PPA? PPD? PPOCD? WTH?

http://www.postpartumprogress.com/weblog/2009/11/the-symptoms-of-postpartum-depression-anxiety-in-plain-mama-english-1.html

A few months back I read this article. I had read other mamma blogs of women who talked about battling Post Partum Depression (by the way, bless them for this. I agree that there needs to be more awareness for this.) I know I struggled with mild PPD after Madelyn was born due to the significant life change, stress, and hormonal trauma my body was dealing with. Basically, in the matter or 4 hours, we went from husband and wife on a lazy Saturday morning to excruciating pain and then a family of 3 (1/3rd of that family being 100% reliant on the other 2- who had NO CLUE what they were doing). It was intense. The body is amazing and has healed, but it was definitely traumatic.

The first week I was beyond overwhelmed and at one point I said, "I don't like her! I don't want to be a mom anymore!" This quickly changed, and was replaced by the overpowering logic that I loved her more than life itself and would NEVER stop being her mom. As referenced in the Breastfeeding Chronicals of my blog, the process of breastfeeding was like fuel to the fire of all of the stress. Thankfully, by the time she was 10 weeks old or so, I felt like we had adjusted well. I never had thoughts of harming her, and we were a pretty happy family of 3. I figured I wasn't affectted by PPD.

No matter how wonderfully things have gone, something still wasn't right. I loved my baby, my husband, my home...but there was still just something off. I worried constantly and always had a feeling of dread, but shook this off as "new parent syndrome". I recognized that my anxiety about her schedule, routine, food intake, and safety were a little much, but attributed it to being, 'just an overprotective mother who wants the best for her baby". I spent numerous days/nights fretting over what she wore to bed and how her room temperature felt to make sure she didn't get too hot or too cold. If she yawned and didn't get down for a nap within 15 minutes, I was stressed. If she didn't eat breakfast until 10am, there was hell to pay. I'm pretty sure living me with was NOT very fun. But to be fair- I obsessed over these things because I did not want her to wake up crying because said needs weren't met. I realize now that if she woke up crying, I would handle it just fine. But its almost as if I have post traumatic stress from those first two months that were difficult to handle.

When I read about people facing PPD a couple months back, I followed the link i embedded above. I read the symptoms of PPD and breathed a sigh of releif. Thank goodness I don't have PPD! But then i kept reading to the "Post Partum Anxiety and OCD" section. Ooops. That, uh...sounds too much like me. I decided that because we were such a happy and well functioning family, that I had nothing to worry about.

*okay, now I'm going to be really open and honest here*

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. I have been busier at work due to staff being out and working a little extra. I was basically doing two people's jobs in a day instead of one. I have been snapping at Ross for neglecting to do things to help with housework, even though he does plenty other things to help with housework. I've been snapping at Ross for not communicating well enough to me (which he has ALWAYS done, but lately I've been getting more ticked about it). I flipped out when my mother in law was late and it interfered with plans I had- even though it wasn't her fault. (she got a nice apology phone call- don't worry). All this time I heard myself flipping out and snapping at people and really, really didn't like how I sounded. I realized it was NOT like me, and that something was wrong. During a tearful conversation with Ross last night, I told him, "I really just want to be a good nurse, wife, and mother! I don't act this way out of selfishness...but I don't know why I act this way". He gently told me that I expect way too much of myself, and then am way too hard on myself if I'm not perfect (true). I need to be able to roll with things and relax a little. After a little self analysis, I realized that I don't know how to relax and stop trying to overacheive and please other people. I happily take on double my work load because I think, "I can be super nurse! I can do it! If I say no to this task, then it means I'm not a "supernurse". I obsess about keeping our home clean, because I'm afraid of people judging us (even though they DON'T). I want to be able to do it all- be super mom, super wife, and super nurse and won't accept anything less of myself. I don't know why I am this way, but I remember hints of it from a young age. I don't know where this trait came from, because my parents never pushed me in any way or had high expecations of me. I honestly don't know why I have always been so hard on myself. What I DO know, is that is has escalated significantly since giving birth to maddy, and its been affecting my relationship with my husband, recently. I take it out on him, because he's not as driven in these things as I am. And why should he? Hurting him makes me sad, AND I don't want Madelyn to be affected by it, too. I need to do something about it. I need to find that balance of being a "do it all" mom/wife but a much more relaxed, go with the flow version. I don't know how to do this, but recognizing this problem and really, really wanting to change seems like a good place to begin.

If you didn't click on the link above, the below excerpt summarizes things nicely. Maybe I am oversharing, but I am a pretty open person. I also hope it reinforces the idea that its normal for women to experience this and that we aren't bad people for dealing with it. What a betrayal women have to go through when people judge them for being this way instead of trying ot understand and reaching out to them. Even though I sound like a bitch, I really just want whats best for my family. I just need to get a better grip on myself. Oh, and it should be noted that I am very thankful to be married to a wonderful, supportive, and loving husband. Even though I have been really cranky and difficult the last couple weeks, he has stood by me and helped me come to this realization.

(The items in red are the things I am experiencing. )

"You may have postpartum anxiety or OCD if you have had a baby within the last 12 months and are experiencing some of these symptoms:
-Your thoughts are racing. You can't quiet your mind. You can't settle down. You can't relax. -You feel like you have to be doing something at all times. Cleaning bottles. Cleaning baby clothes. Cleaning the house. Doing work. Entertaining the baby. Checking on the baby.
-You are worried. Really worried. All. The. Time. Am I doing this right? Will my husband come home from his trip? Will the baby wake up? Is the baby eating enough? Is there something wrong with the baby that I'm missing? No matter what anyone says to reassure you it doesn't help.
-You may be having disturbing thoughts. Thoughts that you've never had before. Thoughts that make you wonder whether you aren't the person you thought you were. They fly into your head unwanted and you know they aren't right, that this isn't the real you, but they terrify you and they won't go away. These thoughts may start with the words "What if ..."
-You are afraid to be alone with your baby because of the thoughts. You are also afraid of things in your house that could potentially cause harm, like kitchen knives or stairs, and you avoid them like the plague.
-You have to check things constantly. Did I lock the door? Did I lock the car? Did I turn off the oven? Is the baby breathing?
-You may be having physical symptoms like stomach cramps or headaches, shakiness or nausea. You might even have panic attacks.
-You feel like a captive animal, pacing back and forth in a cage. Restless. On edge.
-You can't eat. You have no appetite.
-You can't sleep. You are so, so tired, but you can't sleep.
-You feel a sense of dread all the time, like something terrible is going to happen.
-You know something is wrong. You may not know you have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, but you know the way you are feeling is NOT right. You think you've "gone crazy".
-You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you've lost the "old you" forever.
-You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you. Or that your baby will be taken away. "

***Edited to Add** sorry to be a Debbie Downer. I prefer to be honest, but I know that sometimes the truth is kind of ugly and...not fun to hear. On the bright side, I took today to collect my thoughts and relax. I did NOT clean the house (aside from just one load of dishes, but nothing else!) Ross applauded me for that. I had a very pleasant day at home working in the yard with a naked baby slathered in sunscreen either jumping up and down in her play pen or splashing in her kiddie pool. Then she took an almost 3 hour nap shich was GREAT. I then went to my sister's place for home made salad rolls which were delish. I am feeling rejuvenated and happy as I start working on my new attitude and outlook on things. I hope this didn't sound too dramatic- its not like I'm on the verge on a mental breakdown or about to check myself into rehab or anything. I am just praying for a renewed sense of security that no matter what happens in life, everything will be all right.

Away We Go

To set the scene: Its 9:25 pm in the Lumsden home. Madelyn is sleeping soundly, and so is her dad who decided to take a "nap" at 8pm. At first I was a little resentful of this decision. Now I am quite pleased...as this lady really needed an hour or two of "alone time".

Its funny how I have negelected this so much. Since settling into our routine, I have become quite a busy body. Anyone who has hung out with me lately can probably confirm that if I am at home, I am likely cleaning or chasing SOMETHING. I guess you can call me a "mom on the go!" (said in cheesy commercial voice that would imply that I'm wearing a pair of khaki capris and white canvas shoes- but I swear I'm not! I'm still a mom in low rise jeans who shows her butt crack every time she bends over to pick up little Madelyn).

So tonight, I sit. The kitchen is a mess and I can smell the feta cheese on my salad plate that sits next to the sink; just waiting to be rinsed. But I will leave it. I will! I will sip on this Bud Light with fresh lime instead, and blog :) Afterall, its Fridayyyy niiight! I can hear the "Movies at the Park" happening down the street. Its loud, and we won't be attending, but it makes me HAPPY. It makes me so happy to live in a neighborhood with wonderful neighbors and a park that hosts summer time events such as this. Even though we have talked about moving to a bigger house, I am trying to convince Ross that we should stay here and just build on to this house :) More on that later...WAY later.

Obligatory Maddy Update:
She will be 10 months old in 3 days. Holy crap. 10 months? That's practically a year. When did I become a mother of an almost 1 year old? Well, now appearantly.
- She never stops. Even when I sit with her and try to play pat-a-cake with her, she just takes off crawling somewhere else. She is also happy 24/7. Everyone we meet and see say, "Is she ALWAYS this happy?" and the answer is yes. We were blessed with a very sweet and happy girl!
- She cruises and pulls up on everything with ease. She is not ready to stand or walk on her own. We got her to stand by herself for a few seconds, but she started fussing and sat down. When I try to encourage her and start letting go, she immediately bends her knees to sit. She is just not ready, and I certainly am not going to push her!
-Today when I got home from work, she just seemed...BIGGER. She is filling out and getting stronger and bigger. It is incredible.

-Feeding: Only nurses once or twice a day :(***okay this gets its own section:

Around 9 months, I stopped night time feedings. This by far was the most stressful. It kind of coincided with the sleep training (which worked magnificently by the way! Only 1 bad night- she was definetly ready). With work, my supply was *just barely* not enough to keep up with her. So we started feeding her a bottle at night. This took the stress off of me while we sleep trained, and it kind of stuck because it made life so much...easier. With being a part time working mama who cloth diapers, I was ready for something that was easy. Then she gradually lost interest in nursing during the day. I'm pretty certain this was because it takes a lot longer from her to get 6 oz from me than it does from a fast flow Avent bottle nipple! So the biting started. Okay, if you are reading this, I KNOW you just cringed, but its not so bad. Then again, my nipples have gone through a LOT in 10 months, so they are practically like rubber now. Anyway....I will go on to say that I took this opportunity to stop pumping at work (hello lunch break! How are you? Its been a while!). I liked it. Maddy likes her bottles. The family is happy.

I nurse her for her morning feeding, and then right before dinner (after her afternoon nap). I love it. I don't make very much milk anymore, but its just enough to satisfy her before breakfast and dinner. The morning feeding is AWESOME because when she wakes up at 6:30-7am every morning, I get to just lay in bed a little longer while she nurses. Its also really great bonding time; even though she crawls all over Ross and I. Its actually pretty cute, because once she gets up, the cats jump into bed and its a big family "sesh". Ross calls it the "Continuum", which would only be funny if you have seen "Away We Go".

Want to know a secret thats not so much a secret? I have baby fever. If I peed on a stick and saw a plus sign, I would be thrilled. I told Ross I want to start trying after Maddy's first birthday. I don't know if we will, but he was definetly freaked out. He seems to think we will get pregnant in 2 weeks like we did with Maddy, and I had to inform him that in the real world, it doesn't usually work that way. Maddy was a very determined little sperm, just like she is determined now. It could take months! And is it just me, or did everyone have a baby in July???

Okay...it is now 9:56, and I think I will be off to play Wii. Ross is still asleep.