A Good Talk

I always like to be honest, candid, and real on my blog. I have always appreciated other's transparency and am completely bored by reading/hearing about how "perfect" life is. Don't get me wrong; there's nothing wrong with being happy and gushing about things to be happy about. But let's face it; sometimes I am so damn real/honest that this blog has become a big wah-fest. So I am going to talk about the good things that have happened this week:

1) I had a good, honest discussion with my husband about some not-so-easy-to-discuss-topics where there was no yelling, fighting, or storming off. We stayed calm, respectful, and open. As a result, he learned a lot of new things about me, and I was able to clearly explain myself to him. It turns out that you CAN be married to someone for 6+ years and not know everything about them! I can get into the topic another time, but one thing about me is that I require a lot of patience when I need to voice my feelings/opinions. Sometimes I get stressed about confrontation and spew out the first thing that comes to mind; which can be inappropriate, offensive, and not even close to what I mean to convey. I'm kind of a nut :)

2) shorter work week!

3) Madelyn now wraps her arms around my neck when I come home from work and goes in for a kiss. She will sometimes do this when I say, "Gimme a kiss!". Toddlers are amazing!

4) MY SISTER IS ENGAGED!!!!!!!! Her boyfriend of 6+ years proposed to her on Christmas Day.

5) Today I had an amazingly emotional day at work which involved making a positive connection and praying with a patient, acting quickly to resolve a life threatening drug reaction, and discussing care with another nurse on our patient who was actively in the process of dying. While this wasn't ALL positive, it was extremely fulfilling and reminds me that my job is never boring, and that what I do counts (which dramatically softens the blow of not being able to be at home with my daughter).

6) (starts out Negative but get positive, I swear) I had to go to the dentist at the end of last week because my recently filled tooth was so sensitive I couldn't drink cold beverages or chew on that side a month after the procedure. I was convinced the dentist had screwed up my tooth, but upon further examination, it was revealed that I am a night grinder (which sounds sexy and dirty, but unfortunately means I just nash my teeth together and clench my jaw when I sleep) which has irritated the root/nerve. I cried when she told me, which was totally inappropriate, and only because I was PMSing and feeling stressed about the fact that my own stress is ruining my teeth. Are you waiting for the positive part? I recognize my stress and hormonal mood swing PMS problem and plan on working on both of these issues. Stay tuned.

And God bless you in 2011!

Ding Bat

SO...I just went through my blog and realized I did 2, yes 2, 14 month updates for Maddy that say pretty much the same thing. I guess I wanted to make sure you all remembered that Maddy wears 6-12 month shirts and 18-24 month pants! Folks, thats pretty much me these days. I am overwhelmed and just hanging on for this chaotic journey that is my life as a full time working mom.

I am having a hard time delegating a lot of my responsibilities to Ross, because I like the way I do them better. Plus, it takes SO damn long to explain to him how to do it, and a lot of the times he messes it up. I'm not complaining about him; he has had his hands full with a teething girl, redoing our floors, and working on many other home improvement tasks. Ross is kicking but on doing "man jobs" and taking care of our daughter. Martha Stewart; he is not. And I need to STOP TRYING to be her, too.

I have about 5 sewing projects cut out and started but not yet sewn, piles of laundry stacking up, cloth diapers stinking up the spare bathroom, and a dining room table that is constantly covered with all the stuff you don't want to deal with finding a good spot for. Something has got to give! I struggle with asking Ross to do certain things, because I still want to do them. I obviously need to let go of the control and a) be okay to having a sometimes messy house b) have patience with Ross's "methods" and be realistic that he won't do things the same way I would; and be okay with that. I think my goal for this month is to delegate the cloth diaper care to Ross. Its not rocket science; but definitely requires the special soap and a method to keep the cloth clean and the covers in good shape. We just had to switch to disposables for night time; because nothing could contain that girl's urine. I mean, NOTHING. Well, nothing other than strapping a pillow between her legs; which is basically what TRIPLE stuffing the diaper pocket produced. My days from nurses training taught me that its not good to stuff too much around the skin; as the skin needs to breathe somehow. The disposables are working out well; and it definitely helped to just ignore any irrational guilt I had over not using cloth for bedtime (what's up with that anyway; that guilt? Where does it come from? I still blame it on my days of visiting TheBump and too much time on message boards among women who cast stones on anyone who would dare use a BabyBjorn instead of an Ergo or let their baby cry for 5 minutes).

It feels good to vent. I had a good conversation with my mother in law about how mothers can feel so overwhelmed and spread too thin with all their responsibilities, but the deep secret some of us don't admit is that we wouldn't want it any other way. I WANT a clean kitchen, home cooked meals, and laundry cleaned, folded, and put away. I want homemade Christmas cards with a family photo enclosed sent out sometime before January, and a decorated house. I want to spend every moment possible with my husband and daughter. I also take pride in providing a home, food, and medical/dental insurance for my family and taking care of patients who tell me how much they appreciate me every day. It is all so rewarding and all very, very good. I truly am so full of joy and blessings and happiness. I just need to work out a balance so that stress doesn't rear its ugly head and cast a fog over the happiness. Cause it definitely can do that.

In true Amy fashion, I am rambling. It is 1254 and I have to be at work at 8:15am. Maddy is going through a terrible phase of teething and fevers and keeps waking up wimpering in her sleep :( I am going to try to sleep while I can!