2011- The Year I Got a Bit of Myself Back

2009 and 2010 were all about breastfeeding, cloth diapers, sleeping or not sleeping, obsessing about nap schedules, the amount of ounces my baby drank, and just everything about Madelyn's well-being and my false perception that I had to obsess about every little detail or she would end up like this:

I recognized that my post-postpartum anxiety and obsessive tenancies were running myself and my husband ragged. Being forced to work (almost) full-time against my desires seriously challenged my remaining sanity and forced me to take a step back and essentially snap out of it, or else I would lose it.

So I decided to just...let it go.

Easier said than done, but I have been forcing myself to believe the following on a regular basis:

1) Madelyn won't spontaneously stop breathing for no reason

2) I am very unlikely to get into a horrible car accident when Madelyn is in the car

3) If she cries (whines) in her room by herself for a bit, she will not be permanently and emotionally scarred and hate her mother

4) If she's hungry, she will eat. If she's being difficult and picky; she can just chose not to eat, and I don't have to rip my hair out. If she went a whole day without eating a green vegetable; I won't be judged by others and she won't have colon issues when she's older. She's a healthy girl. I should encourage healthy eating; not obsess about it.

5) She won't stop loving me as much because I work 4 days out of the week.

.....and so on, and so on...

I'm pretty sure these are really common "new parent" fears and struggles, but these things were causing me to snap at people and I thought about these things way, way, way too often. Even though it wasn't totally easy, I have been SO much happier since I let it go.

What I have been doing in my spare time:

1) Rekindling my physical and emotional bond with my husband

2) Connecting with new and old friends (moms and non-moms)

3) Running a comb through my hair, wearing cuter outfits and makeup and feeling better about my overall physical appearance (Vain? yes. But I don't care. My looks matter to me; that's just how it is. I am a much happier woman when I feel groomed/done up. If 30-45 minutes in the morning as opposed to 15 can accomplish that, then I'd say thats 15 minutes well spent!).

4) Going to the gym 3 times a week (With Maddy). That has felt awesome. I am pretty sure I replace all calories burned with my ever-lasting love for food and wine, but at least I'm not gaining, and I am finally getting my old abs back!

Maddy is still as spoiled with love as she has ever been; only now her mama is looking and feeling a whole lot bettah. Honestly, my life still revolves around that little girl (what can I say? She's amazing) but I have a great balance, even though I'm away from her more than I have ever been. On Tuesday through Friday, I am usually the first person she see when she wakes up. I try to get ready before she wakes so that I can change her, give her a bottle, and love her for 15 minutes before I have to leave for work. When I get home, the girl gives me a huge smile with those bright blue eyes, runs up to me, throws her arms around my neck for a tight hug, and then pulls back, and holds my face with her little hands. She looks at me as if to say, "Just making sure- it is you, right mama? Okay, it is you! Oh, how I've missed you!" and then hugs me again. Sometimes, I even get a big 'ole smooch. Not too shabby!

Ross has some job prospects, so one day I may get my dream of being a part-time working mom again. Heck; if that happens, maybe we'll even have more babies. In the mean time, I am happy to say we are surviving; and maybe even thriving.

Madelyn Update- 16 months

I have been terrible at blogging, but I have been AWESOME at spending all my spare non-working time with Maddy, or spending time with Ross, or even spending time on myself. It's been so nice!

In all that time, I have observed so many changes in my little girl that I haven't written down anywhere- so here it is:

Madelyn Kristine- 16 months

Stats:

Height: 30.6"

Weight: 21 lb 12 oz

Head Circ: 18.3"

Teeth-

OMG- teeth galore. I wish I could draw a teeth map on here. Hold on...

So...according to the map above, Maddy has all of her baby teeth except for a few. On the uppers, she is just missing 1 second molar and 1 canine. On the bottom, she is missing 2 second molars and 1 canine. its crazy train! She is eating bits of steak and finally figuring out how to chew stuff!

Words:

My analytical little girl says these words on a regular basis:

Hi-ee (Hi, waves too)

Bu-Byeee (bye bye, waves too)

Mow (meow- in response to when the cats meow)

Mama

Dadee

occasionally---

-"i-eet"- she points to lights and says this sometimes

-"bah-ool"- bottle

She is very, very social and loves to play with toys and other kids. She runs and loves to climb up and go down the slide at Clackamas Town Center.

On January 7, 2011; she had her first kiss on the lips from a boy.

My little girl is growing up so fast! :)

A Good Talk

I always like to be honest, candid, and real on my blog. I have always appreciated other's transparency and am completely bored by reading/hearing about how "perfect" life is. Don't get me wrong; there's nothing wrong with being happy and gushing about things to be happy about. But let's face it; sometimes I am so damn real/honest that this blog has become a big wah-fest. So I am going to talk about the good things that have happened this week:

1) I had a good, honest discussion with my husband about some not-so-easy-to-discuss-topics where there was no yelling, fighting, or storming off. We stayed calm, respectful, and open. As a result, he learned a lot of new things about me, and I was able to clearly explain myself to him. It turns out that you CAN be married to someone for 6+ years and not know everything about them! I can get into the topic another time, but one thing about me is that I require a lot of patience when I need to voice my feelings/opinions. Sometimes I get stressed about confrontation and spew out the first thing that comes to mind; which can be inappropriate, offensive, and not even close to what I mean to convey. I'm kind of a nut :)

2) shorter work week!

3) Madelyn now wraps her arms around my neck when I come home from work and goes in for a kiss. She will sometimes do this when I say, "Gimme a kiss!". Toddlers are amazing!

4) MY SISTER IS ENGAGED!!!!!!!! Her boyfriend of 6+ years proposed to her on Christmas Day.

5) Today I had an amazingly emotional day at work which involved making a positive connection and praying with a patient, acting quickly to resolve a life threatening drug reaction, and discussing care with another nurse on our patient who was actively in the process of dying. While this wasn't ALL positive, it was extremely fulfilling and reminds me that my job is never boring, and that what I do counts (which dramatically softens the blow of not being able to be at home with my daughter).

6) (starts out Negative but get positive, I swear) I had to go to the dentist at the end of last week because my recently filled tooth was so sensitive I couldn't drink cold beverages or chew on that side a month after the procedure. I was convinced the dentist had screwed up my tooth, but upon further examination, it was revealed that I am a night grinder (which sounds sexy and dirty, but unfortunately means I just nash my teeth together and clench my jaw when I sleep) which has irritated the root/nerve. I cried when she told me, which was totally inappropriate, and only because I was PMSing and feeling stressed about the fact that my own stress is ruining my teeth. Are you waiting for the positive part? I recognize my stress and hormonal mood swing PMS problem and plan on working on both of these issues. Stay tuned.

And God bless you in 2011!

Ding Bat

SO...I just went through my blog and realized I did 2, yes 2, 14 month updates for Maddy that say pretty much the same thing. I guess I wanted to make sure you all remembered that Maddy wears 6-12 month shirts and 18-24 month pants! Folks, thats pretty much me these days. I am overwhelmed and just hanging on for this chaotic journey that is my life as a full time working mom.

I am having a hard time delegating a lot of my responsibilities to Ross, because I like the way I do them better. Plus, it takes SO damn long to explain to him how to do it, and a lot of the times he messes it up. I'm not complaining about him; he has had his hands full with a teething girl, redoing our floors, and working on many other home improvement tasks. Ross is kicking but on doing "man jobs" and taking care of our daughter. Martha Stewart; he is not. And I need to STOP TRYING to be her, too.

I have about 5 sewing projects cut out and started but not yet sewn, piles of laundry stacking up, cloth diapers stinking up the spare bathroom, and a dining room table that is constantly covered with all the stuff you don't want to deal with finding a good spot for. Something has got to give! I struggle with asking Ross to do certain things, because I still want to do them. I obviously need to let go of the control and a) be okay to having a sometimes messy house b) have patience with Ross's "methods" and be realistic that he won't do things the same way I would; and be okay with that. I think my goal for this month is to delegate the cloth diaper care to Ross. Its not rocket science; but definitely requires the special soap and a method to keep the cloth clean and the covers in good shape. We just had to switch to disposables for night time; because nothing could contain that girl's urine. I mean, NOTHING. Well, nothing other than strapping a pillow between her legs; which is basically what TRIPLE stuffing the diaper pocket produced. My days from nurses training taught me that its not good to stuff too much around the skin; as the skin needs to breathe somehow. The disposables are working out well; and it definitely helped to just ignore any irrational guilt I had over not using cloth for bedtime (what's up with that anyway; that guilt? Where does it come from? I still blame it on my days of visiting TheBump and too much time on message boards among women who cast stones on anyone who would dare use a BabyBjorn instead of an Ergo or let their baby cry for 5 minutes).

It feels good to vent. I had a good conversation with my mother in law about how mothers can feel so overwhelmed and spread too thin with all their responsibilities, but the deep secret some of us don't admit is that we wouldn't want it any other way. I WANT a clean kitchen, home cooked meals, and laundry cleaned, folded, and put away. I want homemade Christmas cards with a family photo enclosed sent out sometime before January, and a decorated house. I want to spend every moment possible with my husband and daughter. I also take pride in providing a home, food, and medical/dental insurance for my family and taking care of patients who tell me how much they appreciate me every day. It is all so rewarding and all very, very good. I truly am so full of joy and blessings and happiness. I just need to work out a balance so that stress doesn't rear its ugly head and cast a fog over the happiness. Cause it definitely can do that.

In true Amy fashion, I am rambling. It is 1254 and I have to be at work at 8:15am. Maddy is going through a terrible phase of teething and fevers and keeps waking up wimpering in her sleep :( I am going to try to sleep while I can!

14 Months

Stats: I think she has an appointment coming up (kids have a 15 month well check, right?) but I know our little sweet pea is growing like a weed! She is sooo tall. I had her on my lap the other day, and she was being the usual little wiggly worm she is. My sister said, in shock: "She's about half as long as you are!" And it can't be far from the truth! She wears 18-24 month pants, but can still fit into some 6-12 month tee shirts and hoodies. Long and thin- like her dad!

Teeth: She recently cut her first pre-molar or molar. I can't get in there to see which one it actually is, because she will NOT let me mess around in her mouth. Its goes hand in hand with not letting me pick her boogers. What do you get when you have a strong willed, determined little girl with big crusty boogers and her strong-willed, determined mom who hates hearing those sticky rattlers? Red face, screaming, tears, and a determined mom trying to hold the girl down while delicately using her pinky nail to get the boog. She gets over it quickly.

Food/Schedule: Whole milk bottle upon waking (will probably switch to water and just give her milk with breakfast soon) breakfast around 9. Lunch around noon. Bottle before nap at 1-2pm; which usually is 2 1/2 to 3 hours. Then dinner, and warm bottle before bed. I'm working on scaling the bottle back so she pees less during the night. Just thinking ahead to potty training ;) She loves anything with tomato sauce, but it gives her a rash on her face. She loves avocado, but when it comes to other veggies, she puts up a fight. We need to sprinkle a little salt on them and feed them to her first when she's hungry. We have had some temper tantrums over this :( I hold my ground though. She loves cheese and shakes her fists with glee when she sees it. We have a video I hope to post soon of this! She is also a meat lover; especially chicken. I cut up chicken nuggets to give to her, and she tried to fit like 4-5 pieces in her mouth at one time.

Friends: She seems to along best with kids slightly older than her. She has had some really fun play time with Lilli, the daughter of some dear friends of Ross and I. Lilly is almost 3, I think, but her and Maddy played together for about 2 hours or more and I have never seen Maddy giggle so much! They even wrestled, which made my abs hurt from laughing so much. She recently started playing with Elliott, the cute little boy down the street.

Personality: Kind strangers in stores are always charmed and amazed with Madelyn. Many girls her age would be afraid or justifiably skeptical of strangers. Madelyn will often look at a nice lady/girl admiring her, smile back, and stretch out her arms to her. The woman always looks to me for approval, and then willingly scoops up Maddy, who then talks her ear off. She is very, very social and sweet. She spends most of the day smiling. She's not a big crier- just a WHINER when she doesn't get her way (remember the part about her being head-strong?). Over all, she is very easy going.

Okay, I'm getting bored with my own writing now. I just really wanted to make sure I document more as she is changing and growing every day; so fast that it scares me. When I look at her I cannot believe that just a year ago she was a sweet little 2 month old swaddled up meatloaf who nursed for 30-45 minutes at a time and puked every time we burped her (we were remembering this this morning; how we had to change our sheets 3 times a week from all her spit up) . I don't wish she was a baby again; because she is SO fun now. But I am scared she will grow up too fast.

Maddy- I love you so much, sweet pea. You are the brightest joy in your dad's and my life. Our days have more smiles, laughs, and kisses now that you're with us. You just make life better.

What a Difference a Day Makes

Tomorrow is my last "Stay at home mom" Thursday. My day to catch up on the weeks hectic goings on, do laundry, and spend the whole day; just me and my little girl (and husband if he was home). Thursday was the little break before Friday; which was always bearable, because it was only one more day of work before I had my weekend. Friends; I had THE best of both worlds as a part time working/stay at home mom.

Due to financial reasons and the fact that my husband hates every moment of being a car salesman; I am increasing my hours and working Tuesday-Friday now. Ross will be a stay at home dad. This idea was prompted by talks with my coworker that made me feel that it would be better for our clinic to have a nurse who is there more consistently. Since I have been there the longest and I live the closest, I felt that person could be me. I love my job (most of time) so a few more hours wouldn't kill me, and it would certainly benefit my family. I ran the idea by Ross and he instantly jumped at the chance to quit his job. We did the math and discovered that by me working just one more day a week, he could quit his part time job altogether. While it doesn't thrill him to be a stay at home dad (seriously...we could handle it if he were thrown a "job" bone any time now) he prefers it over working in that 'ell 'ole (Hell hole- thats a Waiting for Guffman joke for one of my few readers ;)

Honestly; the decision for me to work an extra day came flooding in and it felt like a lightbulb went on. I made this decision on Saturday. When I returned to work on Tuesday, I stopped in my manager's office before my day started, and the request was approved so fast my head spun. This literally fell into place so quickly, I know that it was meant to be (for now). I start next week. For a decision that has felt so right, and where all the details were worked out without single hiccup, I feel so ...sad.

I always had Thursday to recharge and get plenty of Sweet-Pea time after working Tuesday and Wednesday. I always thought I would be a semi-stay at home mom who worked 2 days a week; and just got to being really happy with working 3. Even though its only one more day; 9 more hours; 3 of which Madelyn is napping; it just feels like so much more. Its not being at work, its being away from my home and daughter. This makes me really sad.

Ross is an awesome dad, but he doesn't have the same patience and multitasking skills that I have. He doesn't delight in power cleaning and cooking to Grey's Anatomy while Madelyn naps like I do. I was created to be a housewife/mommy. I was also created to be a nurse and provide for my family, appearantly.

My selfish prayer: Lord- please show my family your plan. We need more wisdom and patience to be happy with where Your plan has us right now!

*for the record I am thankful for all of our blessings; we have always been taken care of. But tonight, I am complaining.*

Maddy Update: 14 months (almost)

Stats: 18-24 month size pants, 12-24 month onesies, and can still wear her 6-12 month sweatshirts. She's a long girl! She plays with the 2 year olds in our Bible study like its no big deal, and even pushed on of them for going for her toy. I've got to keep my eye on this sassy little one.

Milestones/random facts:
-Climbs down the stairs without incident (so far).
-She is a climber, just in general. She climbs on top of her activity table to play on it. She climbs on her rocking chair with her Curious George and rocks with him
-Separation Anxiety! She was never a clingy baby, but she is a clingy toddler. It makes me feel loved, though :)
-She loves animals
-She loves to dance to music. ANY music. Even if music plays on a commercial or computer for 10 seconds, you will find her rocking out; bobbing her head and swinging her arms.
-She knows what "no" means. She has learned not to throw the food she doesn't want on the floor, but to hand it to me. She really wants to please her mom and dad, and she gets upset when we discipline her (which at this point is a firm "no" and a finger flick on the back of the hand for repeated offense). As her parent, I know that I have to be careful about her punishments. My personality has always been the people pleaser, and I have always gotten really down on myself for making any mistakes- too much. I can see that Maddy is a pleaser, and that if she does something wrong, she honestly feels bad about it. But obviously she needs some direction. This parenting requires such delicate balance!

I know there are definitely challenging times ahead, but so far this is my favorite age. I was such a clueless parent of a newborn, and it was so hard to figure her out. She is so smart and sweet now that it is easier to parent her and spend time with her. She just bursts with personality, and is so sweet with other people. She has her moments where she gets shy, but for the most part she brings a smile to anyone's face who is within a 10 foot radius of her. I never thought being a mom could ever be this rewarding!