Balance

We had a REALLy fun day today. It started at 10:30 am with meeting our friends Kara, Jacen, and Kelley; who was visiting from Texas. We went to a resturant called Bertie Lou's, which I highly recommend. Great food and great coffee (Stumptown, the only brewed coffee that doesn't irritate my bowels. That's right, I said "bowels", and I know you want to hear all about them).

We had so much fun that we went shopping-well, a quick trip to Costco and they sat around waiting for us at Verizon while I exchanged my Android phone for a simpler LG EnV touch. The smart phone had too many bells and whistles and I couldn't justify the expensive data plan. So there you have it.

Then we went to Kara and Jacen's for fantastic macaroni and cheese from scratch (made by Kelley. Maddy had been a real sweetie all day, even though her schedule was all messed up. I tried really hard not to let this bother me. From what I understand, I guess my being so rigid about her schedule and bed time has put a damper on many a fun time for others. It once interrupted a movie that Ross and his parents were watching (I was not watching it, as I was distracted by caring for Maddy and have ADD when it comes to movies that aren't chick flicks). I didn't even flip when she went down for a nap at 6pm- VERY late for a nap, considering she is usually in bed by 7:30.

As 8pm came and went and my little daughter started rubbing her eyes, I just wanted to get home. I couldn't even enjoy time with my friends anymore, because I knew Maddy was about to begin her downward spiral into extreme fussiness. Her nighttime fussiness is not enough of a distant memory for me to start messing with it. I have mastered avoiding this trauma by sticking to her schedule. Tonight, I decided to relax a little and have us stay out an hour past her bed time; which would mean she wouldn't get to sleep until 2 hours past her usual sleep time. I figured she would be fine since she had the late nap.

We left at about 8:15pm, and I felt bad for leaving. Our friends are so acommodating for Maddy, and even have a baby bassinet she can nap in (they have a baby on the way!). They even kept their dogs in another room so they wouldn't be too loud. As we drove home, I was angry at myself for us not staying out longer. We ultimately HAD to leave because I hadn't packed enough diapers, and didn't pack her PJ's or other bedtime essentials. But I felt like once again; my rigidity had put an end to a fun evening....

Then the crying started.

It started as a wimper but then quickly escalated to full out screaming. The kind where she is coughing beause she is crying so hard. It is a 30 minute drive, and we had 10 minutes left to go. My adrenaline was going and I wanted mothing more than to jump in the back seat and hold her; but obviously I was driving. I carefully kept my eyes on the road; and then suddenly the car in the lane to the left of me started drifting over toward us and almost hit us. Thankfully I hit the horn and swerved enough to miss them. As if we needed any more drama in our car at that moment. We made it home, and Maddy had stopped crying. As I took her upstairs to her room, she actually smiled at me, even though her eyes were still wet from crying. This broke my heart for some reason.

I know I may sound like I'm making a really big freaking deal out of my baby crying, but for some reason it really tore my heart up tonight. I found myself caught up in an emotional battle between my baby's demands and my adult life and freedom. Ross and I need time with our friends, and the occasional freedom to just get up and spend a day and evening out once in a while. But as a result, Madelyn may get upset over some things. Her being upset makes me upset, because I love her so stinking much. I actually shed a couple tears tonight after all of this because I love her so much. So I guess we can have some freedom but it comes with consequences. I mean, don't get me wrong, she is FINE. She really isn't the suffering soul I have made it sound like- she just got upset. Next time, I am going to plan ahead and bring her portable crib and night time gear, and hopefully we will have a better outcome. So I guess the real lesson is that we should be more prepared in the future. I'm sure she would have been fine sleeping in the other room.

I am in a funk tonight over this. Hopefully, I can reach a good balance and find some peace over this.