Breastfeeding Chronicals Chapter 4

where I left off: "...For the next few days, I would continue to try to nurse Maddy. I was determined to be totally patient with my tiny little human, and not be frustrated with her. Unfortunately a mixture of post-partum baby blues and her difficulty with latching made for a very difficult few weeks."

We went home from the hospital on a Monday afternoon, and by Thursday morning I had an appointment with the lactation consultant at Providence. I believe that was the day after my milk came in. Which, by the way, was quite a surprise to wake up to. Hello, bowling ball boobs! Nice to meet you both. Now excuse me, while I go buy some DD bras. Anyway, the appointment was ALL the way over in Beaverton, so I packed my newborn and trecked across town. I needed to get out of the house, plus my left nipple was cracked and bleeding. Also, breastfeeding was proving to be very difficult; WAY harder than I ever expected. Maddy was eating, but each nursing session lasted about 45 minutes (or more) and I knew she wasn't latching correctly.

I had learned that Maddy ate about every 2-3 hours, so I timed my appointment accordingly. I knew she would need to WANT to eat when I was with the LC, the the LC could assess her. I sat and prayed to myself quietly in the waiting room that my baby wouldn't get upset for some reason and start crying; because I still didn't know quite what to do when she cried, and I was way too emotionally fragile to deal with it in public.

The post partum "baby blues" were definitly in full swing. The day before, I had watched an episode of "16 and Pregnant" and bawled uncontrollably as a 16 year old girl gave her baby up for adoption. The rollercoaster of emotions was intense; feeling a new undescribable love for my tiny bundle; while also feeling overwhelmed and somewhat burdended by her complete dependence on me. Its not that I didn't think she would be dependent on me, but since her birth was somewhat early and fast and furious, I guess I didn't get as much time to emotionally prepare as I thought I would.

Back to the waiting room. I was summoned by a lactation consultant with wild curly blond hair and kind of crazy eyes. She also had breath that smelled like hummus, as she had probably just finished her lunch break and rushed to my 1pm appointment. I'm not being mean, she was very sweet and cute. I just remember this so vividly. I sat the Graco carseat/carrier on the exam table and took Maddy out. She must have known how exhausted and defeated I was, because she went ahead and changed Maddy's diaper for me. I remember being so absolutely stoked about this. She weighed my naked baby girl before I fed her, and then settled us down for a feeding.

She assessed and repositioned; and really did help in some ways. A lot of problems came from my hold and positioning. She also taught me to compress the boob to get the milk to come out faster. This resulted in some successful swallows, which made us both cheer. She told me it would take some work, but we would get it. SHe re-weighed Maddy after the feeding and she had gained 2 oz. That's good. Despite the horrible and painful latch, she WAS getting nurishment.

The LC left to take care of another patient. I got Maddy back into her carseat and prepared to go. Keep in mind, at this point in my life, a diaper change, a feeding, and putting the baby in the carseat was a HUGE task to perform all by myself. As I had just finished strapping her in she spit/puked up blood streaked spit up ALL over herself. "Oh dear Lord", I said. Actually, I'm pretty sure I said something else I shouldn't type. I didn't panic, because I knew the blood came from me. I just wanted to cry.

I showed this to the LC, and she looked very concerned, and had me request a prescription for a special breast ointment from my OB. Then I was on my way. My appointment was in the same building as the the Providence Westside Oncology/Hematology office(I work in the SE clinic). I knew a lot of the nurses and physicians who worked there, and had planned on stopping by to show off Maddy. I didn't though, because I felt like such a huge mess. What would happen if they bent down to see her and saw the blood all over her onesie? I felt ashamed and like a total mess. I opted to just go home and cry.

Things got a little better after that, but not totally. During the day, nursing went sort of okay, because we were both awake and alert, and I was able to get the positioning perfect for her. Night time was another story. She would wake to feed every 2-3 hours, and I would open my eyes and dread these feedings. Ross would pick her up and hand her to his depressed and frustrated wife, who would begin to cry as the feeding commenced, due to the pain. I contemplated giving it up. Ross knew breastfeeding was important, but he was starting to want me to give it up, too. I was beginning to resent my newborn baby everytime she got hungry. It wasn't good. I remember a well-meaning woman asking me how breastfeeding was going, and then saying, "I just LOVED breastfeeding. Don't you?". I had to hold back from telling her how much I absolutely HATED it. I though, I must not be cut out for this breastfeeding thing.

One pivotal night, when Maddy was about 2 weeks old, we were once again struggling with latching in the middle of the night. Angry, I unlatched her from me and held her out in front of me and said:
"What is WRONG with you!?!?!?!?!"
She looked back, somewhat startled about being interrupted from her meal. At that moment, I decided I HAD to quit. I couldn't be angry at my 2 week old baby anymore, it was too painful. I wanted to do nothing but love her, and because of breastfeeding, I had moments where I was angry with her. I don't think I have ever felt so guilty about anything in my entire life. (in case you're wondering, don't worry, I never harmed her in any way.)

I said this night was pivotal, because in that moment, I decided to quit breastfeeding, but then somehow a voice told me not to give up. So I pushed forward.

I didn't get mad at Maddy again after that. At about 2 1/2 to 3 weeks, something finally clicked. She started latching better, and feeding went so much more smoothly. Ross actually encouraged me to try lying down on my side while nursing Maddy in bed and this opened a whole new door for me! I could now rest (and even sleep sometimes) while she nursed in the middle of the night, and then just wake up and put her back to her bassinett (since she had passed out from a full tummy).

Things only got better. By 2 months old, we were both nursing pros. Now, at 5 months old, it is perfectly effortless, and even more, I LOVE it. Sometimes Ross even smiles while I'm nursing and says, "Wow, look at that latch! I bet you never thought you would see the day".

Nursing is now enjoyable and special. Every night, I nurse Maddy to sleep in my mom's old rocking chair in her room. It gives us a special bond and soothes her any time she is upset. At this point, I honestly don't know when I'll stop nursing her. But I can imagine that I will take it very hard when that time comes. Its amazing how much things change! I am so glad I stuck with it and kept going.