Choices and the Future

Ross and I (and Madelyn) are at an interesting point in our lives. We are pretty sure that we won't be where we are 1 to 2 years from now. By where, I mean physically, emotionally, family-wise, job-wise, etc.

In fact, we don't know where we'll be in a month or so. Ross is not happy with his job at the car lot and wants to quit, but he doesn't want to quit unless he has a really good job lined up. But it is long, exhausting, and tedious for very little reward (paycheck). So we will see.

I have actually gotten to a very happy place with my job. 3 days a week is a good balance. Then, yesterday, someone approached me with a possible new opportunity. Sorry for being so vague, but I never know who reads this thing, and I don't want to be too transparent about life changing decisions like this; especially since it may never materialize into anything. It is a great opportunity, and something I have always thought I would love to do at some point in my career; like 5-10 years down the line. I never thought that 4 years into my career (3 years as a chemo nurse) I would [possibly] be given this opportunity. I have mixed feelings about it:
- I feel proud of myself for being considered
-I feel blessed to have an opportunity for something I have once dreamed of [fall on my lap.
-I feel SCARED. And unsure.

As I said before, I am very happy in my job. I love chemo infusion, and most of all I love my clinic. I have a great relationship with my coworkers, doctors, and patients. My current job works well for my family; I live close by, they pay me well, and I have full benefits for me and my family and only have to work 24 hours a week. I am working on becoming and OCN (Oncology Certified Nurse) this year, which is its own certification and title. I am just about in a place where I have never been before: an expert in my field of work.

However...

I have been wanting to get away from chemo infusion at some point; just because I don't want to limit myself as an RN to one field when I am so young. I want to be challenged and broaden my experiences and knowlege. I don't know what to do. So I have gone along and prayed, and waited for an answer to become clear. Now this opporunity has presented itself, and I feel like a deer in headlights. Even still, I don't know which way to go.

I often wonder what God is telling me. My quest for more knowlege has unfortunately reminded me about the fact that I still don't have a bachelor's degree. I feel confident in my skills and knowledge, but the sad thing is that it is more about what other people think, and the stigma attached to a associates degree. I often hear remarks made by people alluding to them thinking that having "just an associates degree" equals a lesser quality of knowledge. I don't think they realize they are talking about me, too...

Anyway, being reminded of this made me feel that I will ultimately miss out on this opportunity, because I thought you had to have your bachelor's degree for the position. As I was pondering all of this, I walked to Barnes and Noble Starbucks to find a new ceramic and stainless steel coffee mug with a handle and a lid (my beloved mug I had for 4 years separated at the base and collected mold; eeeeewwww). I passed and somehow overheard this conversation between an adult man and woman:

"I mean...associates or bachelors; in the end they all had to take and pass the same test. They are doing the exact same job"

I slowed down my step and pondered the mugs a bit longer so I could listen. I thought to myself- WOW! He must be talking about something else...that would be too weird. But as he went on, I heard him mention the words :registered nurse.

It makes me teary as I type this story to realize how amazingly and perfectly God leads our lives and speaks to us. There has been nothing but excitement, self-doubt, and fear since I got an email from my colleage a mere 24 hours ago about the opportunity. To stumble upon that conversation was a much needed boost. If I cannot be considered for the position because of my "academic title", then I know I am meant to stay right where I am; and that I am not to beat up on myself or feel like a failure. I think it would be a good goal for me to start working on completing my bachelors degree in a year; or after November when I take the OCN exam.

Okay, Maddy has been standing up WAY too long as I typed this (her new favorite thing is leaning against a storage bin, which is the perfect height for her, and playing with stacking toys). She officially has a toothy grin with two little bottom teeth. It is beyond cute.

All About Maddy

May 1, 2010: Began to crawl forward toward and object intentionally (no more practice crawling moving backwards, in a circle, or occasionally forward on accident)

May 17th- cut her first tooth! Front L. bottom little toothy
May 22nd- cut her second tooth- front R. bottom little toothy. What the heck?

Other May Milestones; since I am a bad mommy and did not record the dates:

- she has really taken to feeding herself and even gets a little frustrated at mommy when I try to feed her purees. She really prefers steamed soft veggies, cheerios, and toast cut up with cottage cheese on top (messy, but I didn't have any cream cheese).

-I slowly introduced dairy through yogurt and cottage cheese this month. She is tolerating it just fine. I was a little concerned; as I guess I had a dairy issue as a baby and had to have soy formula and products. I got the Nancy's organic whole milk yogurt, which despite adding mashed blueberries and peaches, is just too sour for her liking. I will try again in a week.

-My little girl pulls herself up to standing! Can you believe it? It happened within a week of crawling. We created a little "play table/station" for her that keeps her occupied for a while!

woops, sideways. Well, what can ya do...

This picture was taken a week ago. I was storing away all of her newborn and 3-6 month clothing, as well as her outgrown cloth diapers. I literally shed a tear or two as I put them away on a shelf in the garage; knowing that the next time I take them out will be when I hold our next daughter or son in our arms...let's not get into that!

Notice her climbing. She approached an open clothing bag and ripped into it; tossing neatly foldes clothes behind her and she made her way up and over. We have a detmermined little girl! She has been determined since conception; and I am pretty sure this will be a trait she will have the rest of her life.

I read Ross's baby book recently. His mom did such a beautiful job describing his personality and what she and his dad thought he would be like when he was older. The scarey thing is that they hit the nail right on the head. In 1980, my in-laws watched their little baby and knew that he would be observant, intent, curious, and so many other traits my husband has. It made me want to try the same for our Madelyn:

Madelyn is very sweet, patient, and considerate. She loves being around people and where the action is; like her mom. She is soft spoken until she feels very strongly about something; and then she is stubborn and determined until she gets her way (um, like her mom). She is wide eyed and observant (like her dad). She can become very focused and intense on something that peaks her interest (like her dad!). I feel like she has a good mixture of the two of us (personality wise). It is so fun to watch her form her own personality; even though there is a little of me, and a little of Ross.

Speaking of Ross, I am working on a pretty awesome Father's Day gift for him. Here is a preview:

These, and a couple others, were enlarged to 8X10 black and white and will be framed and hung in our stairwell. After its painted. Like I've wanted done since February.

I will leave you with one more pic- Maddy discovers the stairs:

Time to install those baby gates! That is, once the stairwell is painted...

Oh, one thing about me- I've lost 7 lbs! I am back in pre-pregnancy jeans!

Oh, and I really am sorry about the sideways pics. I know it really is an eyesore. If you know how to fix this; comment and let me know.

quick update

Madelyn's 7th month of life outside the womb has been one full of growth and new adventures!
-Her 6-12 and 9 month sized clothes fit perfectly and are even almost a little too small in some cases. I feel like just yesterday I was able to still squeeze her into some of her 3-6 favorites. No idea what her height and weight are, suffice to say she's gettin huge!
-She uses a pincer (sp?) grasp to feed herself finger foods. A lot end up on her lap, and sometimes she shoves her index finger down her throat, but she's quite pleased. She lets out the cutest little belly laugh once she's picked up her little cereal puff, because you can tell she's so proud of herself.
-She is totally crawling now. Now just creeping and crawling in circles and backwards, but full on crawling. I was in the kitchen and she crawled in there to greet me (my living room and kitchen are one open area). It was pure happiness to see her cute little self come in to see me.
-She says, "mama". The verdict is still out on whether its intentional or not. One day I came home to her and she looked at me and said, "mama".
-I can finally see some toothbuds to go along with her randomly cranky moods. Two little pearly lines can be seen in her lower gums.

This has all happened in the last two weeks! I can't believe how quick it all happened! Not to be too much of a proud mother, but I didn't think my daughter could get any cuter until suddenly i saw her crawling with her little fluffy cloth diaper ghetto booty in the air. For a girl who never liked kids very much (and wasn't even that interested in cute babies,) I am sure loving being a parent to this little miracle.

Quick ME update (even though I'm not as interesting): I am content with my job situation and am finally adjusting to being a working mom. I find that going to work can be a little break from the enormous responsibilities of taking care of a home. Stay at home moms do not nearly get the recognition and props they deserve- it is a hard and stressful job! Even as an infusion RN, I sit more at work than I do at home!

Before I go, I had to share the cutest new toy I got Maddy. She LOVES it. This is a picture from Amazon, but I got it at my favorite toy store in St. Johns, Grammy and Nonni's.

http://s7d5.scene7.com/s7ondemand/zoom/flasht_zoom.jsp?&company=ToysRUsGSI&config=defaultZoom&zoomwidth=500&zoomheight=558&sku=p5863505