R.I.P.

A bad thing happened this evening.

I was on my way to a work meeting at PPMC. I was driving along the road and saw a cat in front of me crossing the street. I slowed down, waiting for her to cross, and then kept going after she made it to the other side. Well, kitty decided to turn around and go back, I guess. I heard a thump and saw the last thing I hoped to see in my rearview mirror. I ran over the cat. I pulled over and sat there for a moment; stunned. A lady, who saw the whole thing happen, got out of her car and exclaimed that she knew the cat's owner and ran to get them. I ran to the cat and immediately became ill when I saw the damage. The cat's owner came out; a young man of about 19 or 20. He did't seem too upset, he just let out a dissapointed, "Oh no."

I started crying and apologizing and told him what happened. He grabbed a towel and cat carrier and picked up the kitty. I drove us to the nearby pet hospital. On the way there, the boy hardly seemed troubled. He made small talk with me, and also voiced a concern about how they were going to pay the vet bill.

We arrived, and they took the young man and his cat back immediately. I waited in the waiting room, trying to keep from sobbing too loud. The young man returned not much later and told me that the cat had died. He gave me a hug and told me over and over that it wasn't my fault. I cried so hard that the receptionist asked me if it was my cat, too. She didn't seem to understand why anyone other than the cat owner would be so upset. I paid the bill for the limited services and we went back to my car. As we walked out, the boy said, "Well, the good news is that I'm going to Hawaii tomorrow!". I don't think he expected my reaction; which was an outburst of more crying. I now was upset that this event may put a damper on a trip that I'm sure was highly anticipated. He just looked puzzled and said, "Nah, its all good."

Maybe he was just trying to act tough and cool. Or maybe he really wasn't that upset. I honestly don't know. I found out on the ride back that the cat was about two years old, and didn't really have a name; they just called her "Fluff cat" because of her long hair. I get the idea she was semi-feral; not that it makes this any easier.

There is a major twist to this story; by the way:

The owners of the cat (R.I.P.) are also the infamous Barking Dog Owners. The ones Ross has been secretly battling for the past two years because of their neglectling to care for their dogs and their subsequent nonstop barking from as early as 6:30am to as late as 10:00pm. I'm pretty sure the boy is the one who has the garage band that howls until mindnight almost every Friday night; and who sometimes has backyard parties that last past 1am. Here is a house full of people that I have had so much anger toward for 2 years, and now all I feel is despair, guilt, and like begging for their mercy.

I feel better knowing that I stuck with the cat all the way and did everything I could. I plan on sending a card and/or basket to their home. But I haven't figured out how to go about this. The boy didn't know about our families' disputs, so he obviously didn't have any angst towards me. It is mostly between Ross and his parents. This whole situation is so damn ironic, and one could imagine how ugly it could get. Hopefully it won't. God is in control of everything, and I can't help but wonder if this was to bring our families to some peace with each other. I asked Ross to drop the barking dog complaints, and he agreed to it.

I am pretty traumatized from the entire incident. Especially because I watched the cat die after I hit it; since I waited next to her while waiting for the owner to come. I get the feeling Ross thinks I am blowing it a wee bit out of proportion. It is frustrating to me that he doesn't understand my feelings. He has been sweet and kind, but he obviously isn't as impacted since he wasn't the one behind the wheel. Keep in mind, I was traumatized after running over a young man's skate board after it wandered into a busy street. I have always been known to take things to heart more than others. That's just me, and I'm okay with it.

Rest In Peace, Fluffy Cat :(

A Day in the Life

Woke up, fell out of bed...dragged a comb across my head...

I woke up before Maddy, but decided to sleep in. I dyed my hair last night with Clairol Perfect 10 to cover the greys. it looks great, I think. We're trying to save $, so I dye my own hair now. Since I'm just doing the BROWN thing, its not But for now, I think it looks A-OK. Good, even!

Found my way downstairs and drank a cup. Looking up, I noticed i was late...

Drinking half-decaf on work days now. It makes me less jittery at work, therefore less shakey hands when starting IV's. (Good times for everyone). Clocked in at 8:47am....as always, 2 minutes late from my start time. Thats Just Me.

...and somebody spoke and I went into a dream...

I had my ego stroked today. It was a hoppin' day at work and I embraced it. Its nice to know that I can still handle multitasking and prioritizing 8 patients plus phone triage without going nuts, and still giving each one the kind of care that produces comments like, "You've been doing this a while, haven't you? You're so good at explaining things. I feel SO much better". I really take pride in what I do. Yes, it is what pays the bills, but it is also a bigger part of me than I sometimes realize. I can't always control how well I do as a stay at home mom, because Maddy will always have her off- days. I can have my off-days at work, but those are much more rare.

The fact I got a text from Ross today saying that Maddy started walking solo (without holding on to furniture) was just the icing on the cake. I wasn't depressed that I was at work while it happened, because I spend so much time with that girl that I know I won't miss too much. She performed for me when I got home from work, and she was sooo happy to see me. She actually stretches her arms out and whines, "mama!" and shakes with excitement when she sees me walk in the door. My heart has never been this warm! Not to be cliche or mushy, but recently, being a mom has felt so much more amazing and rewarding than it ever has. Sure; her defiance and getting into everything is challenging. But she responds to me. She knows me. She loves me. She has been testing me, but ultimately has been obeying me for the most part (so far). Her personality is already so evident- strong willed, fun loving, sweet, cautious, and analytical. She is totally working the fake cry these days, to which I laugh at her. She usually stops "crying" and laughs back. This phase has been the highlight of my parenting career, so far.
*whispers* Ross has a job interview tomorrow. Pray for him. I am happy with our current job situtation right now, but that is only if I don't take his happiness into account, which isn't fair to him. He is too smart to be selling cars, and he hates doing it. He wants to be the breadwinner, and he wants to be challenged at work. More on that, later.

My Man

It is my belief, that season two of Sex and the City is the bestest, funniest season. I am watching the one with Carrie's friend with the really mean husband. I love it when he screams: "WHAT have I told you about screwing with my CD's?!?! You put NATALIE IMBRUGLIA, BACK in U2!!!!!!".

My husband, on the other hand, is pretty great. We have been super busy and sleep deprived lately, so last night he convinced me to lay down on the floor with him and fall asleep to ambient music at 9:00pm. As we lay together I couldn't stop my overactive mind from thinking, so he put his arms around me and helped me use guided imagery to calm down my thoughts. Even though thoughts about finding a good day care, what color to dye my hair (as in, reddish brown, or just brown brown?) and other irrelevant thoughts I can't even remember tried to creep in, I was eventually sound asleep by 9:45pm. It was really nice; and even nicer that Madelyn slept until 8am, so we were fully rested and ready for a good day.

I don't know if I say this enough, but I married a really amazing person. He is not perfect, and he has made mistakes, as have I. He isn't the always most thoughtful and romantic man you'll ever meet, but he is more committed to his wife and daughter than anyone I have ever seen. He has the distinct ability to hurt me more than anyone else can, but he does his very best not to, and if he does, it hurts him just as much. He ALSO can still make me blush and feel shy and giddy, even after being together for over 7 years.

***Every once in a while I have a memory from college before Ross and I got together. I remember seeing him around campus (OIT was a small campus, and it wasn't too unusual that we had some mutual friends). I remember how gorgeous and mysterious he seemed; with his piercing blue eyes, tall stature, and dark features. The few times I saw him at parties or gatherings with friends, he seemed pretty quiet and confident; playing his guitar in the corner, not seeming to care about what else was going on in the room. I remember seeing him and thinking I could never end up with a guy like THAT. I have always been such an average, not so special girl, and this guy was handsome and mysterious. Imagine how special this average girl felt when he showed an interest in ME.***

So in case you were wondering...that's how my husband still has the ability to make me giddy after all this time. Even though I know him better than anyone else does, and we definitely have our bickering, old married couple moments. But the man makes me swoon, and probably will even when we're 85.

Saturday...in the Park

Hey, that title works because we went to the park today AND its Saturday!

Spent a lovely morning with the sisters in St. John's neighborhood having brunch at James John Cafe. Love that place. The best brewed Stumptown coffee I have ever had (stong and hot!) and they serve it in "World's Best Dad" type ceramic mugs that you could only find at the GoodWill or if you're lucky enough, your parents might still have some hanging around from the 90's. The food is A-MA-zing. The people who work there every weekend are really sweet and one of them always come over and talks and coos with Maddy.

Afterward, we hit the Farmer's Market where I bought kale, and carrots and turnips that I plan on roasting for dinner tonight. At the moment I am decompressing while drinking an Arnold Palmer with limeade and while I try to force maddy to nap in her swing. Thank the Lord she is a skinny girl and hasn't reached the 25 lb limit yet, because some days its the ONLY way I can get her to nap. She seems to do fine unless we have had a busy day being out and about. You would think the excitement would wear her down, but its quite the opposite. She gets all jazzed and excited and thinks that her bed is for bouncing, not for sleeping. For this reason, simply leaving her in her crib to fall asleep on her own will not work; contrary to what you may have heard. She will go to bed at night by herself, but I think its because its dark.

Oh excuse me, where are my manners? I don't think I posted any birthday pics!

I am pretty mega bummed i did not get any cuter pictures of her little birthday suit (made by your's truly!) If you were at the party and took pics, please sent them to me!!!

Mama managed to have fun and give the birthday girl some luvins- even though I was kinda a stress nut for a lot of the day.

aaaaaaaand finally- passed out after 4 shots and a heel prick after her 12 month visit. A three hour nap followed, so consider this picture a grand moment in history. Today on the other hand, she is testing me again. Its almost 4 pm and total nap time is about 45 minutes so far. She's not crying, so I'm standing my ground and letting her hang by herself in her crib and I'm keeping the audio and video monitors close by. I just witnessed her rolling from one end to the other. My poor little spaz :)

Boobs.

The other night, my husband and I talked about boobs for about an hour. Mainly how much mine have changed over the past year or so.

Here is a picture of me late 2006; before Madelyn was even a twinkle in Ross's eye. Look at those boobs:

Yes, that's me. With a wig. And a special Victoria's Secret Very Sexy bra. The white thing in the middle of my face? That's what happens to my nose when I laugh. Get used to it. (By the way, in case you were wondering, I was Paris Hilton for halloween that year!)

Then here is a little sample of me pregnant. In a bikini (we were in hawaii for my friends Lisa and Tim's wedding when I was 5 months pregnant). The boobs were freakin huge (for me) and definitely a pair I could live with; as long as I could find cute 34 DD bras to accomodate them (in all their glory).

I will not share anymore pictures from here on out, but I will go on to say that they were pretty big and magnificent until about a month ago. Then there was the part when Maddy weaned herself. Since then, I have been left with what I like to call "Fried eggs hanging on a doornail". Sorry if that sounds vulgar; I think I heard it on Family Guy. And in all honesty, they really aren't THAT saggy. But the skin is stretched, the nipples look kinda weird, and they have lost that perkiness I used to enjoy and be proud of.

So back to my husband and I's discussion about my boobs.

He started the sentence out very carefully, as he knew he was entering into very, very dangerous territory (ie- any discussion about my body). He prefaced it with how much he loves my body, finds me very sexy (and I actually do believe him), how thankful he is for my body and how much he appreciates and respects how I sacrificed my body for our beautiful child...but he was curious if the, um, perkiness would ever return. He added, "If not, that's totally okay. I'm just curious". Then he took a deep breath and waited for my wrath; which never came. I also had to take a deep breath and stop myself from acting like too much of a woman and overreacting and being oversensetive. But I totally understood his question, because I wonder the same thing. My stomach made it out without a single stretchmark, all of the baby weight is gone (yeah Weight Watchers!) but what about my boobs? Will they ever look normal again? Are there any remedies to this situation other than surgery? Special creams, pectoral exercises, herbal supplements? Right now, my only hope for fuller, livelier boobs is getting pregnant with our next child. And that's not something I'm ready to try...just right now at least ;)

I Have a One Year Old?!?!?!

I just rocked my one-year old baby to sleep. How did this happen? I don't completely know why, but I have been a little sad all yesterday and today. I teared up as we sang her "Happy Birthday" yesterday at her rockin' b-day party. I watched in disbelief as she poked at the cake with her right index finger for a good 5 minutes as everyone watched with anticipation for her to take her first bite. I melted inside as I looked at the clock at 1:20pm today and realized that a year ago at that moment, I was working on pushing Madelyn out of my body for her to start living in this world. At 5:00pm, Ross and I reflected on how a year ago at that moment, we were cradling our Madelyn; not resting a single moment for fear of her somehow breaking or spontaneously stop breathing. And how we held her with such caution and care; not wanting any chance of harm to come within miles of her.

As I rocked her to sleep tonight, I thought of the past 12 months, and how much of that time I spent holding her, rocking her, feeding her, cuddling with her, "shhhhh"-ing her, singing to her, and sometimes crying with her. Holding my beautiful dear, I had no serious regrets; except for that I wish I had embraced each phase of her life more. If I would have known a year ago that she would grow to be such a sweet little girl, then maybe I wouldn't have been so frustrated about her night time wakings, her 8-11pm "Midnight Madd-ness", and her 45 minute nursing sessions. Or maybe I would? Maybe hindsight is 20/20, and post-partum hormones are more powerful than wisdom. Who knows. The important thing is, that we made it together (all three of us, I mean) and I know that she loves me, and she knows I love her.

Today, my special little girl does this:

Food: She eats everything we eat, as long as its not too spicy or hard to chew. She drinks a bottle of whole milk first thing in the morning, before her nap, and before bedtime (yeah, we cheated and transitioned her 2 weeks early. Buying formula is a pain in the arse!).

Milestones: She can stand up by herself without falling; as long as she is distracted by clapping or playing with a toy. Once she realizes she's standing on her own; she gets a concerned look and reaches for something or sits back down.

Sleep: She takes a 2-hour nap at noon-ish and that's it. She goes to bed around 7:30-8pm and sleeps until 7:30-8am.

Words: Dada, Mama (when she is upset, mostly), Na-na (when she's hungry), Heh-huh (her version of "uh-oh", and she uses the same voice inflection as we say uh-oh), "eye-jul" (Nigel, or Gentle...because everytime she pets Nigel, we tell her to be gentle). Her new thing is to copy whatever you say using the same voice inflection as you, but just her bable. Its hard to explain, but oh-so very cute :)

I will have to talk about her wonderful Birthday party and post pictures, but for now the hubs and I are going to decompress after a busy week with the fam and burn wrapping paper in our firepit.

Just Us.

T minus 4 days until my first born is ONE year old. 3 days until the big par-tay.

It has been an amazing year. I have way too much going on right now to ramble on about every single detail in this post, so I will summarize things into a few simple points:

1) Even though my mom is legally blind, she cleans my house 10x better than I do, and has way more staminia and vigor towards cleaning at the tender age of 67
2) My husband is the best husband/dad there is. He willingly rocked his daughter to sleep at 4:30am this morning when she woke up crying (we think she's getting a molar or two), and then volunteered to put her to bed tonight when he got home from work. No complaining woman about "my man ain't doin nothin" on this blog. I don't know how to make those little heart shaped icons in the blogger/facebook world, but if I did, I would put one right...here. Seriously though; I am so blessed. I can't believe how sweet and hands-on he is.
3) I have the coolest family and friends there are, and feel so blessed by them. We have been hanging out with friends and family every night practically for the past two weeks, and have enjoyed every.single.minute of it. To make the deal even sweeter, my sister Kath and brother-in-law Mike are arriving in PDX tomorrow morning! WOO HOO!!!!!
4) Taking a week off from work? Sweet. Sooooooo sweet. Makes me appreciate my job more; and I'm sure I'll be ready to go back on Tuesday.
5) *its a secret* But pray for us. We might have a great opportunity on the horizon for us. More on that later when we know more!

Show Me That Smile Again ( part two of weekend)

On Sunday we enjoyed a wonderful gathering of friends and family for Ross's 30th Birthday (which was on Thursday). His parents hosted a really nice dinner of salmon, salad, corn, potato salad, and fruit. Pretty much all of Ross's close friends made it all the way out to Boring, OR to celebrate him. It was very touching and sweet. Later, as Ross showed me the nice words in his B-day cards, it felt so great knowing that other people appreciate him as much as I do. I don't know if I say this as much as I should, but he is pretty freakin amazing :)

THEN, on Monday, we got to get together with an old friend from OIT (amongst other friends)and spend a nice day at the park. It was BEAUTIFUL outside, so we got lunch at a delish taco stand and the boys placed Boca ball (I totally spelled that wrong. I know its not Boca like Boca Burger, but I'm too lazy to Google it) while my friend Kara and I relaxed with our babies. Then we came home, I put Maddy to bed, sewed up a storm, and then was back to work on Tuesday.

Work is going well, but I'm so ready for a vacation. Even though I only work 3 days a week, I definitely need a little break. A pause to refresh, if you will. Tuesday was awesome and busy, but today was pretty slow and I found myself just NOT wanting to be there. My week off next week could not have come at a better time. I am excited to spend time with my family!

Maddy Update:
1) She looks SO different with teeth: here is a video I took today of her where you can get a really good look at her chompers!

2) I forgot to mention this earlier, but she is a clapping fiend. She really got the clapping down when she was about 10 1/2 months, but now its totally her thing.

3) She walks and even runs as long as she is holding on to my hand or something, but no solo walking or standing yet.

Tomorrow is our first play group outing. We are going to the library for Little Tots story time. I am excited for my little social girl!

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Oh What a Weekend! (part one)

Let's do a timeline, just to keep me organized. This blog got a little too long as I was typing, so I decided to make it a two-parter:

Saturday morning- went to St. John's for breakfast and famer's market with my sister. Visited one of my favorite children's consignment/handmade goods store up there called Lilly Toad. I casually told the girl working there about the cloth babywipes I like to make out of fabric remnants and used recieving blankets. I knew they sold gently used cloth diapers, but I didn't see any cloth wipes for sale and wondered if they might want to sell some from 'lil 'ol me. I didn't at all expect her reaction; which was a very eager YES! She seemed pretty excited about it, which made me pretty freakin excited! So I have been cutting and sewing during every nap and spare minute I could find in this busy weekend. The biggest challenge right now is decided how much to charge. It is a consignment store, so $ from the sale is split 60/40 (them). The materials for the wipes are cheap, and they are easy. I don't have a serger, so I used a zig-zag stitch; but I know it works just great, because I have been using my own wipes for a year now with no problems. It is mostly just time consuming and tedius to measure and cut tons of squares and sew the same thing over and over. So I have to figure out how much my time is worth. (plus, I think the fact that they are made from re-used product will appeal to the PDX eco-friendly moms). Wish me luck on this!

Saturday (day): I almost had a meltdown. We had an evening wedding party at 7pm and were bringing Maddy with us. It was our first late event bringing the baby since she has had a designated bedtime. You know, once she grew past the newborn-who-sleeps-anywhere, anytime phase. She only napped 25 minutes in the morning, so I was hopeful for a long afternoon nap to leave her feeling refreshed for the night ahead of her. Well, my stubborn little girl must have known this was my plan, because she refused to nap. She fought tooth and nail for 2 hours. Playing in her crib, "doot doot"ing, jumping. Didn't shed a single tear. I came in periodically to change her diaper and offer her formula/milk or water. I even tried rocking her, but she was far more interested in my nostrils than sleep. My Saturday was slipping away and I had not gotten a moment of mommy/alone/sanity time. As she layed there picking my nose, the anger/frustration just boiled over and I screamed with my mouth shut. Yep, you heard me. I screamed with my mouth shut. I had to release somehow, but I didn't want to scream in my happy baby's face. I'm sure it looked as weird as it sounds, because Maddy responded with a very nervous laugh. I gently set her in her crib and walked away. I haven't had one of those moments in a LONG time. I gathered my stregnth and what speck of patience I had; took a deep breath, and 10 minutes later I walked into my smiling daughter's room and said, "Hi sweet baby. Okay, so what are we going to do now?" So we read a book, ate a snack, and chatted with each other over cheerios and cheese. Despite having only 25 minutes of nap between 6:30am and 10:30pm, Maddy was a hit at the party and didn't have a single melt-down moment. She laughed, danced, clapped, and just soaked in watching and interacting with all the people around her. Lord help me; my daughter is just like me.

Tears for Fears

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7JvL2ap3Cg

I LOVED the Disney movie Dumbo when I was very little. It was right up there with "The Little Mermaid", "Annie", "Marry Poppins", and "Sister Act" (what?). I could watch it over and over and still love it. The song I YouTube'd above is called "Baby Mine", and though my memory of the Dumbo story is a bit foggy, I just remember it is when baby Dumbo is separated from his mom, and he is able to have a breif and tender reunion with her. As a very small child, this scene made me cry every time, because of how sad I would be if I didn't get to be with my mom. I remember being inconsolable when she would drop me off at the babysitters to go to work (Gosh that must have been sheer HELL for her). But that was JUST how important she was (and still is) to me. The song always had a special place in my heart, and I always thought I would sing it to my baby one day.

Somehow, in the fog and chaos of my pregnancy and the first year of my first child's life, I completely forgot this until last night. Desparate for good lullabyes to sing to my girl, I started out with "Goodnight" by The Beatles (White Album- Ringo sings it). Then I remembered "Baby Mine" and attempted to sing it (mostly had to hum it). Even just humming that beautiful song the memories and associations with it made the tears rush out uncontrollably. You know when you can keep your composure, keep your voice steady so as not to sob, but the tears literally pour out of your eyes like a faucet? It was like that. But it wasn't just the memories that made me weep; but it was the fact that I now was holding my own beautiful, sleeping daughter in my arms. I actually am a mother now. The emotions were/are just so intense. Okay, so maybe it is that time of the month, and maybe I am hormonal. The feelings are the same; there's just more tears ;)

I did okay humming the song again while putting Maddy to bed tonight, until I came downstairs and YouTubed the video. But lets just say, this completely solidified my thoughts on having an Elephant theme for Maddy's room. And I am SO buying her Dumbo for her birthday.