Hopefully Excited

Ross is applying for a super awesome job that he has a really good shot at. He should know in a week or two if he gets an interview. He has a lot of connections and odds in his favor. It is an IT position with the Clackamas Co Sheriff Dept. There are so many great things about this job that I don't even want to think or talk about it, because I don't want to divulge too much in case he doesn't get it. But the biggest thing is: the pay and benefits are great, so working would be "optional" for me if he got this job.

*SCREAM*

This is the only place I can "scream" and get excited over something that is in no way guaranteed. Why?Well, I'm not saying we have had it rough, but I will say that having a husband who is the type of man who likes to work and be the breadwinner being unemployed for 2+ years while this mama who wants to be a semi-SAHM has been bringing home the bacon has been...less than desirable for the both of us. We have faught. We have envied each other due to our role reversal and have even been bitter toward each other at times because of this. I have walked out the front door to my car gracefully after hugging my sweet baby girl; only to hear her screaming and crying as soon as the front door closes...and have it break my heart a little every time. The older and wiser she gets, the worse the cries are and the tighter her hugs get before I'm about to leave.

I'm not asking for sympathy. I fully understand that millions of moms around America do this every day; and probably have harder, lower paying jobs than I do. I get that. But that doesn't change the fact that I have a very strong calling to have MOM/WIFE be my #1 duty for a little while and put being an RN to the backburner for a bit. I can work as an RN for another 40 years. I only get to be a mom of babies/toddlers for another 5 years or so; so I want to catch every minute I can. I want to have more babies and soak in every minute of it; and be there for every moment. I want to work on disciplining Maddy; and help form her into a well behaved young lady. I have a really hard time with discipline now; because on days I work I just want to cuddle and laugh with her; not say 'no' constantly and discipline her as needed. I want to stop envying all the SAHM's I know, and get sad every time I can't go to a playdate or playgroup because I will be at work.

I know women who seriously rock it as the working-mom. These women are terrific planners and delegaters; and just seem to do it all with no sweat. I have tried to be this woman, and I think in God's eyes I have succeeded enough to make me wiser and more appreciative...but I definitely don't "rock it". I never have. I have done it because I had to. I am extremely excited at the possibility of not having to TRY so hard to rock it anymore. I am thrilled that I may actually get a chance to be what I have wanted to be for so long; what my heart really desires. Just thinking about it makes me giddy.

I cannot say these things out loud though. Ross has put HOURS upon hours into the job application (very intensive for a job with the Sheriff's Dept!) and he is feeling the pressure because of what is at stake. He wants so badly for me to be able to work optionally, and for him to be the breadwinner. He knows how badly I want it too, so I am not discussing my excitement with him, because I know there is a possibility that he may not get the job. But for now, I am going to just enjoy the excitement of the possibility...and maybe even fantasize a little.