A Mother's Dillemma

Well I have some good news and bad news. First the good news:

As I typed in the Blogger website after deciding to write this post, I realized; "I blog a lot more when I am facing a challenge in my life or things aren't going the way I want them to". I am not very good at documenting my happiness; I just enjoy it, or am too busy to think about it. So since I haven't been a good blogger, then its a safe assumption that things have been going very well for us!

When I have a matter that causes unrest in my soul, it is constantly on my mind and heart. I think about it, pray about it, and talk to any loving and patient friend who will listen. I am an over-thinker, so that naturally spills over into my blog.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have struggled with being a working mom. When Ross was unemployed, I just didn't have a choice so it was what I had to do despite my wants and desires to stay at home with my baby. Now, I consider my pay and benefits for even just working part-time too much of a blessing to give up. Not to mention the rewards of my career. I am good at what I do and feel valued by the doctors I work with and my patients. It can be very satisfying.

But no amount of money and praise is as satisfying as sitting here with a cute 2 year old with her cheek on my arm. Making pancakes (or just cereal) and coffee in the morning and kissing my sweet husband before he goes to work and then being in a good mood when he comes home with dinner made feels great too. In approximately 4 months, I'll be cradling a new pile of moosh who will want my boobs and my arms as much as he can get them. And lets not forget his sweet sister. The thought of leaving a a 3 month old baby AND Maddy to go back to work (even 3 days a week) sends a panicky feeling through my body. Ross and I have been contemplating what we are going to do when that time comes; but naturally we have been putting it off. Its too hard to think about and I'm scared to choose between my (part-time) career and my family. [not saying that moms who work choose their career over their family--- this is particular to me. I am not good at doing both; I was not made that way].

I am in awe of some of my co workers who work 4-5 days a week with little ones and seem to rock it (I've reference this thought/envy in a previous blog). Seeing them makes me feel guilty and like I should just suck it up and work without complaining. But every morning I leave for work, saying goodbye to my daughter just feels painful and unnatural. Even though I completely trust my mother in law(1 day/week) and Maddy's babysitter(2 days/week) I still HATE it. At the top of my "selfish me"prayer list has been asking God for help and peace with making a decision about what to do about work once junior arrives.

2 nights ago I read a letter from our babysitter, "G" letting us know that she wouldn't be providing childcare anymore as of December 1st. I don't know if I was able to tell you about G, but I found her because my good friend "J" has been taking her daughter (and Maddy's buddy) B there for 2 years. I would normally never feel comfortable taking Maddy to a day care, but I knew how much J loved and trusted her; and when I met her I felt instantly at ease and even learned that we go to the same church. The fact that G lives up the street from us made it even better. And I don't even know if you would call it a "Day Care" because she is usually just watching Maddy and B, and Maddy LOVES it. I felt like it was the best possible situation I could have for having to use a day care/babysitter. But this option is leaving us shortly, and we have some choices to make.

Have you ever had a moment when you KNOW what you're supposed to do, without a doubt? When God (or Whomever you believe in, to be fair) speaks to you, telling you what you need to do and you can't deny it? I have only had this happen to me a handful of times; and its extremely convicting and powerful. I have probably cried 8 times in the past 24 hours; because its so overwhelming and I know I can't put this off anymore. I asked for guidance and help making a decision; and I got my answer. I tried to work around it and started searching for day care options/nannies in my area but again this just evoked fear and discomfort and reduced me to tears again. Its not right. Not for us at least.

In the mean time, Ross needs to hammer out a few details with his job. His job still isn't as stable as mine, so relying on his income would be taking a huge leap of faith. He is going to see if he can work a couple evenings a week so he can watch Maddy during the day while I work. For now, we still need my benefits for my OB visits and the baby's arrival. After that, it will be interesting to see how things work out. We have had enough road bumps that we are not too naive to realize that Ross could lose his job at any point, and this could change our plans around again. I am excited to see where our faith and reliance takes us.

* Oh yeah, by the way....ITS A BOY!!!!!! A sweet kicky dancy active little boy. I was told I have an anterior placenta so I won't feel the baby very much, but I felt him early on and some days I want him to even settle down a bit because there's too much of a party in my tummy!