Cinderella

Madelyn-
We got you the Disney movie Cinderella for Christmas this year. I admit to being just as excited about getting to watch it with you as I was about you enjoying it. As soon as you saw this movie once; it quickly became something you have wanted to watch daily (much to my delight). In fact, Cinderella kept you entertained and delighted when daddy's car broke down last week and we had to drive him to and from Canby. You like to quote it on a regular basis; your favorite saying being, "Oh that clock! Time to get up, you say;  time to start the day. Even he bosses me around!".

I watch this movie now with a whole new perspective than I had when I was a little girl your age. I couldn't help but notice how Cinderella and her prince fall in love after dancing together one night; and how they married soon after. The movie doesn't show them dating. It doesn't show them arguing or questioning things; it was just so simple. Once reunited, they lived happily ever after. For a moment, I had a bit of concern that you were watching this movie over and over and that this would be your perspective on love and finding the man you will marry. But I quickly changed my mind and decided this:

Madelyn, you deserve nothing less than your prince charming and your own fairy tale. You just need to take it with a grain of salt, because its a little more complicated than Cinderella's story. As your mom, I will explain to you how I hope you will find love.

Find a man who makes you feel nervous and comfortable at the same time. A man who gives you butterflies; yet you could talk to for hours and feel like you could tell him everything. And in return, he would listen to you and be captivated that a girl as outwardly beautiful as you could be so smart, kind, and funny. He would appreciate you for everything that you are- just amazing.

Also keep in mind that butterflies alone don't make a lasting love; make sure he is your best friend. Make sure you have plenty in common- not everything, as you should have your own hobbies to enjoy and other things that make you each individuals-but enough to share plenty of laughs and wonderful memories together along your journey.

He would be a really good man who loves his family and treats his parents well. He would love the Lord; and be a spiritual leader in the family for you and your future children. He would make you and your children his top prioroty and would work hard to support you.

Maddy, he won't be perfect. He will have his flaws. He will be weak at times. He will get angry at you, and you at him. You and he will fight from time to time (sometimes it may feel like all the time). But both of your bottom line will be that you both love and have comitted to each other.  Though you might get mad at each other, he would never EVER hit you or physically harm you in any way. He would never call you names or make you feel inadequate or that you're not wonderful; because you are.

Honey, your job in this fairy tale, is to be a strong, supportive, and loving wife. You will love and respect your prince.  You will learn how to swallow your pride and keep your stubborn mouth shut, even when you feel like you're right and he is wrong.  When times get tough and you feel unappreciated; take a step back and look at everything he does for you (and your future children). Life isn't always easy, and a true love and committment to each other and to God will carry you through any tough time you encounter (emphasis on God and committment- trust me on this one!).

Sweet Pea, your current Prince Charming (daddy) and I love you so much. I hope you read this one day and know just how valuable and amazingly precious you are. Don't ever sell yourself short.

"...if you keep on believing- the dreams that you wish will come true"

not to worry.

It's amazing how the events in our lives shape us and impact us. Especially events early on; during those vital young days where we are being shaped into the adults we are today.

Rewind: Maddy and Ezra were both pretty sick the week before Christmas. They both recovered, but Maddy seems to have a lingering low-grade fever that we can't quite explain. She mostly acts the same and is an active and healthy young girl, but as her worried mother I notice every little difference. She's quicker to have melt downs. She is napping about 1-2 times a week instead of NEVER. But she's eating, drinking, peeing, pooping. She's not coughing, sneezing, or oozing or complaining of pain.

Since we're at 3 weeks now of 99.5-100.4 degree temp, we visited her pediatrician today. He completed her exam without noting any abnormalities and explained, "Meh- sometimes kids just run a bit warmer than usual" (pardon my language, but that's bullsh*t). He suggested we have blood drawn if this persists or any new symptoms arise; such as night sweats, complaints of bone pain, weight loss, appetite loss.

Maybe its the worrier in me; maybe its the oncology nurse in me; but I couldn't help but worry about cancer. I stiffed the "worried anxious wreck mother" Amy,  and put on my "logical, calm, respectful" Amy face and followed his instructions and we went home. I mean, she is mostly normal. Aside from the temp. And the behavior. And this nagging feeling that something about my delightful little girl is just...off.  And my knowledge of symptoms of leukocytosis and common childhood malignancies nags and nags.

Ross and I had a very tense and serious discussion about this tonight. He was trying to be supportive, but also was getting a bit panicked and upset at me for even bringing the thought of cancer into the picture. Of course its always a possibility, but realistically the chances are very slim. I tried to explain that as an oncology nurse I probably was just able to read between the lines a bit more as he explained what kind of testing he wanted to do...and how he could never understand how much a mother worries about her children. As soon as that baby is conceived, the mother wants nothing more than to protect her baby. She will ALWAYS worry about him or her; and it was normal for me to worry about this, right? And then it hit me. I had to say it out loud:

"When I was sixteen, my dad became ill one day. He went to the hospital and had extensive testing done. They sent him home, telling him it was the flu; indigestion. The next morning; he died."

Every mother worries; but not like I do.

The experience of losing a loved one seemingly without warning has magnified how fragile life is. Since losing my dad; every time I have fallen in love, I have deeply feared losing that person. With Maddy and Ezra; its like 100000000000x as much. To make matters worse, my medical training and experience gives me enough   information to give me more to worry about.

As I wrap up this dismal post; I will finally mention hope. When my dad died; we survived. I became a stronger young woman. I am able to cope with death and minister to others who struggle with even beginning to fathom losing a loved one. Furthermore; I believe that Heaven is mine and my loved ones' final resting place and our spirits will be reunited in paradise one day. And it will be so beautiful that there should be nothing to fear.

I know in my heart that Maddy is fine. We have decided to have her blood drawn and tested on Monday so we can have peace of mind.