not to worry.

It's amazing how the events in our lives shape us and impact us. Especially events early on; during those vital young days where we are being shaped into the adults we are today.

Rewind: Maddy and Ezra were both pretty sick the week before Christmas. They both recovered, but Maddy seems to have a lingering low-grade fever that we can't quite explain. She mostly acts the same and is an active and healthy young girl, but as her worried mother I notice every little difference. She's quicker to have melt downs. She is napping about 1-2 times a week instead of NEVER. But she's eating, drinking, peeing, pooping. She's not coughing, sneezing, or oozing or complaining of pain.

Since we're at 3 weeks now of 99.5-100.4 degree temp, we visited her pediatrician today. He completed her exam without noting any abnormalities and explained, "Meh- sometimes kids just run a bit warmer than usual" (pardon my language, but that's bullsh*t). He suggested we have blood drawn if this persists or any new symptoms arise; such as night sweats, complaints of bone pain, weight loss, appetite loss.

Maybe its the worrier in me; maybe its the oncology nurse in me; but I couldn't help but worry about cancer. I stiffed the "worried anxious wreck mother" Amy,  and put on my "logical, calm, respectful" Amy face and followed his instructions and we went home. I mean, she is mostly normal. Aside from the temp. And the behavior. And this nagging feeling that something about my delightful little girl is just...off.  And my knowledge of symptoms of leukocytosis and common childhood malignancies nags and nags.

Ross and I had a very tense and serious discussion about this tonight. He was trying to be supportive, but also was getting a bit panicked and upset at me for even bringing the thought of cancer into the picture. Of course its always a possibility, but realistically the chances are very slim. I tried to explain that as an oncology nurse I probably was just able to read between the lines a bit more as he explained what kind of testing he wanted to do...and how he could never understand how much a mother worries about her children. As soon as that baby is conceived, the mother wants nothing more than to protect her baby. She will ALWAYS worry about him or her; and it was normal for me to worry about this, right? And then it hit me. I had to say it out loud:

"When I was sixteen, my dad became ill one day. He went to the hospital and had extensive testing done. They sent him home, telling him it was the flu; indigestion. The next morning; he died."

Every mother worries; but not like I do.

The experience of losing a loved one seemingly without warning has magnified how fragile life is. Since losing my dad; every time I have fallen in love, I have deeply feared losing that person. With Maddy and Ezra; its like 100000000000x as much. To make matters worse, my medical training and experience gives me enough   information to give me more to worry about.

As I wrap up this dismal post; I will finally mention hope. When my dad died; we survived. I became a stronger young woman. I am able to cope with death and minister to others who struggle with even beginning to fathom losing a loved one. Furthermore; I believe that Heaven is mine and my loved ones' final resting place and our spirits will be reunited in paradise one day. And it will be so beautiful that there should be nothing to fear.

I know in my heart that Maddy is fine. We have decided to have her blood drawn and tested on Monday so we can have peace of mind.