Breastfeeding Chronicals- Chapter 3

The scene where I left off: Our first night home from the hospital with our brand new baby, who has been crying-no, screaming- for 2 hours straight. Ross and I were both in tears at this point. Her diaper had been changed twice, and she still would not latch on to nurse. With adult humans, you treat dehydration with (duh) drinking water or IV fluids. For some reason, I didn't know how to treat newborn dehydration. I didn't know if it was "okay" to give her a bottle of water. I was terrified.

We called the hospital. That's right, the hospital. We were close to getting her in the car and taking her back. Not to "return" her, like she was faulty merchandise or something; but because in the hospital she never cried like this. Surely the baby nurses would have the magic touch to make my baby stop crying. Afterall, I had NO idea what I was doing. I felt like a failure as a mother.

The hospital patched us through to a lactation consultant or advice nurse (I don't remember). I answered her bag full of stock questions: Maddy didn't have a fever (I already checked) and she didn't have any of my hairs wrapped around her little toe (which apparently is a very common cause of unexplained crying?). Her final answer?:

She's hungry.

I opened up my breast pump, thinking I could pump something and feed it to her. With my hands shaking, I opened the box and fumbled through the parts, which STILL needed to be sanitized. Nope, this isn't happening. Even if we sanitized the parts, I was way too emotionally fragile to figure out a new machine, and its not like I could practice before she was born! While fumbling through all this, and attempting yet again to nurse, the on-call pediatrician returned our call. I was hoping he would have the magic answer to make her stop crying; or that he would tell us to go to the hospital. I watched the hope on Ross's face disappear during their very brief 30 second phone call. Apparently, this was the cranky on-call pediatrician's answer:

"Umm...well, babies do CRY. Give her some formula."

As abrasive as that comment was, we realized that would be what we had to do. Unfortunately, we didn't have any formula. With all the exhausting and thorough preparations I did before Maddy was born, I never in my wildest dreams thought we would need to have formula on hand. I thought breastfeeding was just intuitive for mom and baby. We have a Safeway down the street, where Ross could have gotten formula when this all first started. But for some reason, Safeway felt too far away. Its amazing how all reason goes out the window when you are panicked that there is something wrong with your baby and you can't fix it.

Ross ran down the street to our neighbors, Chris and Jodi's house. Their son was a little over a year old, and we had hoped they had some formula. What felt like an eternity later, Ross returned with a can of Similac and a bottle of simethicone drops (baby gas drops). Ross made a 2-oz bottle of formula and added the drops. My tiny baby chugged that thing down like there was no tomorrow.

And then, there was peace in our home.

I cried and hugged Maddy. I felt like a terrible mom. I apoligized to her for not knowing what to do, and for her going through that. Ross hugged me. She finally settled down to sleep...for a while.

This was our initiation into the difficult journey I would embark on. Many breastfeeding supporters would critisize our decision to give our baby a bottle of formula that night. I don't have an ounce (no pun intended) of regret over that choice. It saved her, and us that night. Maybe I should have done things differently, or maybe if I had a lactation consultant or experienced family member in our home with us, I could have been more properly coached for her to latch and feed from me. Afterall, my mom was in town, and we had roughly 10 family members within a 10 mile radius of us. But for some reason, it never occurred to us to ask someone to come over. I think we needed to do it ourselves.

For the next few days, I would continue to try to nurse Maddy. I was determined to be totally patient with my tiny little human, and not be frustrated with her. Unfortunately a mixture of post-partum baby blues and her difficulty with latching made for a very difficult few weeks.

20 weeks

Age: 20 weeks


Weight -hmmm, something more than 13 lbs 8 oz.

Sleeping habit - Has woken up at almost 7am on the dot just about every morning this week. Asleep by 7:30-8pm. So this is great. Naps on the other hand? Almost non-existant. usually totals about 1 1/2 hours of naps a day. Today she took three 15min naps. It was a bad scene by bedtime. We would even take time to put her down, but she would just wake up very alert after 15-20 minutes.

Eating habits - 5 full feedings a day. She dropped the 6th feeding every day this week, and now goes 3-4 hours between feedings, which is crazy!

Cutest Moment of the Week - She LOVES her kitties! She pets them (well, reaches out and touches them and grabs their fur..sometimes pulling some out)

Milestones - if you look at her lower left gum area, you can now see a tiny light bump and can feel...yes! An itty bitty tooth under there.

Firsts -
1) She finally figured out how to blow razzberries. Its not very loud, but it is adorable.

Breastfeeding Chronicals- Chapter 2

"The Night We Came Home From the Hospital"...oh that fateful night.

I was discharged and we packed our things. I carried my tiny baby out of Providence Milwaukie Hospital, and was escorted out in a wheelchair, per protocol. Ross drove the Subaru Baja up to the pick-up area. We carefully strapped our 6 lb 14 oz baby (her weight after the initial weight loss after being born) into the huge Britax convertable carseat. She was a tiny little bundle in that seat- it looked way too big for her. Once we verified about 16 times that she was secure, I managed to climb into the car (still sore and bleeding from childbirth and its wounds) and we were on our way home. I sat in the back seat to monitor our little being. The entire way home, Ross asked how she was doing and talked to her. For some reason, it just didn't feel safe to be driving her anywhere. She was way too fragile and precious.

We got home, and set my new home for the next few weeks on the couch in the living room. We used an empty laundry basket to keep the essentials- diapers, cloth wipes and spray solution, burp cloths, lanolin, pacifiers that never got used, Colace, Ibuprofen 800mg tabs, my Providence water bottle, and books: "What to Expect- The First Year" and several different books and pamplets on breastfeeding. Ross and I would carry this basket up and down the stairs for the next few weeks. We set the inflatable "donut" for me to sit on to relieve the hemorrhoids and pain in my seat. The downstairs bathroom was stocked with a warm water squirt bottle, a sitz bath, and plenty of jumbo sized pads.

We sat down and held and marveled at our little joy as we wondered what our new life would be like with her in it. Around 5:30pm, we decided we should eat so Ross went to the Papa Murphy's down the street to fetch a Chicken Bacon Articoke DeLite Pizza. He was also going to the store to get me some beer (sweet beer, that I had gone 9 months without). I felt that I, the mother, should have no problem handling her on my own as he stepped out. About 10 minutes after he left, she started crying. I changed her diaper, I attempted to feed her. Her weak little sucks lasted but a few minutes, and she was back to crying. It didn't stop. Ross came home to find me in a panic, holding our newborn to my chest. She wouldn't latch to eat, but was still very upset. It had been about 45 minutes of nonstop crying at this point. He tried to calm her by holding her, rocking her, and singing to her. I remember I went upstairs to take a breath, cry, and pray while Ross held her. I could hear him singing, "Daddy loves Maddy" over and over to her and she wailed. I could tell he was frightened, too.

The crying would stop momentarily; as she caught her breath. Then she would resume just as forcefully as before. I remember looking at the clock and realizing my baby had been crying for almost 2 hours. She still would not latch and feed. She felt hot, and her oral mucosa was bone dry. The nurse in me panicked, because I knew she was dehydrated. Ross called his parents, and I don't even remember what they said. I remember there being a suggestion about me drinking a beer to help my milk come in. Looking back, they were probably right- not about the milk, but it would have at least helped me.

I'm thinking of adding more pictures...

This should be a good start!
photo by Kelley Huebler 1/30/10 (almost 4 1/2 months old)
Sometimes, I get teary over how beautiful she is. Thank you Lord!

The Breastfeeding Chronicals- Chapter One

I always knew I wanted to breastfeed my baby, if possible. Before Maddy was born, my decision to do this was pretty simple (and even a little selfish:
-It just "seemed" like the right thing to do. My mom did it and Ross's mom did it.
-Formula is expensive, and we are always looking for ways to save $
-I had heard you burn 500 calories a day breastfeeding. This pretty much sold me on it.

To be honest, I had a lot of hesitations and fears about it. I was a little icked out about having a human sucking on my boob all the time. Maybe its our culture, but it was hard for me to imagine breasts being anything other than sexual. As I have mentioned before, I was always appalled when I would see a woman breastfeeding in public. It made me uncomfortable, even though I knew I would be breastfeeding.

Fast foward to Maddy being born. The plan was that she would come out of the womb, lay on my chest, and she would naturally suck away and find nurishment and comfort in me.

Um....nope.

Don't get me wrong. Our first meeting face to face was magical. I recently watched it on video (YES, Ross filmed Madelyn's birth!) and it was amazing how her and I stared at each other forever. It really was. But when it was time for her to nurse, she didn't perform the way I thought she would. My boob was there, right there next to her mouth, but she was less than interested. I still wonder to this day if it was the small dose of IV narcotics for my labor pains.



I felt confident and held her right up to it like I had learned how to through my intense research and what I remembered from nursing school. Her tiny lips landed on my nipple, gave a few weak sucks, then she lost interest. In movies, a nursing baby is depicted as sucking on the nipple; but in actuality, the baby is supposed to take the entire areola in its mouth before sucking. This is needed to actually draw the milk out. Maddy just sucked on my nipple. This, my friends, is PAINFUL. Do not underestimate the power of a baby's suck.

The nurses were very helpful, but it just wasn't happening. I ended up staying the hospital 2 nights after birth- just to keep working on the nursing. I loved my nurses, but I really think they were a little quick to give us a "pass" on the nursing. By that, I mean that they can't discharge a nursing mother until she demonstrates correct technique and successful breastfeeding. So they would watch me, and if Maddy had a few successful sucks, they would say, "Great- there you go!" and then run off to chart that I was ready to go home.


The night we brought Maddy home from the hospital will forever go down in history, in the Lumsden household, as one of the worst nights of our lives.

Birth Story- raw and unedited

I had worked a full day on Friday (9/18/09). All of my co-workers told me, “You are having that baby this weekend! I just know it!”. I shrugged off these comments, as I didn't want to be too excited. I had not had a single contraction yet, and I knew that first babies are usually late. I was only 38 weeks and 2 days, and wanted to stay realistic about the fact that I could be pregnant for another two weeks or even longer.

Saturday morning (9/19/09), Ross got up at about 8-9am. I had felt like I should get up and start taking care of chores and “things to do before baby arrives”. But then a voice told me, “You know, you opportunities to have mornings like this are numbered. Once that baby comes, you won't get to sleep in! Enjoy it!”. So I did. I just went right back to sleep...until about 10:00am. I woke up feeling a deep sudden shift downward in my pelvis; almost like a pop. Intense discomfort followed that I have never experienced before, but I figured it must have been cramping. I got up to use the bathroom and felt like I peed for a lot longer than I anticipated. I wondered if it was my water breaking...but again didn't want to get too excited. I had been told that if you lay down, the fluid should run out, so I went back to bed. No fluid. But the discomfort returned about 10 minutes later, so I wrote it down to keep track. At 10:45, I was still unsure and in disbelief, but I told Ross. “This may be it”. I decided to take a shower. In our child birthing class, we were told that pre-labor and early labor can last up to 12 hours or more, so I figured I would get all cleaned up and do some chores. I had wanted to do my hair and make-up prior to the delivery. I even had waterproof makeup picked out. Call it vain, but I wanted beautiful pictures of the delivery!

While in the shower, I noticed that the pains were quickly becoming “longer, stronger, and closer together”, which was our cue to call the hospital, and when I knew this was really it. I actually was in disbeleif that I was in active labor this quickly, and was a little concerned that something was wrong. It was about 11:15am. I had Ross call Labor and Delivery, and then Dr. Tan. I bumbled through the closet and put clothes on but the pain was getting so intense that I could hardly do anything! Ross wanted to take a shower and pack more things, and I confidently told him, “No, we need to go NOW”. With wet hair and absolutely no makeup, we scramled out the front door to Providence Milwaukie Hospital, which thankfully is only 10 minutes away.

We arrived at the hospital around 11:45am, I think. I had already completed pre-registration very early in my pregnancy, but as Murphy's Law would have it, the admissions person was having trouble admitting me and pulling up my file. I was contracting and we were beginning to panic in the waiting room. I leaned over one of the chairs in the waiting room as a strong contraction came. I heard the admissions lady say on the phone, “Okay, you know what?! Someone just needs to come get her and take her up, she is contracting and needs to go NOW”. The brought me up in a wheelchair as I tried to keep my composure. I can't tell you how close together contractions were; it was all too chaotic. All I know is I barely had enough time to breath and rest from the painfully intense contractions before the next one came on.

We got to my room shortly after (around noon). I put my gown on in the bathroom, and there was fluid EV-ERY-WHERE. It felt gross. I climbed into bed and had my IV started and was hooked up to the monitor.The nurse checked my cervix. I was 7cm and 100% effaced!. Dr. Tan was on his way, and a resident was there to assist. They asked if it was okay to have the resident, and I told her that I didn't care if he delivered the baby as long as I could get her out soon! They told me it was probably too late for an epidural. I said that was fine, as I wanted to go without anyway.

When Dr. Tan arrived I was just about 10cm (I'm guessing this was about 12:45 to 1pm). The nurse had given me a small shot of IV Fentanyl, and this helped me relax more between contractions. In my loose birthing plan, I had decided to avoid narcotics, but I was in a panic over how much pain I was in. After a short discussion (between contractions) with Dr. Tan about getting a small enough dose that my baby would not need a shot of narcan (rescue drug that reverses the effects of narcotics) I went for it. I was just desparate for anything. I really had no concept of time, but they had to have been about a minute apart. I went ahead and started pushing as Dr. Tan got there, but then there was a little twist in events. Dr. Tan notified me that she has turned and was face up, and he was going to try and turn her. I had to get on all fours while he did some maneuvering while I was pushing. I remember getting angry at him, because he was manipulating during my rest time between contractions! At this point he said that it may end up taking a bit longer, so I asked for the epidural. The anesthesiologist was 30 minutes away, but they went ahead and called for him. Thankfully, he was able to get the baby to turn, and we were back on track with the pushing.

I remember hearing someone say, “Okay, the anesthesiologist is here...” and then Dr. Tan saying, “Wait, no, its too late. She's crowning”. I had already been pushing, but now it was time for the real pushes. The pushes I had been doing before felt like I had not made any progress, but now I could feel her coming. They held the mirror up for me to see, and I promptly demanded that they remove it, because it freaked me out. I was one of those women who screamed and grunted and made ALL kinds of noises. Like in the movies, only I'm sure I was a lot scarier and uglier, and I probably made the funniest looking faces. Thank the Lord for the doctors and nurses, because they encouraged me all the way through the difficult pushing. The excitement in their voices as they told me, “Good, that's perfect! Okay now push...GOOD!!” was exactly what I needed. Ross was at my side encouraging me. He kept telling me I could do it when I wanted to give up and was just amazingly loving and supportive the entire time.

Once I felt her coming, it really felt like she came out quickly. I remember seeing her and just repeating, “Oh my gosh, I can't believe this...” over and over. It was 2:09pm. They set her on my chest, and the pain was all gone. I didn't feel any pain, even as they removed the placenta and repaired my tears (I had 2nd degree tears from the quick labor, and apparently she had her hand up by her face when she came out, which was the major culprit for the tearing). I will not lie; this was the most pain I have ever experienced in my life. The contractions were way worse than the tearing and pushing the baby out. If I could go back in time, I would have skipped the Fentanyl. I didn't feel any actual pain releif; although Ross said he noticed a difference in my rest time between contractions. I also wonder if having narcs on board had anything to do with Maddy's horrid difficulty with latching to feed as a newborn. But that is a whole other story in itself.

As mentioned before, I had a loose birth plan prior to all of this. I am not sure if this helped or not. I don't think any woman's "birth plan" involves being practically naked, on all fours in front of two men and three women; none of whom I am romantically involved with. Yes, poo happened. It just does. Sorry if that's gross, and if I just gave too much info. I remember saying these words: "I am SO having my nurse give me an enema before delivering my baby. I am NOT pooping on the delivery table". Well, just like my dream of having my hair and makeup done; this idea went out the window. Childbirth is not pretty, I have learned. But amazingly enough, I did not feel self counscious about any of those things. I am too proud and amazed at what my body has done to feel bad about it not being perfect. Hello, Reality- Nice to meet you!

Madelyn Kristine Lumsden was born on 9/19/09 and 2:09pm at 7lbs-7.5oz and 19.5 inches. I was 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. She came out with a head full of dark brown hair and blue eyes. She is very healthy. She has her daddy's fingers and toes, and she appears to have her mommy's nose! My OB, Dr. Tan, his assisting resident Dr. Frank, and the nurses at Providence Milwaukie Hospital were beyond AMAZING and so good at what they do. Ross was incredible and supportive through the whole pregnancy, labor, and delivery...and now is an incredibly loving and involved father. I feel so incredibly blessed by the whole experience.

Balance

We had a REALLy fun day today. It started at 10:30 am with meeting our friends Kara, Jacen, and Kelley; who was visiting from Texas. We went to a resturant called Bertie Lou's, which I highly recommend. Great food and great coffee (Stumptown, the only brewed coffee that doesn't irritate my bowels. That's right, I said "bowels", and I know you want to hear all about them).

We had so much fun that we went shopping-well, a quick trip to Costco and they sat around waiting for us at Verizon while I exchanged my Android phone for a simpler LG EnV touch. The smart phone had too many bells and whistles and I couldn't justify the expensive data plan. So there you have it.

Then we went to Kara and Jacen's for fantastic macaroni and cheese from scratch (made by Kelley. Maddy had been a real sweetie all day, even though her schedule was all messed up. I tried really hard not to let this bother me. From what I understand, I guess my being so rigid about her schedule and bed time has put a damper on many a fun time for others. It once interrupted a movie that Ross and his parents were watching (I was not watching it, as I was distracted by caring for Maddy and have ADD when it comes to movies that aren't chick flicks). I didn't even flip when she went down for a nap at 6pm- VERY late for a nap, considering she is usually in bed by 7:30.

As 8pm came and went and my little daughter started rubbing her eyes, I just wanted to get home. I couldn't even enjoy time with my friends anymore, because I knew Maddy was about to begin her downward spiral into extreme fussiness. Her nighttime fussiness is not enough of a distant memory for me to start messing with it. I have mastered avoiding this trauma by sticking to her schedule. Tonight, I decided to relax a little and have us stay out an hour past her bed time; which would mean she wouldn't get to sleep until 2 hours past her usual sleep time. I figured she would be fine since she had the late nap.

We left at about 8:15pm, and I felt bad for leaving. Our friends are so acommodating for Maddy, and even have a baby bassinet she can nap in (they have a baby on the way!). They even kept their dogs in another room so they wouldn't be too loud. As we drove home, I was angry at myself for us not staying out longer. We ultimately HAD to leave because I hadn't packed enough diapers, and didn't pack her PJ's or other bedtime essentials. But I felt like once again; my rigidity had put an end to a fun evening....

Then the crying started.

It started as a wimper but then quickly escalated to full out screaming. The kind where she is coughing beause she is crying so hard. It is a 30 minute drive, and we had 10 minutes left to go. My adrenaline was going and I wanted mothing more than to jump in the back seat and hold her; but obviously I was driving. I carefully kept my eyes on the road; and then suddenly the car in the lane to the left of me started drifting over toward us and almost hit us. Thankfully I hit the horn and swerved enough to miss them. As if we needed any more drama in our car at that moment. We made it home, and Maddy had stopped crying. As I took her upstairs to her room, she actually smiled at me, even though her eyes were still wet from crying. This broke my heart for some reason.

I know I may sound like I'm making a really big freaking deal out of my baby crying, but for some reason it really tore my heart up tonight. I found myself caught up in an emotional battle between my baby's demands and my adult life and freedom. Ross and I need time with our friends, and the occasional freedom to just get up and spend a day and evening out once in a while. But as a result, Madelyn may get upset over some things. Her being upset makes me upset, because I love her so stinking much. I actually shed a couple tears tonight after all of this because I love her so much. So I guess we can have some freedom but it comes with consequences. I mean, don't get me wrong, she is FINE. She really isn't the suffering soul I have made it sound like- she just got upset. Next time, I am going to plan ahead and bring her portable crib and night time gear, and hopefully we will have a better outcome. So I guess the real lesson is that we should be more prepared in the future. I'm sure she would have been fine sleeping in the other room.

I am in a funk tonight over this. Hopefully, I can reach a good balance and find some peace over this.