Hopefully Excited

Ross is applying for a super awesome job that he has a really good shot at. He should know in a week or two if he gets an interview. He has a lot of connections and odds in his favor. It is an IT position with the Clackamas Co Sheriff Dept. There are so many great things about this job that I don't even want to think or talk about it, because I don't want to divulge too much in case he doesn't get it. But the biggest thing is: the pay and benefits are great, so working would be "optional" for me if he got this job.

*SCREAM*

This is the only place I can "scream" and get excited over something that is in no way guaranteed. Why?Well, I'm not saying we have had it rough, but I will say that having a husband who is the type of man who likes to work and be the breadwinner being unemployed for 2+ years while this mama who wants to be a semi-SAHM has been bringing home the bacon has been...less than desirable for the both of us. We have faught. We have envied each other due to our role reversal and have even been bitter toward each other at times because of this. I have walked out the front door to my car gracefully after hugging my sweet baby girl; only to hear her screaming and crying as soon as the front door closes...and have it break my heart a little every time. The older and wiser she gets, the worse the cries are and the tighter her hugs get before I'm about to leave.

I'm not asking for sympathy. I fully understand that millions of moms around America do this every day; and probably have harder, lower paying jobs than I do. I get that. But that doesn't change the fact that I have a very strong calling to have MOM/WIFE be my #1 duty for a little while and put being an RN to the backburner for a bit. I can work as an RN for another 40 years. I only get to be a mom of babies/toddlers for another 5 years or so; so I want to catch every minute I can. I want to have more babies and soak in every minute of it; and be there for every moment. I want to work on disciplining Maddy; and help form her into a well behaved young lady. I have a really hard time with discipline now; because on days I work I just want to cuddle and laugh with her; not say 'no' constantly and discipline her as needed. I want to stop envying all the SAHM's I know, and get sad every time I can't go to a playdate or playgroup because I will be at work.

I know women who seriously rock it as the working-mom. These women are terrific planners and delegaters; and just seem to do it all with no sweat. I have tried to be this woman, and I think in God's eyes I have succeeded enough to make me wiser and more appreciative...but I definitely don't "rock it". I never have. I have done it because I had to. I am extremely excited at the possibility of not having to TRY so hard to rock it anymore. I am thrilled that I may actually get a chance to be what I have wanted to be for so long; what my heart really desires. Just thinking about it makes me giddy.

I cannot say these things out loud though. Ross has put HOURS upon hours into the job application (very intensive for a job with the Sheriff's Dept!) and he is feeling the pressure because of what is at stake. He wants so badly for me to be able to work optionally, and for him to be the breadwinner. He knows how badly I want it too, so I am not discussing my excitement with him, because I know there is a possibility that he may not get the job. But for now, I am going to just enjoy the excitement of the possibility...and maybe even fantasize a little.

thoughts on the road

Well I've never posted from my phone before! Please excuuse the typoz.

We are headed back from Bend, Or where we stayed for one night. Everytime we come here I tell Ross I could live there. I just felt led to post today about how thankful and happy I am for being Madelyn's mom. She had a rough day with another little girl who did not play nice with her. Even moments after being pushed, Madelyn looked at her, pursed her lips together, and went "mmmmmah" as she leaned in to kiss her. I almost cried as I was so proud of her for loving others unconditionally, and being so forgiving. We have been struggling with Maddy's temper lately; so this was a good reminder that she is still my sweet girl with a good heart; in spite of her imperfections. Its difficult as a parent to see your little angel struggle with worldly flaws that afflict us all. I need to cope with knowing I can't protect her from the world; and just teach her the best I can while having faith the The Lord will guide her (and me).

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Monday Stay-at-home-mom/wife day

What I did today:

Made-

1) Split Pea and Ham soup from scratch (including a leftover ham bone from a few nights ago.) It was. The Best. Split pea soup I have ever had. the best part is that I used up a ton of leftovers and stuff that was about to go bad. I will post a recipe if anyone is interested.

2) Whole wheat bread (with a little help from my [breadmaker] friend)

3) Roasted garbanzo beans. Recipe

4) Am currently making homemade granola (in the oven as we speak at 1201 am. When do I have to be at work tomorrow? 8am. That's just me! Recipe

Played-

Ross was working on the floors today. He is laying down (all by himself!) beautiful dark wood inspired laminate in our stair landing and will hopefully tackle the stairs soon. This all started with water damage to our old laminate in our kitchen, and one heck of a homeowner's insurance blessing. Eventually; we will actually put tile in our kitchen.

but anyways- Maddy and I had to entertain ourselves outside the house all day. I dropped off cookies at my work this morning and said hi to all my coworkers, turned in clothes at Plato's Closet (earned $34- yessah! almost enough to pay for the new workout shoes I got at the Rack 2 days ago), and then went to the gym.

Maddy LOVES going to the gym. I love her burning off energy and not pulling out every Tupperware lid I own out of the drawers. Also, the girls who work at the Kids Club just LOVE Maddy and get excited every time i drop her off. Back when we first started, madelyn used to cry when I dropped her off. Now, she has so much fun that she just sprints off, only looking back to flash me a quick smile with her full set of pearly whites. It makes a mom happy to know that she is in a place she enjoys and is loved; and she gets to socialize and run around in a padded room. The gym has been a very wonderful thing for our family, and I recommend it to any mom (with babies over 6 months at least).

...Speaking of gym...I am running in a 5K race in March! Its the Portland Sharmrock Run, and I have been training for it 3 times a week. I am very proud of myself for this; and haven't talked about it, because I didn't want to be one of those people who make this big grand scheme for being healthier and doing something big and then NOT do it. Well ladies and gents; I'm doing it! And I even got 2 friends to sign up, so now I'm really accountable!

ANNOUNCEMENT:

Ross and I have agreed on when we want to start trying to conceive baby #2! Yes, we are actually going to have a second child; even after all the chaos we have been through the past two years ;) I am not disclosing when; because I think it will be fun to keep a secret for once. The only clue, is that we would prefer it if for our children were no more than 3 years apart. But thats all you get.

I have had a really great week. I have spent a lot of time with some great friends; and am reminded just how blessed I am. I am not letting my issatisfaction with working get in the way of my happiness. It is what it is; and we are truly making the best of it. Things are good at home, work, and within myself, spiritually. Ross and I have some great relationships and goals within the church that are exciting. Life is good and God is great!

2011- The Year I Got a Bit of Myself Back

2009 and 2010 were all about breastfeeding, cloth diapers, sleeping or not sleeping, obsessing about nap schedules, the amount of ounces my baby drank, and just everything about Madelyn's well-being and my false perception that I had to obsess about every little detail or she would end up like this:

I recognized that my post-postpartum anxiety and obsessive tenancies were running myself and my husband ragged. Being forced to work (almost) full-time against my desires seriously challenged my remaining sanity and forced me to take a step back and essentially snap out of it, or else I would lose it.

So I decided to just...let it go.

Easier said than done, but I have been forcing myself to believe the following on a regular basis:

1) Madelyn won't spontaneously stop breathing for no reason

2) I am very unlikely to get into a horrible car accident when Madelyn is in the car

3) If she cries (whines) in her room by herself for a bit, she will not be permanently and emotionally scarred and hate her mother

4) If she's hungry, she will eat. If she's being difficult and picky; she can just chose not to eat, and I don't have to rip my hair out. If she went a whole day without eating a green vegetable; I won't be judged by others and she won't have colon issues when she's older. She's a healthy girl. I should encourage healthy eating; not obsess about it.

5) She won't stop loving me as much because I work 4 days out of the week.

.....and so on, and so on...

I'm pretty sure these are really common "new parent" fears and struggles, but these things were causing me to snap at people and I thought about these things way, way, way too often. Even though it wasn't totally easy, I have been SO much happier since I let it go.

What I have been doing in my spare time:

1) Rekindling my physical and emotional bond with my husband

2) Connecting with new and old friends (moms and non-moms)

3) Running a comb through my hair, wearing cuter outfits and makeup and feeling better about my overall physical appearance (Vain? yes. But I don't care. My looks matter to me; that's just how it is. I am a much happier woman when I feel groomed/done up. If 30-45 minutes in the morning as opposed to 15 can accomplish that, then I'd say thats 15 minutes well spent!).

4) Going to the gym 3 times a week (With Maddy). That has felt awesome. I am pretty sure I replace all calories burned with my ever-lasting love for food and wine, but at least I'm not gaining, and I am finally getting my old abs back!

Maddy is still as spoiled with love as she has ever been; only now her mama is looking and feeling a whole lot bettah. Honestly, my life still revolves around that little girl (what can I say? She's amazing) but I have a great balance, even though I'm away from her more than I have ever been. On Tuesday through Friday, I am usually the first person she see when she wakes up. I try to get ready before she wakes so that I can change her, give her a bottle, and love her for 15 minutes before I have to leave for work. When I get home, the girl gives me a huge smile with those bright blue eyes, runs up to me, throws her arms around my neck for a tight hug, and then pulls back, and holds my face with her little hands. She looks at me as if to say, "Just making sure- it is you, right mama? Okay, it is you! Oh, how I've missed you!" and then hugs me again. Sometimes, I even get a big 'ole smooch. Not too shabby!

Ross has some job prospects, so one day I may get my dream of being a part-time working mom again. Heck; if that happens, maybe we'll even have more babies. In the mean time, I am happy to say we are surviving; and maybe even thriving.

Madelyn Update- 16 months

I have been terrible at blogging, but I have been AWESOME at spending all my spare non-working time with Maddy, or spending time with Ross, or even spending time on myself. It's been so nice!

In all that time, I have observed so many changes in my little girl that I haven't written down anywhere- so here it is:

Madelyn Kristine- 16 months

Stats:

Height: 30.6"

Weight: 21 lb 12 oz

Head Circ: 18.3"

Teeth-

OMG- teeth galore. I wish I could draw a teeth map on here. Hold on...

So...according to the map above, Maddy has all of her baby teeth except for a few. On the uppers, she is just missing 1 second molar and 1 canine. On the bottom, she is missing 2 second molars and 1 canine. its crazy train! She is eating bits of steak and finally figuring out how to chew stuff!

Words:

My analytical little girl says these words on a regular basis:

Hi-ee (Hi, waves too)

Bu-Byeee (bye bye, waves too)

Mow (meow- in response to when the cats meow)

Mama

Dadee

occasionally---

-"i-eet"- she points to lights and says this sometimes

-"bah-ool"- bottle

She is very, very social and loves to play with toys and other kids. She runs and loves to climb up and go down the slide at Clackamas Town Center.

On January 7, 2011; she had her first kiss on the lips from a boy.

My little girl is growing up so fast! :)

A Good Talk

I always like to be honest, candid, and real on my blog. I have always appreciated other's transparency and am completely bored by reading/hearing about how "perfect" life is. Don't get me wrong; there's nothing wrong with being happy and gushing about things to be happy about. But let's face it; sometimes I am so damn real/honest that this blog has become a big wah-fest. So I am going to talk about the good things that have happened this week:

1) I had a good, honest discussion with my husband about some not-so-easy-to-discuss-topics where there was no yelling, fighting, or storming off. We stayed calm, respectful, and open. As a result, he learned a lot of new things about me, and I was able to clearly explain myself to him. It turns out that you CAN be married to someone for 6+ years and not know everything about them! I can get into the topic another time, but one thing about me is that I require a lot of patience when I need to voice my feelings/opinions. Sometimes I get stressed about confrontation and spew out the first thing that comes to mind; which can be inappropriate, offensive, and not even close to what I mean to convey. I'm kind of a nut :)

2) shorter work week!

3) Madelyn now wraps her arms around my neck when I come home from work and goes in for a kiss. She will sometimes do this when I say, "Gimme a kiss!". Toddlers are amazing!

4) MY SISTER IS ENGAGED!!!!!!!! Her boyfriend of 6+ years proposed to her on Christmas Day.

5) Today I had an amazingly emotional day at work which involved making a positive connection and praying with a patient, acting quickly to resolve a life threatening drug reaction, and discussing care with another nurse on our patient who was actively in the process of dying. While this wasn't ALL positive, it was extremely fulfilling and reminds me that my job is never boring, and that what I do counts (which dramatically softens the blow of not being able to be at home with my daughter).

6) (starts out Negative but get positive, I swear) I had to go to the dentist at the end of last week because my recently filled tooth was so sensitive I couldn't drink cold beverages or chew on that side a month after the procedure. I was convinced the dentist had screwed up my tooth, but upon further examination, it was revealed that I am a night grinder (which sounds sexy and dirty, but unfortunately means I just nash my teeth together and clench my jaw when I sleep) which has irritated the root/nerve. I cried when she told me, which was totally inappropriate, and only because I was PMSing and feeling stressed about the fact that my own stress is ruining my teeth. Are you waiting for the positive part? I recognize my stress and hormonal mood swing PMS problem and plan on working on both of these issues. Stay tuned.

And God bless you in 2011!

Ding Bat

SO...I just went through my blog and realized I did 2, yes 2, 14 month updates for Maddy that say pretty much the same thing. I guess I wanted to make sure you all remembered that Maddy wears 6-12 month shirts and 18-24 month pants! Folks, thats pretty much me these days. I am overwhelmed and just hanging on for this chaotic journey that is my life as a full time working mom.

I am having a hard time delegating a lot of my responsibilities to Ross, because I like the way I do them better. Plus, it takes SO damn long to explain to him how to do it, and a lot of the times he messes it up. I'm not complaining about him; he has had his hands full with a teething girl, redoing our floors, and working on many other home improvement tasks. Ross is kicking but on doing "man jobs" and taking care of our daughter. Martha Stewart; he is not. And I need to STOP TRYING to be her, too.

I have about 5 sewing projects cut out and started but not yet sewn, piles of laundry stacking up, cloth diapers stinking up the spare bathroom, and a dining room table that is constantly covered with all the stuff you don't want to deal with finding a good spot for. Something has got to give! I struggle with asking Ross to do certain things, because I still want to do them. I obviously need to let go of the control and a) be okay to having a sometimes messy house b) have patience with Ross's "methods" and be realistic that he won't do things the same way I would; and be okay with that. I think my goal for this month is to delegate the cloth diaper care to Ross. Its not rocket science; but definitely requires the special soap and a method to keep the cloth clean and the covers in good shape. We just had to switch to disposables for night time; because nothing could contain that girl's urine. I mean, NOTHING. Well, nothing other than strapping a pillow between her legs; which is basically what TRIPLE stuffing the diaper pocket produced. My days from nurses training taught me that its not good to stuff too much around the skin; as the skin needs to breathe somehow. The disposables are working out well; and it definitely helped to just ignore any irrational guilt I had over not using cloth for bedtime (what's up with that anyway; that guilt? Where does it come from? I still blame it on my days of visiting TheBump and too much time on message boards among women who cast stones on anyone who would dare use a BabyBjorn instead of an Ergo or let their baby cry for 5 minutes).

It feels good to vent. I had a good conversation with my mother in law about how mothers can feel so overwhelmed and spread too thin with all their responsibilities, but the deep secret some of us don't admit is that we wouldn't want it any other way. I WANT a clean kitchen, home cooked meals, and laundry cleaned, folded, and put away. I want homemade Christmas cards with a family photo enclosed sent out sometime before January, and a decorated house. I want to spend every moment possible with my husband and daughter. I also take pride in providing a home, food, and medical/dental insurance for my family and taking care of patients who tell me how much they appreciate me every day. It is all so rewarding and all very, very good. I truly am so full of joy and blessings and happiness. I just need to work out a balance so that stress doesn't rear its ugly head and cast a fog over the happiness. Cause it definitely can do that.

In true Amy fashion, I am rambling. It is 1254 and I have to be at work at 8:15am. Maddy is going through a terrible phase of teething and fevers and keeps waking up wimpering in her sleep :( I am going to try to sleep while I can!