"So How Do You Spend Your Days Now?"

2 weeks ago my [former] co-workers had a little hootn'anny and also recognized my leaving the company after almost 4 years there.

Yes, folks, right now; for the first time in my life, I am a stay at home mom* (!!!)

A question that was asked twice was not only the title of this post, but I feel was also a sincere curiosity of what Amy does when she's not giving chemotherapy, starting IV's, and answering endless questions about nausea, vomiting, and constipation. The answer I gave to my co-workers was not well thought out and I fear was a little laced with a need to justify myself. From the moment I decided to be a stay at home mom, I worried what my co workers would think. How silly is that? Very. Very silly, I tell you.  The answer I gave was along the lines of:

"Caring for an infant and 2 year old, changing diapers, potty training Maddy, cooking, cleaning, play dates, running...the list goes on".

I wish I would have just simply said:
"Caring for my family and raising my kids."
PERIOD. No need to justify.

So really, what am I doing now? Okay, I'll tell you:

Caring for and raising a strong willed, beautiful, intelligent 2.5 year old girl and learning how to overcome her attitude and behavioral issues while bringing out the many positive attributes of her personality and spirit; while making sure she knows how loved she is.
Breastfeeding, changing diapers, troubleshooting, and snuggling a squishy 90th percentile 3 month old baby who is a mini version of my husband and father (seriously, how lucky am I?)
Loving and caring for my husband; who works hard to provide for our family and loves us on a very large scale.
Keeping our home clean* and providing nourishing and healthful meals.
Strengthening my friendships and connecting with other moms who give me support and build me up on difficult days
Exercising and becoming stronger and more healthy
Growing closer to the Lord.
Getting a hold of my anxiety and stress issues and working through them on tough days without relying on sugar or a big glass of wine after 4 pm (how I "got through" a very tough month, but am not wanting to continue that); but relying on prayer (and a double jogging stroller and a C25K program) and faith in myself with the strength the Lord gives me. Whew, that was a mouthful.
Simplifying our lives and learning how to stop being a slave to money and material possessions.
Cleaning and ridding our lives of clutter and excess.
Feeding our family mostly all natural, unprocessed whole foods on $400 or less a month (we cut our income in half and are still managing to pay all our bills without living paycheck to paycheck simply by cutting back, cooking and baking more,  and couponing ;)
Doing cloth diaper laundry (plus laundry for 4 people)
Planting a garden (we set up a 4'x8' planter box and are growing some of our own stuff)
Using a skin care regimen and caring for my body and face
Shaving my legs (I had to add in the last two, because I am sad to say I used to be so overwhelmed by all the stuff in my life that I never actually took care of these things enough)
Finally as of this moment? Documenting our lives in my blog.

So there you have it. I think I am spending my time responsibly and joyfully. By the way, I am not writing this out to justify anything; but more to share with my readers (anybody?anybody?) what my life consists of at this point in my life. It is a far cry from the woman I was 6 months ago. I have experienced so much spiritual and emotional growth and happiness that I can't even describe. I could write forever and ever on this subject, but I am going to go spend some QT with the hubs.

*I am in the process of finding a new job with the IV therapy team at a nearby hospital who is interested in my skill set. I am looking for a 12/hr a week gig that will allow my children to be under the car of their daddy or grandma while I am there. I financially and emotionally can't do daycare right now. The position isn't even created yet, so I likely won't start working for a while still. I'm happy with that. I am enjoying being strictly a SAHM for a season of my life, but I do still have a passion for being a nurse and will not give up all the hard work I did to become a nurse.

Ezra's Story

About 10 months ago, I was going to be the head nurse for a new oncology and hematology clinic opening up within a certain large health corporation. I was going to be the only nurse working in the small clinic; mixing chemotherapy, caring for patients, giving treatments, and introducing a new doctor to the company. Unfortunately, the start of this path coincided with our plans of trying to conceive our second child. When you are pregnant or trying to conceive, you cannot mix chemotherapy. After two weeks of trying to conceive, we decided we should put off our plans to conceive until the clinic was up and running and required a second RN so that I could still take advantage of the career opportunity ahead of me. I remember the conversation with my manager about giving up the position because we were trying to conceive; then 2 weeks later telling her that we were waiting, so I could take to position after all. Our conversation ended with me saying, "So we decided we're not ready for another baby yet. So I CAN mix chemo. Unless, if by some chance I'm pregnant now...in which case, [looking down at belly] um, I still love and want you, baby!".

2 weeks later, I had an unexpected positive pregnancy test. We were surprised, but excited. This baby was obviously meant to be in our lives at that time. I was pretty bummed about giving up my career opportunity, but I have always loved being a mother more than my job, so it wasn't too big of a deal to me.

A week later, I had bright red bleeding. Terrified, I called my OB's office and the nurse warned me that I was likely having a miscarriage; due to my symptoms. She advised that I just "wait it out, because it was so early on and and before First Response tests were invented, women often didn't even know they were pregnant and just thought their period was late." Or I could come in for an ultrasound "just for my peace of mind". Of course I opted for the appointment.

Suddenly the baby we weren't sure we were ready for was all that mattered. I was seen by my OB's partner who identified the "pregnancy" on the ultrasound (she actually made a point to correct me when I called it a baby) and said my uterus was full of blood and there was a 50% chance of miscarriage. She said, "I'm sorry, but you'll just have to wait it out. But I wouldn't get attached if I were you."

Even though her words were in no way reassuring, I felt confident when I saw the little blob on the screen was going to be okay. A week later I was blessed(?) with the worst fatigue and nausea I could ever imagine. I KNEW things were okay at that point.

I continued to have to worst pregnancy symptoms up until about 17-18 weeks when we found out we were having a boy! The rest of the pregnancy went great. I even made it to the gym up to 37 weeks. At 38 weeks, I gave birth to our sweet Ezra James- weighing in at 7lbs 2 oz 18.5" long.

To be continued: Ezra's Birth Story

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Quick Stats: December 9, 2011

Pregnancy and baby boy:

I had my 28 week appointment today! Baby is healthy, and for the most part, so am I.

I failed my 1 hour glucose tolerance test again (just like with Maddy) but thankfully my OB is a very reasonable man and we agreed that if I took the grueling 3-hour test it would turn out similarly to the last one: sitting in a lab for >3 hours, me vomiting up the nasty drink; or keeping it down but then almost having a hypoglycemic emergency cause my body just doesn't handle large doses of sugar/carbs well. We settled on a plan of skipping that nonsense and me cutting way back on carbs/sugar and agreeing to exercise more. Done.

Weight: +20 lbs from pre-pregnancy weight. Not bad

Symptoms: ugh. Poor bladder control when sneezing, and other unpleasantness "down there". HUGE boobs. Way bigger than last time. Come to think of it, they may be responsible for at least half of the weight gain...

I'm having a lot of hip and lower back pain, but otherwise feel pretty great! I am thankful that I should be able to stay pretty active until delivery day; Lord willing everything continues to go well and without complication.

Baby Stats (approximate): Per ultrasound; baby boy Lumsden weighs about 2 lb13oz! Dr. T. said he is healthy and strong. He opened his eyes and it felt like he was looking right at me on the screen; I felt like I was on another planet; it was so unreal. I can't wait to meet and hold him. He currently is transverse; with his feet on my right side. He just LOVES kicking/dancing on my ribs, and those must be little hands/elbows that tippity tap on my bladder.

Name: Undecided; we have it narrowed down to 3 so far but have decided to meet him before deciding for sure.

Maddy

Oh, Maddy. This girl amazes me every day. I have never enjoyed being a mother more than I do now. I don't know if I just enjoy a 2 year old more, or if this parenting thing just gets better with time and experience. She does new things every day.

Words/Personality- Today she pulled out "I am a Bunny", opened it up, and started to "read it". I know she wasn't actually reading it, but she would say, "I am bunny. My name is Nicolas. I live in hollow tree"; turn the page, and then continue saying the correct words that corresponded with the pages. She is also becoming more and more attached to Ross and I; and showing and verbalizing her affection. She tells us she loves us often; and says her own prayers every night. She likes to say, "Thank you, Jesus, for mommy and daddy's jobs, cars, and baby brudder in mamma's tummy". She can now count to twenty (except for she skips 18 and says 19 twice. She used to skip 8 too!). She loves her friends and is still very social. I love watching her interact with other kids; she's really considerate and kind to them. UNLESS, she is playing with my smart phone.

With such an active mind comes a few challenges. She does not nap most days; and even if she does it isn't until 4pm and its because I make her go in her room because she's getting too emotional and dramatic. If I can make it through the day without her napping, then she typically goes down for bed okay and sleeps until 8am or so.

Potty Training? Yeah, no. Here's how most of our potty conversations go:

Me: "Momma's going potty"

Maddy: *runs into bathroom and demands* "I wanna go potty TOO!"

Me: "Great! You can use your special pink potty"

Maddy: "NO!"

Me: "Okay, how about the white one?"

Maddy: "NO! I don't WANNA go potty!"

I don't get it, but I don't want to push it yet. I am not looking forward to having 2 kids in cloth diapers, but what are you gonna do?

Oh, and as for Ross and I? We are BUSY. He is working full time and I am working 24 hrs/week. We continue to be involved in our church. We are grateful for our friends and family; we are extremely blessed in that area. We get so much love and support from them. I am so happy that Maddy has great relationships with her grandparents, aunties, and uncles.

We have made some changes recently with trying to live more simply, responsibly, and faithfully with our finances. It has been a huge positive change in our lives and I am excited about how the next few years goes as our family goes through more changes as well!

Okay....I feel like I just wrote a generic Christmas letter. How fitting; since I decided not to even try to attempt to send out Christmas cards this year (I always fail).

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

A Mother's Dillemma

Well I have some good news and bad news. First the good news:

As I typed in the Blogger website after deciding to write this post, I realized; "I blog a lot more when I am facing a challenge in my life or things aren't going the way I want them to". I am not very good at documenting my happiness; I just enjoy it, or am too busy to think about it. So since I haven't been a good blogger, then its a safe assumption that things have been going very well for us!

When I have a matter that causes unrest in my soul, it is constantly on my mind and heart. I think about it, pray about it, and talk to any loving and patient friend who will listen. I am an over-thinker, so that naturally spills over into my blog.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have struggled with being a working mom. When Ross was unemployed, I just didn't have a choice so it was what I had to do despite my wants and desires to stay at home with my baby. Now, I consider my pay and benefits for even just working part-time too much of a blessing to give up. Not to mention the rewards of my career. I am good at what I do and feel valued by the doctors I work with and my patients. It can be very satisfying.

But no amount of money and praise is as satisfying as sitting here with a cute 2 year old with her cheek on my arm. Making pancakes (or just cereal) and coffee in the morning and kissing my sweet husband before he goes to work and then being in a good mood when he comes home with dinner made feels great too. In approximately 4 months, I'll be cradling a new pile of moosh who will want my boobs and my arms as much as he can get them. And lets not forget his sweet sister. The thought of leaving a a 3 month old baby AND Maddy to go back to work (even 3 days a week) sends a panicky feeling through my body. Ross and I have been contemplating what we are going to do when that time comes; but naturally we have been putting it off. Its too hard to think about and I'm scared to choose between my (part-time) career and my family. [not saying that moms who work choose their career over their family--- this is particular to me. I am not good at doing both; I was not made that way].

I am in awe of some of my co workers who work 4-5 days a week with little ones and seem to rock it (I've reference this thought/envy in a previous blog). Seeing them makes me feel guilty and like I should just suck it up and work without complaining. But every morning I leave for work, saying goodbye to my daughter just feels painful and unnatural. Even though I completely trust my mother in law(1 day/week) and Maddy's babysitter(2 days/week) I still HATE it. At the top of my "selfish me"prayer list has been asking God for help and peace with making a decision about what to do about work once junior arrives.

2 nights ago I read a letter from our babysitter, "G" letting us know that she wouldn't be providing childcare anymore as of December 1st. I don't know if I was able to tell you about G, but I found her because my good friend "J" has been taking her daughter (and Maddy's buddy) B there for 2 years. I would normally never feel comfortable taking Maddy to a day care, but I knew how much J loved and trusted her; and when I met her I felt instantly at ease and even learned that we go to the same church. The fact that G lives up the street from us made it even better. And I don't even know if you would call it a "Day Care" because she is usually just watching Maddy and B, and Maddy LOVES it. I felt like it was the best possible situation I could have for having to use a day care/babysitter. But this option is leaving us shortly, and we have some choices to make.

Have you ever had a moment when you KNOW what you're supposed to do, without a doubt? When God (or Whomever you believe in, to be fair) speaks to you, telling you what you need to do and you can't deny it? I have only had this happen to me a handful of times; and its extremely convicting and powerful. I have probably cried 8 times in the past 24 hours; because its so overwhelming and I know I can't put this off anymore. I asked for guidance and help making a decision; and I got my answer. I tried to work around it and started searching for day care options/nannies in my area but again this just evoked fear and discomfort and reduced me to tears again. Its not right. Not for us at least.

In the mean time, Ross needs to hammer out a few details with his job. His job still isn't as stable as mine, so relying on his income would be taking a huge leap of faith. He is going to see if he can work a couple evenings a week so he can watch Maddy during the day while I work. For now, we still need my benefits for my OB visits and the baby's arrival. After that, it will be interesting to see how things work out. We have had enough road bumps that we are not too naive to realize that Ross could lose his job at any point, and this could change our plans around again. I am excited to see where our faith and reliance takes us.

* Oh yeah, by the way....ITS A BOY!!!!!! A sweet kicky dancy active little boy. I was told I have an anterior placenta so I won't feel the baby very much, but I felt him early on and some days I want him to even settle down a bit because there's too much of a party in my tummy!

Confessions

Sometimes I feel like the least put-together person ever. I can allow myself to spiral into feeling guilty about some of these things and believing that I'm not good enough. Thankfully, I have enough faith in myself to brush off those feelings and know that I'm doing fine- just fine. The expectations I hold myself to aren't fair to me, and the people I think are so much better than me have flaws and struggles of their own that obviously I don't know about. Why don't I know about them? Because my reference point is Facebook- where everyone puts their best face forward. Where people actually post pictures that are, like, 5 years old because they don't like the way they look now (seriously- I saw someone use their high school senior photo as their profile pic.)

It is my belief that working moms (part-time or full) other than me are waking up before their kids and showering, doing hair and make-up, and putting on a cute outfit. Then they wake up their kid(s), get them ready, feed them, take them to day care, get to work on time, work, pick kids up, come home (OR actually attend sporting events or PTA meetings) make dinner, feed kids, go to bed, and do it all over again. I am in awe of these women, and have no idea how they do it.

I hit the snooze button until 7-7:15 even though Maddy wakes up at 7:30. I have to drop her off at the baby sitters by 8:15 and be at work by 8:30. I quickly shower and then walk in to greet my sweet girl (if my husband hasn't already done it). I set her on the bed and she gets to watch 1 episode of Yo Gabba Gabba while I get dressed in scrub pants or whatever still fits these days. I put on face lotion and start the make-up process (aka- masking my splotchy complexion and dark under eye circles). Maddy is so stinking cute that I get distracted and often will sing and dance with her, so I rarely actually put on any makeup before I leave the house. I get her dressed and grab her milk and some dry cereal to snack on in the car(she eats breakfast at the babysitters). I drop her off between 8:05-8:10. From 8:15-8:25 I am often going through the coffee drive through on the way to work and putting on eyeshadow, mascara, and blush while they make my order. I arrive to work 4-7 minutes late with damp hair, or dirty hair pulled back in a pony tail. I eat my breakfast at my desk while I prepare for the day. Depending on how my morning went, I may just now be throwing on some mascara and concealer at my desk and calling it good. Some mornings, I have even been known to brush my teeth in the bathroom just before I greet my first patient.

These days, after work I just come home and lay on the couch while I talk to Maddy about all the toys she brings me. We discuss animals and sounds, letters, etc. Then, if my family is lucky, I make dinner. Otherwise I call Ross and beg him to bring something home. He always does, or offers to make something.

I keep making comments like, "These days...." because I am now 12.5 weeks pregnant with baby #2. I am even more blah and less pulled together"these days" and struggle with it. I don't know where I got my vision of how I'm supposed to be, but I'm trying to figure out if that's realistic for me; or fair for me to expect. I think the reality is that being a mom is not always easy and pretty; working full time, part time, or stay at home. It is my belief that there are separate but equal struggles with all. So how do some women make it look so damn glamorous and even effortless? HOW?!?

In other news: Baby #2 is healthy so far. My nausea is FINALLY starting to fade (it was way worse this time than it was with Madelyn) and some energy is returning. Maddy kisses my belly several times a day; and says "baby" as she pats and rubs it. Not convinced she really gets what's going on, because sometimes she does this while patting my boob, or Ross's belly. We think its a boy- but that's just a hunch.