Dear Baby

I just found this in my drafts and wanted to share this. In the first week after we found out we were pregnant with Ezra, we had a miscarriage scare. I discovered bright red bleeding. The OB (not my OB, another doctor) told me that there was a 50% chance of the "pregnancy" surviving and that I shouldn't get attached. That was my Ezzie in there, and I'm so thankful he is sleeping upstairs right now:

7/6/2011- You certainly have your mom worried right now. I am waiting to see the doctor, because we are scared we might be losing you. Keep in mind, your mom has a problem with excessive worrying, but the bleeding is not helping one bit. I know that miscarriages are very common this early; but I feel like I just got comfortable with the idea of you sticking around for almost 8 more months, and I REALLY was looking forward to holding you next March. Daddy is at work, your sister is at the babysitters, and I am here praying that everything is okay. God has already decided the plan for your life, and He knows what the outcome of this will be.


I wrote this after I had gotten home from my OB appointment that was not reassuring at all. I remember seeing the little sac on the ultrasound, and even though the doctor was cold and emotionless as she told me my uterus was full of blood and that the "pregnancy" may detach (she refused to call it a baby and corrected me when I called it a baby); I had a feeling you were okay. And here you are- such a blessing and joy in my life.

Love,
Mom

Easy Ezzie: The Birth Story

Don't hate me because I have easy labor/deliveries.

Friday 2/17/12- 37 weeks/6 days
I was down to working 2 days/week and had worked the day before. I had my 38 week appointment that afternoon. The previous week I was 3cm dilated. Dr. Tan told me I was 5.5cm dilated and he could palpate mild contractions. I had no idea what he was talking about; as I didn't feel anything. He tried to have me press on my abdomen when a contraction came so I could see what it felt like. I lied and said, "Oh yeah, I can feel that". He then stripped my membranes which caused me to almost pass out. Thank God little Maddy sat on a chair about a foot away from me happily typing away on her V-Tech Innotab tablet; she usually panics when I get my temperature taken.

After my episode faded away, I was feeling a little better and not so freaked out and worried I would go into labor right there. He teetered back and forth but ultimately decided to let me go home; with his private pager number written down with the instructions: "As soon as YOU feel a contraction, or your water breaks, just go straight to the hospital and page me on your way there."

That evening we had pizza with our neighbor friends Chris and Jodi. We then split off (as usual) with the boys going to their house to play video games and the girls staying at our place. As we chatted I felt what I thought were contractions. They came in waves like contractions, but were only mildly uncomfortable. If I wasn't 38 weeks pregnant, I probably would have ignored them. But given the circumstances; we timed them and they were about 7 minutes apart. Hmm.

It was 10:30pm. I contemplated going to the hospital, but Jodi encouraged me to go to bed and sleep. I am SO glad I did...

Saturday 2/18/12- 38 weeks

5:37am- Ouch. Okay THAT was a contraction, and it woke me up. (sound familiar? ;) I nudged Ross and said, "time to get ready, here he comes".

5:42am- Another contraction, and dammit its really starting to hurt. Let's go.  "I think we should go now; call your mom and I'll call Jodi (Ross's parents live 20 min away, so we worked out a plan to have Jodi come to our house immediately so we could go straight to the hospital, and stayed there with Maddy until Ross's mom got there).


6:00am- Longer, stronger, closer together. As soon as Jodi gets there we hop in the car. I page Dr. Tan; he calls within 3 minutes. He is seriously the best doctor ever.


6:15am- @ the hospital. "Dr. Tan called us and we're ready for you." They offered me a wheelchair, but I declined because I remembered it was harder to sit still while contracting. She offered to escort us to the maternity ward, but we said we knew where it was. WELL, we forgot, so we wandered the halls a little bit. Silly, silly Lumsdens. 


6:30am- Did I mention my water still hadn't broken? Well it didn't. The nurses told me that Dr. Tan gave them strict instructions "not to touch me; just get my IV started and then he would come in and check me". I could tell the gal was nervous, and she blew my gigantic hand vein on her first try. Even with the contractions, I tried to boost her morale and confidence, because starting IV's is about 50 % skill and 50% confidence. She missed the other hand. I showed her my beautiful forearm vein, and she told me it had "too many valves", and proceeded to explain what valves were to me. As an IV nurse; I had to bite my tounge REALLY really hard. Dr. Tan poked his head in a couple times; looking a bit annoyed. I allowed them to poke me again which was another fail. Then I got impatient and started giving them tips (in between contractions) and pointed out good veins. Even in the transition stage of labor, I proved to be my usual neurotic awkward self by fearing that the nurses would think I was a drug addict because I was pointing out all my "good veins" and what kind of person does drugs when she's pregnant? So I finally told her I was an IV nurse. This was probably a good thing, because then they got all squiggly and grabbed their supervisor to start the darn thing. She was successful.

7:00am-7:15am- Dr Tan checks me and I'm 9-9.5 cm but my water still hadn't broken. He wants to give me a bit more time. Pain meds are offered but refused. I took a shot of Fentanyl when delivering Maddy and I don't think it helped at all, so why bother? The nurse told me that if I felt the urge to push or bear down, then I need to tell her because then she would get Dr. Tan and I could start pushing. I lied and told her I felt it, because I just wanted my baby to be born and the painful contractions to be over with

7:30am- Dr. Tan offers to break my water, and I'm whining because I want anything that will help me deliver the baby faster. He breaks it and I feel the warm gush which was SO weird. Not like peeing your pants; like a warm waterfall (sorry). My water broke in small spurts with Maddy, so I had never felt that before. Then I got to start pushing.

7:54am- Ezra James is born and immediately placed on my chest. My first thought was how adorable and perfect he was; but how crazy that he didn't look a thing like my Maddy did when she first came out. They offered both Ross and I to cut the cord and we both declined. We're not all symbolic like that; we just wanted to marvel at our new baby boy (who's name was actually not decided at the time).

Delivering the placenta was a tad more uncomfortable than I had remembered, but not too bad. The after pains when nursing were worse this time around, but the ibuprofen helped a lot. Ezra took to nursing immediately with a great latch. If you are a faithful reader of my blog, you will remember my documentation of what a horrible time we had getting Maddy to latch. He was pretty textbook and wanted to eat about every 2-2.5 hours.

I don't think I lost very much blood, because 2 hours after delivering him I got out of bed, showered, put on makeup (visitors were coming) and even curled my hair a bit. I was SO excited when Maddy arrived and cautiously and bashfully climbed into bed with me and met her new baby brother. I had missed her. As I cradled my new baby boy with one arm and cuddled Maddy with the other, I felt like my family was complete. It was such an amazing feeling.

Ross and I decided that he would go home with Maddy and stay overnight with her so she wouldn't have to go through too many changes all at once (I was so troubled about how she would handle the new baby and all the changes). It got a bit lonely spending the night in the hospital without Ross, but I enjoyed getting to bond with my baby boy. He stayed in the room with me all night; except for the 30 minutes when they did his hearing test.

The next morning he had his pediatrician exam before his circumcision. Ezra had a strong latch and nursed for at least 30-45 min at a time, so I asked if it was okay to give him a pacifier. I could already tell he was a comfort sucker/nurser and I would have to end the nursing sessions myself because he just wouldn't stop. My nurse and the doctor were both supportive of it, so we went ahead with it.  When it was time for the circ, they asked if Ross and I wanted to go with him but we both declined. Having our boy leave the room to have "surgery" was surprisingly difficult. Ross couldn't stand it, so he left to go be with him.


I will NEVER forget the feeling I had when they brought my baby boy back in the room. They had been gone for a half an hour and I was starting to worry a bit. I remember it was about that time that they wheeled my sweet boy back in the room in his little clear bassinet. I had envisioned a baby who had just been circumcised would be screaming and wailing, but my little guy laid their happily sucking on his pacifier like nothing had happened. He just looked so sweet and completely took my heart. We went home 2 hours later. 


We picked the name Ezra after reading Maddy one of her favorite books by Ezra Jack Keats; "Snowy Day". It was such a special book at that time, as it always made her so happy when we read it. The rest is history.  We call him Easy Ezzie because he is such a sweet, happy, gentle baby. 


At 4 months old now, Ezra wears 9-12 month clothing and is still as sweet as can be. He and Maddy get along just great and she loves entertaining and holding him. I'm not saying that its easy managing 2 little kids, but at this point they bring me so much joy that I don't even care about the challenges. 

"So How Do You Spend Your Days Now?"

2 weeks ago my [former] co-workers had a little hootn'anny and also recognized my leaving the company after almost 4 years there.

Yes, folks, right now; for the first time in my life, I am a stay at home mom* (!!!)

A question that was asked twice was not only the title of this post, but I feel was also a sincere curiosity of what Amy does when she's not giving chemotherapy, starting IV's, and answering endless questions about nausea, vomiting, and constipation. The answer I gave to my co-workers was not well thought out and I fear was a little laced with a need to justify myself. From the moment I decided to be a stay at home mom, I worried what my co workers would think. How silly is that? Very. Very silly, I tell you.  The answer I gave was along the lines of:

"Caring for an infant and 2 year old, changing diapers, potty training Maddy, cooking, cleaning, play dates, running...the list goes on".

I wish I would have just simply said:
"Caring for my family and raising my kids."
PERIOD. No need to justify.

So really, what am I doing now? Okay, I'll tell you:

Caring for and raising a strong willed, beautiful, intelligent 2.5 year old girl and learning how to overcome her attitude and behavioral issues while bringing out the many positive attributes of her personality and spirit; while making sure she knows how loved she is.
Breastfeeding, changing diapers, troubleshooting, and snuggling a squishy 90th percentile 3 month old baby who is a mini version of my husband and father (seriously, how lucky am I?)
Loving and caring for my husband; who works hard to provide for our family and loves us on a very large scale.
Keeping our home clean* and providing nourishing and healthful meals.
Strengthening my friendships and connecting with other moms who give me support and build me up on difficult days
Exercising and becoming stronger and more healthy
Growing closer to the Lord.
Getting a hold of my anxiety and stress issues and working through them on tough days without relying on sugar or a big glass of wine after 4 pm (how I "got through" a very tough month, but am not wanting to continue that); but relying on prayer (and a double jogging stroller and a C25K program) and faith in myself with the strength the Lord gives me. Whew, that was a mouthful.
Simplifying our lives and learning how to stop being a slave to money and material possessions.
Cleaning and ridding our lives of clutter and excess.
Feeding our family mostly all natural, unprocessed whole foods on $400 or less a month (we cut our income in half and are still managing to pay all our bills without living paycheck to paycheck simply by cutting back, cooking and baking more,  and couponing ;)
Doing cloth diaper laundry (plus laundry for 4 people)
Planting a garden (we set up a 4'x8' planter box and are growing some of our own stuff)
Using a skin care regimen and caring for my body and face
Shaving my legs (I had to add in the last two, because I am sad to say I used to be so overwhelmed by all the stuff in my life that I never actually took care of these things enough)
Finally as of this moment? Documenting our lives in my blog.

So there you have it. I think I am spending my time responsibly and joyfully. By the way, I am not writing this out to justify anything; but more to share with my readers (anybody?anybody?) what my life consists of at this point in my life. It is a far cry from the woman I was 6 months ago. I have experienced so much spiritual and emotional growth and happiness that I can't even describe. I could write forever and ever on this subject, but I am going to go spend some QT with the hubs.

*I am in the process of finding a new job with the IV therapy team at a nearby hospital who is interested in my skill set. I am looking for a 12/hr a week gig that will allow my children to be under the car of their daddy or grandma while I am there. I financially and emotionally can't do daycare right now. The position isn't even created yet, so I likely won't start working for a while still. I'm happy with that. I am enjoying being strictly a SAHM for a season of my life, but I do still have a passion for being a nurse and will not give up all the hard work I did to become a nurse.

Ezra's Story

About 10 months ago, I was going to be the head nurse for a new oncology and hematology clinic opening up within a certain large health corporation. I was going to be the only nurse working in the small clinic; mixing chemotherapy, caring for patients, giving treatments, and introducing a new doctor to the company. Unfortunately, the start of this path coincided with our plans of trying to conceive our second child. When you are pregnant or trying to conceive, you cannot mix chemotherapy. After two weeks of trying to conceive, we decided we should put off our plans to conceive until the clinic was up and running and required a second RN so that I could still take advantage of the career opportunity ahead of me. I remember the conversation with my manager about giving up the position because we were trying to conceive; then 2 weeks later telling her that we were waiting, so I could take to position after all. Our conversation ended with me saying, "So we decided we're not ready for another baby yet. So I CAN mix chemo. Unless, if by some chance I'm pregnant now...in which case, [looking down at belly] um, I still love and want you, baby!".

2 weeks later, I had an unexpected positive pregnancy test. We were surprised, but excited. This baby was obviously meant to be in our lives at that time. I was pretty bummed about giving up my career opportunity, but I have always loved being a mother more than my job, so it wasn't too big of a deal to me.

A week later, I had bright red bleeding. Terrified, I called my OB's office and the nurse warned me that I was likely having a miscarriage; due to my symptoms. She advised that I just "wait it out, because it was so early on and and before First Response tests were invented, women often didn't even know they were pregnant and just thought their period was late." Or I could come in for an ultrasound "just for my peace of mind". Of course I opted for the appointment.

Suddenly the baby we weren't sure we were ready for was all that mattered. I was seen by my OB's partner who identified the "pregnancy" on the ultrasound (she actually made a point to correct me when I called it a baby) and said my uterus was full of blood and there was a 50% chance of miscarriage. She said, "I'm sorry, but you'll just have to wait it out. But I wouldn't get attached if I were you."

Even though her words were in no way reassuring, I felt confident when I saw the little blob on the screen was going to be okay. A week later I was blessed(?) with the worst fatigue and nausea I could ever imagine. I KNEW things were okay at that point.

I continued to have to worst pregnancy symptoms up until about 17-18 weeks when we found out we were having a boy! The rest of the pregnancy went great. I even made it to the gym up to 37 weeks. At 38 weeks, I gave birth to our sweet Ezra James- weighing in at 7lbs 2 oz 18.5" long.

To be continued: Ezra's Birth Story

Stationery card

Framed With Color Birth Announcement

Personalize your announcements with Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

Stationery card

Framed With Color Birth Announcement

Create photo birth announcements by Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

Quick Stats: December 9, 2011

Pregnancy and baby boy:

I had my 28 week appointment today! Baby is healthy, and for the most part, so am I.

I failed my 1 hour glucose tolerance test again (just like with Maddy) but thankfully my OB is a very reasonable man and we agreed that if I took the grueling 3-hour test it would turn out similarly to the last one: sitting in a lab for >3 hours, me vomiting up the nasty drink; or keeping it down but then almost having a hypoglycemic emergency cause my body just doesn't handle large doses of sugar/carbs well. We settled on a plan of skipping that nonsense and me cutting way back on carbs/sugar and agreeing to exercise more. Done.

Weight: +20 lbs from pre-pregnancy weight. Not bad

Symptoms: ugh. Poor bladder control when sneezing, and other unpleasantness "down there". HUGE boobs. Way bigger than last time. Come to think of it, they may be responsible for at least half of the weight gain...

I'm having a lot of hip and lower back pain, but otherwise feel pretty great! I am thankful that I should be able to stay pretty active until delivery day; Lord willing everything continues to go well and without complication.

Baby Stats (approximate): Per ultrasound; baby boy Lumsden weighs about 2 lb13oz! Dr. T. said he is healthy and strong. He opened his eyes and it felt like he was looking right at me on the screen; I felt like I was on another planet; it was so unreal. I can't wait to meet and hold him. He currently is transverse; with his feet on my right side. He just LOVES kicking/dancing on my ribs, and those must be little hands/elbows that tippity tap on my bladder.

Name: Undecided; we have it narrowed down to 3 so far but have decided to meet him before deciding for sure.

Maddy

Oh, Maddy. This girl amazes me every day. I have never enjoyed being a mother more than I do now. I don't know if I just enjoy a 2 year old more, or if this parenting thing just gets better with time and experience. She does new things every day.

Words/Personality- Today she pulled out "I am a Bunny", opened it up, and started to "read it". I know she wasn't actually reading it, but she would say, "I am bunny. My name is Nicolas. I live in hollow tree"; turn the page, and then continue saying the correct words that corresponded with the pages. She is also becoming more and more attached to Ross and I; and showing and verbalizing her affection. She tells us she loves us often; and says her own prayers every night. She likes to say, "Thank you, Jesus, for mommy and daddy's jobs, cars, and baby brudder in mamma's tummy". She can now count to twenty (except for she skips 18 and says 19 twice. She used to skip 8 too!). She loves her friends and is still very social. I love watching her interact with other kids; she's really considerate and kind to them. UNLESS, she is playing with my smart phone.

With such an active mind comes a few challenges. She does not nap most days; and even if she does it isn't until 4pm and its because I make her go in her room because she's getting too emotional and dramatic. If I can make it through the day without her napping, then she typically goes down for bed okay and sleeps until 8am or so.

Potty Training? Yeah, no. Here's how most of our potty conversations go:

Me: "Momma's going potty"

Maddy: *runs into bathroom and demands* "I wanna go potty TOO!"

Me: "Great! You can use your special pink potty"

Maddy: "NO!"

Me: "Okay, how about the white one?"

Maddy: "NO! I don't WANNA go potty!"

I don't get it, but I don't want to push it yet. I am not looking forward to having 2 kids in cloth diapers, but what are you gonna do?

Oh, and as for Ross and I? We are BUSY. He is working full time and I am working 24 hrs/week. We continue to be involved in our church. We are grateful for our friends and family; we are extremely blessed in that area. We get so much love and support from them. I am so happy that Maddy has great relationships with her grandparents, aunties, and uncles.

We have made some changes recently with trying to live more simply, responsibly, and faithfully with our finances. It has been a huge positive change in our lives and I am excited about how the next few years goes as our family goes through more changes as well!

Okay....I feel like I just wrote a generic Christmas letter. How fitting; since I decided not to even try to attempt to send out Christmas cards this year (I always fail).

Merry Christmas everyone!!!