"You Take the Good, You Take the Bad..."

*warning* Please don't read this if you are offended by fowl language. I usually don't swear, but when I am very upset or fired up, its just what comes out. Also, I did try substituing "booty" and "poo", but it just didn't work. I am an angry woman this morning, so swearing is what you get. Sorry in advance!

Madelyn Kristine is 9 months old today.

The Good (what people WANT to hear):
-Maddy says "doot" in the most adorable little voice. Its similar to baby brother Ike on South Park.
-She also says "nah nah", and appears to say this when she's hungry. Our first way to communicate verbally!
-She has started waving, which is the cutest thing ever.
She loves FOOD, and i love that its so much easier to feed her these days. I love how we can go to Sweet Tomatoes and feed her a baked potato with chicken, cheese, and veggie soup on top (instead of salsa). By the way, thats us having mercy on other couples who want to have a night out w/o hearing a loud baby in the next booth, so we now do our "fine dining" at a family friendly buffet.

The BAD. And the UGLY.
* this story will take long to tell, because I like to go on tangents

The 9 month mark has proven to be THE most difficult in bed time. That's right, more difficult than her Midnight Maddness routine she did from birth to 8 weeks (well...maybe not that bad, but at least then I was on maternity leave and my only responsibility was to care for new baby). Yesterday, work was VERY busy. One of thoes go-go-go days. Don't get me wrong, I actually love being busy, as it makes the time pass quicker. But by 6pm when I got home, I wanted to do nothing else but relax with my family. And to be honest, we did that.

[note]Maddy is in the process of *maybe* dropping down to one nap, because nap time has been a crap fest lately (more on that later). So we are still working out the kinks to find what works best for all of us.

At 7:30 or so, I started the "go down for bed routine". We usually start this at 7 or earler, but she had taken a long afternoon nap. She wasn't acting tired yet, but I knew the bath would wind her down. And it did. She was yawning and rubbing her eyes by the time I turned on her musical bear and settled down to nurse and bottle feed her (yep, we do both at night. Mama doesn't make enough milk for her big eater any more, but she's not ready to throw in the fancy printed nursing cover towel yet). As usual, "story time" consisted of me opening up "Runaway Bunny" to the picture pages only. She gets inpatient when I read her the story, because the pages with the words are black and white. So, since story time is NOT suppose to make baby cry, we just look at pictures now.

Anyhoo, she nursed, then drank 2 oz or so of formula before she yanked herself away and smacked her lips for a minute. She looked up and me, and then the eyes started to close. She drifted asleep in my arms. Sometimes I continue to rock her for a while, but I read "No Cry Sleep Solution" which tells you to set them in the crib when they are not quite all the way asleep, but almost there ("awake but drowsy" they say, except for Maddy was hardly awake"). Well, no matter how gently I do it, when my daughter's head hits the mattress, an sensor goes off in her head, telling her to wake up. So within seconds of setting her down (after the WHOLE bedtime routine) her eyes literally spring open, she smiles, and starts to kick. Not wanting to excite her, I slowly creep away in hopes that she will fall back asleep since she was TOTALLY ASLEEP. I didn't hear her cry, so I figured I had succeeded and was about to proceed with my evening of having a beer with the hubs and watch a movie. That quickly vanished as Ross came in to tell me she was crying. I walked back to her room, and oops. Yeah, appearantly the minute after I left she unleashed the biggest rampage ever. In a few short minutes, she had protested my setting her down by crying SO HARD that she vomited in her crib. NICE.

Plan B to a relaxing evening: Ross soothes the daughter while I change her bedding in the dark, so as not to excite her anymore. I then took over (my choice) and rocked her gently, rocked her slowly. Within 15 minutes or so, she was back asleep. For good this time, or so I thought. I waited until she was a limp baby in my arms and then set her back in her crib. The instant her head touched the matress, there went those springy eyes again, only this time she was pissed. She immediately rolled onto her stomach and crawled to the head of the crib, crying all the way. At this point, out of sheer frustration, I called for back-up. Then I went downstairs and cried.

Long story short, Ross attempted to soothe her. When I say "soothe" I mean lull to sleep. Once we are in there she's not crying. She just wants to be awake and play. He came down after about 15 minutes and said, "She's not acting tired". I looked at the video monitor, and there was my baby- holding onto the crb rails and happily jumping up and down. We made the decision together that there was nothing more to do than leave her in there for a while. We were not helping her by being in her room. I knew I couldn't fully let her "Cry-it Out" (for my own emotional reasons, and also because she pukes when she cries too hard). So she did end up crying for maybe 10 minutes before she passed out. It was agony. Attachment parents, cover your ears. For a few minutes, it was was really heavy duty lung hearty screaming. Yes, for a second, every fiber in my body screamed, "go pick up your baby", but the logic won over that. The logic being that my baby was FINE. She did not need her mommy or daddy. She was just pissed that it was time to sleep, and at this point she was overstimulated by our attempts. This was a situation that a visit from mommy and daddy would not have helped, but only make it worse. I am not ready to use Cry-it-out as a full on method for sleep training, but last night it was a necessity.

No Cry Sleep Solution? I tried your methods, and you can suck it. Elizabeth Pantley, I would happily use the pages of your book to wipe Madelyn's poopy butt after she ate a baked potato at Sweet Tomatos, which was topped with sour cream that was most likely not up to regulation food standards. Yes, that shit was nasty.

Cry it Out Method? Why don't YOU come over here and clean my baby's emesis covered sheets- and give her her second bath for the evening since she now has vomit in her hair.

We are at the point where the books I have read are not helping. (everything from BabyWise- which some believe is written by the devil himself to the aforementioned No Sleep Cry Solution- wait, is that how the title goes? In this house it does!). as well as advice from people near and far. I'm hoping this is just a phase, but we need serious bedtime (and nap time) help. Don't get ,me wrong, Madelyn is a very happy and sweet baby (until bedtime). I am blessed to be her happy mommy, only I am not happy when it takes 2 hours out of the day just to get her to sleep, a necessity to her functioning. Lately I have felt like I'm not the great mom I thought I was. I feel like I was a pretty awesome mom of a baby 3-8 months old. Those were my glory days. I don't know how to be a mom of a 9+ month old. She is a smart girl, and is starting to test the waters (and test me, frankly). Now I actually have to be a mom. This is not fun. Lord help me!

This morning, I enjoy Madelyn and multiple cups of coffee. She is still my best baby girl friend, and she still lights up my world. I am working really hard to relax and keep my anxious nature at bay while we go through this time. I know if I am wound up, she will become wound up as well. On Monday, we see her pediatrician for her 9 month checkup, and I am praying that he has set aside a good 30 minute or so for us. I will literally stand in front of the door if he tries to dash in and out without giving me a good plan of action. I also intend to call on the mammas (my mom and Ross's mom) for some advice. The plan for today? Not get anxious about this situation. Also, let the house (and my personal appearance) stay messy until she does take her afternoon nap. Also, breathe in, breathe out, and above all: be thankful.