Bad Good Dream

Last night or in the wee hours of this morning, I dreamt that Madelyn was about 2 years old. She was my little girl, only bigger, stronger, and with longer hair and more teeth. It was very interesting to see what my perception of what she may look like as an older baby. Anyway, I was just staring at this beautiful little girl, and I started sobbing. I held up the picture I have of her on my desk at work when she was 3 months old:

...and asked, "what happened to this baby girl???"

I even cried when I told Ross about it this morning. By the way, I'm also PMSing. This is the first time in my life since I was 16 years old that I haven't been on birth control pills (or pregnant, or not having periods cause of post partum/breastfeeding/etc). I am reminded exactly why Dr. McAndrew and my mom had me start the pill at the tender age of 16. I become a NUT CASE when that time of month rolls around. I think I have a hormone issue. Last night I was convinced my husband was an as* hole for turning on South Park so loud that I couldn't hear an old episode of The Hills playing on my lap top. Then I cried because I felt like a bad wife. Its craziness, I tell ya, craziness.

In all fairness, I had just worked a very busy half day, came home and cleaned, cooked dinner, put Maddy to bed, and was ready for MY "me time". Its hard to fit in "me time" when both parents work and care for the baby. We're working on it.

So I realize I digressed quite a little bit, so I will summarize and wrap up this post:

1) I should REALLY go back on the pill

2) Babies grow up too fast. Seriously. Cherish every single moment you have with them. Don't wish for them to grow up and stop relying on you so much, even though its tempting. I would give anything to go back in time to when Maddy was a screeching 2 week old refusing to sleep anywhere but on my chest. *sigh*...

Choices and the Future

Ross and I (and Madelyn) are at an interesting point in our lives. We are pretty sure that we won't be where we are 1 to 2 years from now. By where, I mean physically, emotionally, family-wise, job-wise, etc.

In fact, we don't know where we'll be in a month or so. Ross is not happy with his job at the car lot and wants to quit, but he doesn't want to quit unless he has a really good job lined up. But it is long, exhausting, and tedious for very little reward (paycheck). So we will see.

I have actually gotten to a very happy place with my job. 3 days a week is a good balance. Then, yesterday, someone approached me with a possible new opportunity. Sorry for being so vague, but I never know who reads this thing, and I don't want to be too transparent about life changing decisions like this; especially since it may never materialize into anything. It is a great opportunity, and something I have always thought I would love to do at some point in my career; like 5-10 years down the line. I never thought that 4 years into my career (3 years as a chemo nurse) I would [possibly] be given this opportunity. I have mixed feelings about it:
- I feel proud of myself for being considered
-I feel blessed to have an opportunity for something I have once dreamed of [fall on my lap.
-I feel SCARED. And unsure.

As I said before, I am very happy in my job. I love chemo infusion, and most of all I love my clinic. I have a great relationship with my coworkers, doctors, and patients. My current job works well for my family; I live close by, they pay me well, and I have full benefits for me and my family and only have to work 24 hours a week. I am working on becoming and OCN (Oncology Certified Nurse) this year, which is its own certification and title. I am just about in a place where I have never been before: an expert in my field of work.

However...

I have been wanting to get away from chemo infusion at some point; just because I don't want to limit myself as an RN to one field when I am so young. I want to be challenged and broaden my experiences and knowlege. I don't know what to do. So I have gone along and prayed, and waited for an answer to become clear. Now this opporunity has presented itself, and I feel like a deer in headlights. Even still, I don't know which way to go.

I often wonder what God is telling me. My quest for more knowlege has unfortunately reminded me about the fact that I still don't have a bachelor's degree. I feel confident in my skills and knowledge, but the sad thing is that it is more about what other people think, and the stigma attached to a associates degree. I often hear remarks made by people alluding to them thinking that having "just an associates degree" equals a lesser quality of knowledge. I don't think they realize they are talking about me, too...

Anyway, being reminded of this made me feel that I will ultimately miss out on this opportunity, because I thought you had to have your bachelor's degree for the position. As I was pondering all of this, I walked to Barnes and Noble Starbucks to find a new ceramic and stainless steel coffee mug with a handle and a lid (my beloved mug I had for 4 years separated at the base and collected mold; eeeeewwww). I passed and somehow overheard this conversation between an adult man and woman:

"I mean...associates or bachelors; in the end they all had to take and pass the same test. They are doing the exact same job"

I slowed down my step and pondered the mugs a bit longer so I could listen. I thought to myself- WOW! He must be talking about something else...that would be too weird. But as he went on, I heard him mention the words :registered nurse.

It makes me teary as I type this story to realize how amazingly and perfectly God leads our lives and speaks to us. There has been nothing but excitement, self-doubt, and fear since I got an email from my colleage a mere 24 hours ago about the opportunity. To stumble upon that conversation was a much needed boost. If I cannot be considered for the position because of my "academic title", then I know I am meant to stay right where I am; and that I am not to beat up on myself or feel like a failure. I think it would be a good goal for me to start working on completing my bachelors degree in a year; or after November when I take the OCN exam.

Okay, Maddy has been standing up WAY too long as I typed this (her new favorite thing is leaning against a storage bin, which is the perfect height for her, and playing with stacking toys). She officially has a toothy grin with two little bottom teeth. It is beyond cute.

All About Maddy

May 1, 2010: Began to crawl forward toward and object intentionally (no more practice crawling moving backwards, in a circle, or occasionally forward on accident)

May 17th- cut her first tooth! Front L. bottom little toothy
May 22nd- cut her second tooth- front R. bottom little toothy. What the heck?

Other May Milestones; since I am a bad mommy and did not record the dates:

- she has really taken to feeding herself and even gets a little frustrated at mommy when I try to feed her purees. She really prefers steamed soft veggies, cheerios, and toast cut up with cottage cheese on top (messy, but I didn't have any cream cheese).

-I slowly introduced dairy through yogurt and cottage cheese this month. She is tolerating it just fine. I was a little concerned; as I guess I had a dairy issue as a baby and had to have soy formula and products. I got the Nancy's organic whole milk yogurt, which despite adding mashed blueberries and peaches, is just too sour for her liking. I will try again in a week.

-My little girl pulls herself up to standing! Can you believe it? It happened within a week of crawling. We created a little "play table/station" for her that keeps her occupied for a while!

woops, sideways. Well, what can ya do...

This picture was taken a week ago. I was storing away all of her newborn and 3-6 month clothing, as well as her outgrown cloth diapers. I literally shed a tear or two as I put them away on a shelf in the garage; knowing that the next time I take them out will be when I hold our next daughter or son in our arms...let's not get into that!

Notice her climbing. She approached an open clothing bag and ripped into it; tossing neatly foldes clothes behind her and she made her way up and over. We have a detmermined little girl! She has been determined since conception; and I am pretty sure this will be a trait she will have the rest of her life.

I read Ross's baby book recently. His mom did such a beautiful job describing his personality and what she and his dad thought he would be like when he was older. The scarey thing is that they hit the nail right on the head. In 1980, my in-laws watched their little baby and knew that he would be observant, intent, curious, and so many other traits my husband has. It made me want to try the same for our Madelyn:

Madelyn is very sweet, patient, and considerate. She loves being around people and where the action is; like her mom. She is soft spoken until she feels very strongly about something; and then she is stubborn and determined until she gets her way (um, like her mom). She is wide eyed and observant (like her dad). She can become very focused and intense on something that peaks her interest (like her dad!). I feel like she has a good mixture of the two of us (personality wise). It is so fun to watch her form her own personality; even though there is a little of me, and a little of Ross.

Speaking of Ross, I am working on a pretty awesome Father's Day gift for him. Here is a preview:

These, and a couple others, were enlarged to 8X10 black and white and will be framed and hung in our stairwell. After its painted. Like I've wanted done since February.

I will leave you with one more pic- Maddy discovers the stairs:

Time to install those baby gates! That is, once the stairwell is painted...

Oh, one thing about me- I've lost 7 lbs! I am back in pre-pregnancy jeans!

Oh, and I really am sorry about the sideways pics. I know it really is an eyesore. If you know how to fix this; comment and let me know.

quick update

Madelyn's 7th month of life outside the womb has been one full of growth and new adventures!
-Her 6-12 and 9 month sized clothes fit perfectly and are even almost a little too small in some cases. I feel like just yesterday I was able to still squeeze her into some of her 3-6 favorites. No idea what her height and weight are, suffice to say she's gettin huge!
-She uses a pincer (sp?) grasp to feed herself finger foods. A lot end up on her lap, and sometimes she shoves her index finger down her throat, but she's quite pleased. She lets out the cutest little belly laugh once she's picked up her little cereal puff, because you can tell she's so proud of herself.
-She is totally crawling now. Now just creeping and crawling in circles and backwards, but full on crawling. I was in the kitchen and she crawled in there to greet me (my living room and kitchen are one open area). It was pure happiness to see her cute little self come in to see me.
-She says, "mama". The verdict is still out on whether its intentional or not. One day I came home to her and she looked at me and said, "mama".
-I can finally see some toothbuds to go along with her randomly cranky moods. Two little pearly lines can be seen in her lower gums.

This has all happened in the last two weeks! I can't believe how quick it all happened! Not to be too much of a proud mother, but I didn't think my daughter could get any cuter until suddenly i saw her crawling with her little fluffy cloth diaper ghetto booty in the air. For a girl who never liked kids very much (and wasn't even that interested in cute babies,) I am sure loving being a parent to this little miracle.

Quick ME update (even though I'm not as interesting): I am content with my job situation and am finally adjusting to being a working mom. I find that going to work can be a little break from the enormous responsibilities of taking care of a home. Stay at home moms do not nearly get the recognition and props they deserve- it is a hard and stressful job! Even as an infusion RN, I sit more at work than I do at home!

Before I go, I had to share the cutest new toy I got Maddy. She LOVES it. This is a picture from Amazon, but I got it at my favorite toy store in St. Johns, Grammy and Nonni's.

http://s7d5.scene7.com/s7ondemand/zoom/flasht_zoom.jsp?&company=ToysRUsGSI&config=defaultZoom&zoomwidth=500&zoomheight=558&sku=p5863505

We have a mover...

Maddy has changed SO much the last couple days! She can crawl forward a little bit now. She still works on it intensely every one of her waking moments, and I know she's going to be into everything once she masters it! I bought baby proofing stuff, but have not yet installed it. I am still in disbelief that my baby is becoming less and less of a baby. Then yesterday, as I sat her up on her changing table to put on her little tee shirt, she reached out and grabbed the edge of the changing table (which has a raised edge/bar on it) and pulled herself up to standing! All by herself, out of the blue! I yelled for Ross and sat her back down and she did it again! We got it on video (will upload soon hopefully).

Weight watchers is going fine. I don't know how much I lost this week because I missed weigh-in today (too busy today, which i will get to later). I am planning on going in tomorrow morning before work, but we will see if that happens. My pants are fitting better and I wore a pair of my size 26 jeans yesterday (stretched them to the max, yes, but hardly ANY muffin tops!) I'm making progress.

Today I had to go in for a work meeting at 8am on my day off, but I won a PF Changs gift card! And my supervisor brought a yummy healthy breakfast (plain yogurt, granola, and berries) so the day started out well. My mother in law babysat maddy for the meeting and then after so I could get a massage!!! I had a one hour massage at Dosha and it was AWESOME. I WILL get one again, but next time allot more time afterward. The have a really nice soaking tub, steam room, and shower facilities that I would have LOVED to utilized more. Then I came home, put the stinker down for a nap, and proceded to move all the furniture out of the living room, vaccum, and shampoo the carpet; effectively undoing all the work that "Matt the Masseuse" did on me. Seriously, I am sitting here in pain and kicking myself. You see, yesterday Ross found a stinky brown spot on the carpet. He even put his finger in it to smell it and try to figure out what it was. Then he found another. And another. Then he looked on the bottom of his shoe and found dog crap. He had just been out in our yard, and we don't even have any freaking dogs. But here we are, with our carpet splattered in poo and a newly crawling 7 month old. Perfect timing, eh? Not as good of timing as pampering yourself in the morning, only to overwork all your muscles in the afternoon. What a crazy life we live.

Other than that, all is well. Ross isn't home from work yet, but he sold 2 cars today. Thats GOOD. I should actually go to bed soon if I want to get weighed tomorrow. Wish me luck and skinniness! :P

Dude, Where's My Blog?

Wow, that was a super lame title. But its what came to mind, so it stays.

Life has been crazy and I wish I had documented it better!

Jobs: Mine is going great! After my wah wah fest (see previous blog) I spent a lot of time thinking and in prayer and decided to change my attitude. After talking with my mother-in-law about things, I realized how great I have it. Great income and benefits for 24 hours a week. Looks like someone needs to count their blessings and be gratful *points to self*. Ross on the other hand...we are thankful he is working, but with how poor sales are going it turns out we were better off when he had unemployment! Seriously- he got his first paycheck and he would be making the same on unemployment. But i still believe it is good for him to be working. Even though it can be stressful to find babysitters, I really don't wish to have an unemployed husband again...I am encouraging him to seek job opportunities at our church, so hopefully more on that.

Husband: See above. My poor Ross. This past year has been REALLY unfair for him. Losing a job he enjoyed, unemployed for a year despite applying to over 100 jobs,getting kicked out of the band he had been faithful to for 6 years...then finally getting that job and it being somewhat of a dissapointment. Pray for him. He is experiencing some amazing growth through this, but I just want to see him happy. Don't worry though- we both agreed that Madelyn more than makes up for all those things listed previously.

Baby- Wonderful. We couldn't have asked for a sweeter baby. She is trying to crawl now. When I set her in her crib for her nap, she just gets up on all fours and gets extremely frustrated. I also think she's teething (aGAIN). However, I don't necessarily wish for this phase to end, because then I will have a crawling baby getting into everything AND with teeth to bite off my nipple. Eeew. And ouch. I celebrate her growth, but also mourn a bit as my baby grows up. And speaking of babies...

Friends- one of my best friends had her baby yesterday! Kara and Jacen welcomed their son Archer about a month before his due date. He is healthy and beautiful. He has the most adroable little cry when he gets unswaddled, but otherwise he just sleeps peacefully. It was only 2 weekends ago that I co-hosted a baby shower for them, and I can't beleive he's already here! That means that another certain baby boy will be making an appearance soon (Katie :)

Me- *sigh* I think God knew I almost had a meltdown, so Madelyn went to bed an hour early without a stink and Ross is coming home a bit late from work, so I get *gasp* ME TIME! Sooooo needed. I've been sitting down for a whole hour now and I feel 89% better. Life is just busy. I really can't complain, but its just...BUSY! But its busy with mostly joyous and wonderful things, so there is really nothing to gripe about. After the funk I was in a couple weeks ago, I decided to make a change. I joined Weight Watchers a week ago and it has been going very well. I have lost 1 lb as of today, but feel like I've lost 10 lbs. I am eating like I should be eating, and it feels really great. I KNOW I'm going to get back to my "happy" weight and am SO excited about that! I also bought some teeth whitener (due to all my working mom coffee binges) and better suited foundation. Got a few new clothing items with my birthday money, and will get my hair touched up with a Dosha gift certificate (also a birthday gift). I know it sounds vain for me to care so much about my appearance, but I am a woman who cares about these things. I also believe that if you are unhappy with someone and have control over it, then you should just change it rather than complain about it. So here I am- one of those silly women who counts their "points" with everything she eats :)

All in all, life is good. I felt bad about how much I complained in my last entry, but I feel its somewhat justified. Though I AM so grateful for the life I have. I need to make more time for myself, though. Thats the next goal, I guess!

week.

I know its my birthday for the next 13 minutes, but I have a secret. Today was really not so great. As I say it, I've "had a day". Now I can't say I've had a "bad day", because there were some really good parts. Ross made me breakfast and had an OK magazine waiting for me this morning. Then we got dressed up and made it to 9:30am service at 9:45am. Not too bad. We went right up to the cry room and enjoyed each other and a good message. Let us (I mean me) not forget what today was REALLY about...

But I actually was supposed to have a nice afternoon to myself shopping while my sister watched Maddy. I had grand ideas of getting myself new make up and buying something to make me feel "pretty". I really have not felt pretty lately. This has been quite a downer on my mood, if you haven't noticed. Sometimes I'll feel pretty and okay, and then I'll see a picture of me and think, "Who's that frizzy haired chunky girl with the bad dye job?". Okay, I know I'm being a little hard on myself, but it is hard to look at other pictures of a 120 lb girl with out a care in the world and then see the pics taken a couple days ago. Anyway, I got to the mall and most stores were closed because of Easter. I should have thought of that, I really should have. But I figured if Ross has to work on Easter, shouldn't the people at Nordstrom and Sephora? So I came home soaked from the rain and empty handed- I should have just stayed home and done laundry; because at least then it would have been finished and not in a huge stack in the corner of my bedroom.

I will be honest; our new lifestyle has been really hard on me. I KNOW I need to count my blessings. I KNOW there are plenty of working mothers out there who work 40 hours a week; not 24. I know that there are a lot of families who don't have the luxury of family babysitting. I know, I know, I know.

Part of it is the stress of Ross' job. He is stressed. He works long hours. Sometimes we barely get a small conversation in before we're ready to go to bed. On bad days, which unfortunately there have been a lot of lately, we end up arguing about something stressful and we don't even get to enjoy each other. We argue about how stressed we are, who should help with what, and other fun topics. Tonight we argued because Madelyn was very difficult to get down for sleep tonight.A couple days ago, I was in pieces over the fact that we thought we were pregnant again. My period was 2 weeks late and I was bloated and emotional. Plus Ross had a "feeling". Turns out I just got to have a REALLY long stint of PMS- sweet. Don't get me wrong, another baby would be a blessing in many ways. I just wouldn't even know what to do with myself in terms of work if I had a 14 month old and a newborn.

It feels good to "vent". As soon as I complain about this stuff, I can hear how spoiled I sound. Our bills are paid, we have a nice home, we have a gorgeous, sweet little baby girl, and despite recent bumps in the road, we have a really great marriage. We are healthy. But Lord, could you make things a little easier? I know I seem ungrateful...but at least give me an easier week this week? I hate to sound so whiney, but I have just had a really hard time adjusting to this. I think that after having Madelyn, I still had a lot of time to get things done and even have some time to myself. Maddy has been a fairly easy baby, and I had Ross as a stay at home dad. Now all at once; Maddy has been more demading, and Ross works so much that he doesn't have time to help with any house work.

For the first time in a while I have found some comfort in a poem. My mom told me part of it when I called her crying a couple days ago. I am thinking of having it tattooed on the inside of my wrist as a little reminder. Not really, but I just need to remember to slow down, breathe, and most of all remember that women have been in my dilemma (and in some cases much worse off) for ages.

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
and out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
but I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton