You won't even believe how sexy I am right now...

I am in the 6th week of my pregnancy now. I mostly look and feel the same- only I have gas coming out my ears, blemishes all over my face, and I am just a little queasy in the morning and if I eat a big meal. Then of course the aformentioned growing boobs and having to sleep 10 hours a day. If this is pregnancy, I don't mind it so far (except for gas and blemishes, but thank goodness for BareMinerals foundation powder, and at least I'm not puking my guts out)! Maybe I'm being naive and will hate the world for the rest of the year, but I read that those symptoms are usually into full swing by week six. I'm really loving this. Ross has been super sweet and attentive about my very mild symptoms. I'm a happy girl. Only 11 days until the Dr.'s visit, where we can hopefully see baby heart beating. I have some good prayers praying for this little baby, and I need to be doing more of that, too!

Ross has a show next weekend, and I hope I have fun. Its kinda weird to go to some of these things without having a couple drinks. I know that sounds funny, and probably a little alcoholic-like...but I'm sure many would understand what I'm actually trying to say. I don't know, you go to a bar, listen to music, talk with friends...I've just gotten used to really enjoying a drink in that atmosphere. I guess I better get used to having a baby in my hand insead of a drink. Fear not everyone, I take my baby over a drink any day. Even a great glass of red wine or a crisp gin and tonic with extra lime. Time to go make myself another virgin bloody mary (I've had about 5 or 6 of those in the past week and a half).

I should change the name of this blog to: "Inside the head of an obsessing newly pregnant woman". By the way, I'm reading the book up there. I love it! I recommend this to any obsessing pregnant girl like me (or even the non-obsessers).

donuts with pink frosting and sprinkles

It has been an interesting week. I haven't been very busy, so obviously this has given me more time to obsess. Work was super slow last week. I almost feel like God set all of that up to give my body and mind all the time it needs to rest and just realize everything thats going on. It still hasn't hit me completely. Today I went through a period where I thought I am just not ready for parenthood and wished for a second that I could go back and wait a little longer. But the little babe (which I understand is about the size of an apple seed right now) has definitly made its presence known. Today Ross informed me that my, um, chest has inflated a little bit. Sweet. Very sweet of him to notice :) And I already can't eat some of my favorite things anymore. I got a Costco sized bag of Tims Cascade Jalepeno chips and was only able to eat 1 small bowl (I can usually devour those things until the bag is half empty and my scalp is tingling from all the spice). Even that made me sick all evening. Did I mention the sleeping? I sleep about10 hours a day now (used to be 7)...and am EXCITED to go to bed around 9:30 on week nights. Its amazing to know that I can already feel different from such a tiny little being. I have read that these things are all normal. Appearantly this is a very crucial time for little Pat, because all of its organs are forming around this time. Again; maybe this slow week is a blessing. I'm actually not complaining, I'm just in awe of all of this. I have never been pregnant before, so I'm just soaking all this in. Ross and I are amazed at how our little one is already making changes :)

I have been craving fettuccini alfredo, spicy tomato juice, and donuts with pink frosting and sprinkles. I have been avoiding the latter because I don't need to become a cow just yet. In fact, the tomato juice is the only real odd craving- I think I'm just using pregnancy as an excuse for the other two :)

Inaugeration day rant

I am excited in a way. Barak Obama is being inaugerated today as our president. He is my president and I support him. I applaud President George W. Bush and am happy for him that he gets to wash his hands of the past 8 messy years. So thats it. It is what it is.

One thing that irritates me are that people are still getting in their last jabs at him. On Facebook people are joining ridiculous little facebook clubs:, "Who's happy to see George Bush out of the White house? I AM!" or changing their status to critisize the guy- once again. I want to change my facebook status to, "Amy thinks people should stop their catty little one liners against George W. and just be happy that the guy they voted for is being inaugerated today". But I won't. People who's comments that say how excited they are and how they are throwing parties are great. It excites me to see people happy about their president. I really do enjoy that part of it, for real. But the thing I have been most excited about since Barak won the election is that the complainers would stop their whining! Act like adults, people!

There, I said it.

and yyyeeep. Still obsessing.

...and for good reason. I had a teeny tiny bit of spotting, so I called my OB/GYN. I figured I should ask what the heck is up with the faint lines anyway. Basically, the Dr. told me that I should take another test in a week, but, um... congratulations. Crazy obsessing girl over here could NOT wait a week, so I took a test when I got home from work. Yep. Definitly two lines. Even a little darker this time. This is a total of 2 possibly positives and 1 definitly positive. I'm....preg...nant. I'm pregnant!

I haven't even said the words out loud yet. Us women are supposed to wait anywhere from 8-12 weeks before we start telling people (supposedly). Frankly, Ross and I are both kind of stunned. We just started "not exactly trying but not exactly preventing" a month ago. We seriously thought it would take longer than that! I feel like its not for real until I tell people, but at the same time I understand why I shouldn't tell people yet. It is so early and so much can go wrong. But the fact is that if I miscarry I will be devastated. And those closest to me will find out sooner or later. I'm thinking we'll start with our parents and see how that goes. I unfortunately will have to tell my boss as early as I feel comfortable doing so- just to make sure I never get in a sitation where I will have to mix chemo.
When studying OB in nursing school, i remember learning about fathers being ambivalent about pregnancy. Ross is definitly ambivalent. Last month when it was all fun and trying and dreaming about having kids "someday but soon", he was super sweet and said cute little things about "maybe making a baby". Since we have discovered our news, he has just been nervous and scared. He is still sweet and supportive, but he didn't fulfill my woman fantasy by sweeping me off my feet and screaming "I'm going to be a dad!!!" (yes, I had a fantasy, and he did not deliver on this one). He assures me he is happy and WANTS this, but he is SCARED. I'm scared too, but I'm more excited than I am scared. I mean, he doesn't have to be a parent until the baby comes out. I have to be one starting...now. A mother to my little unnamed poppy seed sized embryo. Awe.

Addendum: When I showed Ross the positively positive test he got teary eyed and hugged me and has been thrilled ever since. He is DYING to tell people! Now I am the terrified one. We named the baby "Pat" for now...Pat the embryo.

OBSESSING

Here's a little peek inside my head right now: I'm either pregnant or PMSing. Cried today while trying to explain my feelings to Ross. Then I cried when I heard him listening to a song we heard of our honeymoon. Its not a sweet song, its a song by Hoobastank. Took a home pregnancy test- the kind where 1 line means not pregnant; two lines mean yes, pregnant. Had well...1.5 lines. Yes 1.5 lines. One bold fuscia line and one light pink line. What the heck does that mean? I don't know how many days are in my "cycle" so I'm not 100% sure when to look for a missed period. YES, I am obsessing. So I took a second test (different brand- generic Target brand that has blue lines instead of pink). SAME THING. One dark blue, one very light blue- possibly even a positive pregnancy test mirrage- I could be imagining it. I need to get one of those foolproof "pregnant"/"not pregnant" ones. A pregnancy test for dummies. However, those are about 8$ each. I will just wait I think. I don't want to waste more money on obsessing just to get a negative test. And if it is in fact a positive test, then well, I'll find out soon enough....

Okay, not done obsessing. I did a google image search for "postive pregnancy test" and found a bunch of blogs where woman proudly posted images of their positive tests. And they looked JUST like mine. Some of them even had sl. lighter lines than mine. Oh brother. This is not good for the obsessing woman over here. Not good at all.

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://images-cdn01.associatedcontent.com/image/A2864/286433/300_286433.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/803897/home_pregnancy_tests_reviewing_8_popular.html&usg=__Dl7wUeInTvYXIr0WeUJ0mPMRFr0=&h=225&w=300&sz=20&hl=en&start=36&sig2=pOo5ab0fZHvZRfvLHqoKZg&um=1&tbnid=ln_zL6jeXHqQ9M:&tbnh=87&tbnw=116&ei=KGxySfGNA5y2sQPNnMC1DA&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dpositive%2Bpregnancy%2Btest%26start%3D18%26ndsp%3D18%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN

The hard part is that my pride and fear is keeping me from being able to talk about this with the people I love most. I don't want people to know that we are no longer preventing conception. I opened my big fat mouth at the end of last year and let a few people know that it wouldn't be too long before that happened. Now I am scared that it won't be as easy as I once thought it was to conceive. I am realizing how personal this is, and how stressful it could be if things didn't turn out like I had hoped. I am scared of not knowing my fertility status. I am scared of miscarriage. So I will sit here on my couch obsessing about light blue and light pink lines; writing on a secret blog, and crying every time Ross lifts a finger.

My strange little life

I often have very strange "coincidences" happen to me. One that sticks out very powerfully in my head is when I was away my first year at OIT. One night I had a dream that my old cat Friskie was very ill and I had picked him up, carried him into a car, and frantically drove to a vet. In my dream I was crying so hard in the car, and even woke up crying. As far as I knew, Friskie had still been in good health. A day or two later, my mom called me and told me she had taken Friskie to the vet that day because he hadn't been doing well. He was having kidney failure and they were going to have to put him down. I know many would say that I had to have some kind of clue that he was getting on toward that time, but I really didn't.

Last summer I took the cats to the vet (this is an unrelated story) and saw a very odd "cat lady" there. I even blogged about her in my old MySpace blog. She had a blue tooth headset and two cell phones, and talked my ear off about what breed my cats were. Then she talked my ear off about her 12, yes 12, cats. You would think I would never see her again, except for maybe at the vet, right? Well she ended up being a patient of mine last month. I would have never recognized her until I had already given her chemo, taken out her IV, and and was ready to send her out- and she put her bluetooth headset in. The crazy cat lady I thought I would never see again ended up being my patient and even gave me a nick name and made me odd little crafts.

When I worked in the hospital I had the pleasure of taking care of a very cool woman. She was about 15 years older than me, but we would have been friends if we had been together in different circumstances. I would chat and bond with her when she was wide awake at night and she just had the best sense of humor. I knew she was a patient at a Beaverton clinic, so I knew that my chances of running into her again were very slim, but I have always wondered about her. Today at work, by mistake, our office received some kind of insurance approval/referral something regarding that very patient going on hospice care. She had never even been a patient at that clinic, ever, at any time; or under the care of any of our doctors working there now.

Whenever a person randomly pops into my head, or I have a weird dream- I always pray hard for that person. Whenever weird little "coincidences" happen, I am reminded that we DO live in a world that is in God's hands (yes, believe it or not it can be easy to forget!). Even if I were not a believer, it would be awefully hard to dismiss all of these things as "mere coincidences" or "simple accidents". Life is incredible.

A Tuesday House-Wife Day post

I love tuesdays. Today I slept in, worked out on the treadmill, showered and got all ready for my day, and then ran errands. I went down to Costco and got new sheets and all kinds of other stuff we needed. I then went to Stabucks to get some tea and thought that I should treat myself to a carwash. The little 'Beca was so dirty that I get grime on my hand when I shut the doors. Now a car wash is something I haven't experienced since I was a little girl with my dad. As I pulled up I really didn't know what to do. The teenage or young twenties man of many words (not) took my money, handed me a damp cloth, and went to get change. I was puzzled. For a second I thought that it was for my hands...but I knew that wasn't it. When he returned I kindly told him it was my "first car wash" and I didn't know what it was for. I hoped that he would smile and laugh and coach me through this, but no. He just told me it was for my dashboard. Right....dashboard! The rest of the experience was just as awkward. Like when I didn't realize I had to have my car in neutral for it to work. I felt like such a lamer! Buts its okay, because my car is now sparkling and looks new again! Afterward I went to Starbucks to pick up some tea and an americano. As the Barista was making my drink, a woman walked up, held up a pacifier and asked him if he would rinse it off for her! I was disgusted! Ever heard of a bathroom sink? Or even a cup of water so that this poor gentleman who is already busy doesn't have to touch your baby's slobber? That is so not his responsibility. The poor guy stammered, paused and reluctantly said"okay". I looked at the girl behind the cash register and we exchanged, "holy moly" looks with each other. It was not too long ago that I was a barista at Starbucks and I have not forgotten how people treat you with no respect. I have a few patients who treat me like their "sevant nurse" but they are actually sick, and always so appreciative, so I don't mind. Note to self: start tipping Baristas more.

Feeling insightful about the new year

Ah, what a glorious day. I vow to do some house work later, but for now I am enjoying sitting on the couch in my new bright pink sweat pants, cuddling with Nigel, watching the rain out the window, and watching Season 1 of the Simpsons (Christmas gift from Ross). I am also drinking a pot of coffee, even though it makes my stomach feel sour. Coffee is something I should truly cut out of my diet. For some reason I think I have more of an emotional attachement to it, rather that actually getting any benefit from drinking it. I also would like to cut social drinking out as well. Between parties, dinners with friends, Thursday night "The Office" night, I just feel like it adds up and probably isn't good for my body. Not making a big deal out of it, I'm just saying. I don't think there is anything wrong with having a couple drinks in moderation, but I feel like I am at a point in my life where I wish to cut that out. This year we plan on trying to get pregnant. Suddenly I realize that my body may be providing life and support to our son(s) or daughter(s). It puts everything into a whole different perspective. Its a little crazy because this all means that Ross and I are witnessing ourselves changing before our eyes. We made this decision so carefully and it feels so calculated. There are times we wish we were like every other person we know who just got pregnant without planning it. We have been married for almost 5 years, and have waited for multiple reasons; We wanted to have financial stability, we wanted time to grow our own bond and relationship and love for each other, and I think we just really did not feel mature enough. As the past year came to a close, I became very aware of my biological clock...wait do I have the whole clock factor if I'm only 25? Okay a better way to put it, is I became aware of my emotional family readiness clock. I feel like Ross and I are closer and stronger than we have ever been. We both finally came to a decision that having a family is the only thing that would make our lives better. Its hard to explain, but incredibly strong! It feels so weird to say and describe all of this. Again- couldn't I have just gotten pregnant accidentally? I feel silly for thinking so deeply about this. But I figure I may as well document my feelings. It will be interesting to read years from now when I am a completely different person and a mother.

I have a lot of fears of course. What if we have trouble conceiving, or what if I can't conceive? Now that I am ready for this, I am so ready that I am to the point of near obsession. I really don't want to be THAT woman, but I am! Hopefully this will be my first and last blog entry about obsessing about starting to try to conceive.

As I said before, its very strange to witness and "plan" for your life to change dramatically. I pray for wisdom and strength during this time. It scares me to know that we have been able to plan our lives this way. I don't know whether to be completely thankful for that, or to be a little scared that God will surely throw a curveball in here somewhere. I don't mean to say that God wants to come in and mess up our lives. I just know that often times He has plans that don't always line up with ours, but for very good reason. I am actually tearing up as I write this- am I corny or what?!

So here we go, 2009! Lets see what happens this year! ;)