OBSESSING

Here's a little peek inside my head right now: I'm either pregnant or PMSing. Cried today while trying to explain my feelings to Ross. Then I cried when I heard him listening to a song we heard of our honeymoon. Its not a sweet song, its a song by Hoobastank. Took a home pregnancy test- the kind where 1 line means not pregnant; two lines mean yes, pregnant. Had well...1.5 lines. Yes 1.5 lines. One bold fuscia line and one light pink line. What the heck does that mean? I don't know how many days are in my "cycle" so I'm not 100% sure when to look for a missed period. YES, I am obsessing. So I took a second test (different brand- generic Target brand that has blue lines instead of pink). SAME THING. One dark blue, one very light blue- possibly even a positive pregnancy test mirrage- I could be imagining it. I need to get one of those foolproof "pregnant"/"not pregnant" ones. A pregnancy test for dummies. However, those are about 8$ each. I will just wait I think. I don't want to waste more money on obsessing just to get a negative test. And if it is in fact a positive test, then well, I'll find out soon enough....

Okay, not done obsessing. I did a google image search for "postive pregnancy test" and found a bunch of blogs where woman proudly posted images of their positive tests. And they looked JUST like mine. Some of them even had sl. lighter lines than mine. Oh brother. This is not good for the obsessing woman over here. Not good at all.

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://images-cdn01.associatedcontent.com/image/A2864/286433/300_286433.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/803897/home_pregnancy_tests_reviewing_8_popular.html&usg=__Dl7wUeInTvYXIr0WeUJ0mPMRFr0=&h=225&w=300&sz=20&hl=en&start=36&sig2=pOo5ab0fZHvZRfvLHqoKZg&um=1&tbnid=ln_zL6jeXHqQ9M:&tbnh=87&tbnw=116&ei=KGxySfGNA5y2sQPNnMC1DA&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dpositive%2Bpregnancy%2Btest%26start%3D18%26ndsp%3D18%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN

The hard part is that my pride and fear is keeping me from being able to talk about this with the people I love most. I don't want people to know that we are no longer preventing conception. I opened my big fat mouth at the end of last year and let a few people know that it wouldn't be too long before that happened. Now I am scared that it won't be as easy as I once thought it was to conceive. I am realizing how personal this is, and how stressful it could be if things didn't turn out like I had hoped. I am scared of not knowing my fertility status. I am scared of miscarriage. So I will sit here on my couch obsessing about light blue and light pink lines; writing on a secret blog, and crying every time Ross lifts a finger.