My Dear Madelyn:

We both cried a lot today. It was your first Christmas. Last night we spent the whole day in our house with your Grandma Martha and Aunt Emily and Uncle Daniel; Aunt Pam, and Uncle Allain; and your Grandma and Grandpa Steve joined us too. We had a wonderful time and you got a lot of gifts.

Today, the party continued and we spent Christmas Day at Grandma and Grandpa Lumsden's house. Great- Grandma Mary and Lee were there; as were Uncle Tom and Aunt Stephanie. You had a wonderful time, but you refused to take a nap. I think you didn't like to sleep in an unfamiliar area. Or maybe you were having too much fun. By 5:00pm you were exhausted and still couldn't sleep. You began to cry the kind of cry that makes your mom and dad really sad. So I took you in my arms to a dark quiet room and held and rocked you to sleep. You soon stopped crying and fell asleep peacefully on my chest.

Rather than set you down to sleep, I continued to hold you and rock you back and forth. I enjoyed it too much to set you down. It then occured to me that in just 4 days, I will be returning to my old job as a nurse. 3 days out of the week, I will be away from you for most of your waking hours during the day. The tears started coming, and they wouldn't stop. I went through ten tissues as I wept quietly at the reality of being away from you for so long. I thought about how I won't be able to hold you when you cry (if I'm at work). I thought about how some of our special nursing sessions will be replaced with a mechanical pump and plastic bottle; not you and I gazing at each other while you eat.

I cried like this for an hour. While I held you; we had switched places. Now I was the one crying and you were comforting me. Nothing felt better than to place my cheek against yours during this emotionally painful moment. Your dad came in and thought that something was wrong with you when he saw me crying so hard and holding you. As soon as I was able to express these feelings to him, I felt a little better. He told me that he will bring you to my work for me to feed you during my lunch break for the first few days. I am still sad about going back to work, but find so much comfort in knowing that your dad will be taking care of you. He loves you and I sooooo so much.

I realized that I may have been a little too emotional and dramatic about this. But no one ever could have prepared me for how much I love you. The past 3 months have been the most difficult, but even more joyous and rewarding than any other time in my life so far. I never in my life thought I would want to be a stay at home mom until the thought of being away from you brought this much pain to my heart. I know that I have to learn how to let go, because you will continue to grow up and I will have to say goodbye to you as you go to school and play with your friends. You will want to go to sleepovers; then eventually on dates. Then not too long after that you will leave home; and I will definitely have to let you go. I will probably cry this hard, if not harder.

I hope you always know how much your dad and I love you. I tell you every day, and I always will.