Why Did I Wait?

...because I had to wait until I was ready. And until SHE was ready.

"Can you just let her cry?"
"Oh....nnnooooo. I can't do that."

People said this over and over, and I said this over and over. I read BabyWise before she was born, threw the idea out the window after she was born, read No Cry Sleep Solution and almost threw that in the shredder after it failed miserably. (Seriously- if any of my local friends want to come over for a little fire in the firepit in our backyard, I will gladly burn the book, and laugh devilishly while the flames reflect in my eyes).

Then it came down to that night as I rocked smart little Maddy who had been throwing a tantrum after I left her in her crib. She poked my face, smiled, and giggled. I know my daughter well, and I know she was saying: " Haha, NOW I get to stay up and play longer, even though I'm exHAUsted. You're fun. Fun to look at, fun to poke, and fun to mess with".

Now some people would say, "That is wrong. Your baby is not manipulating you with her cry. She NEEDS you." And then I would tell them they had no idea how wrong they are. A mother knows what her baby needs. Its just in our souls. We know it. It has always been my intention to do everything just right for my daughter. Ever since she was conceived, I have not stopped worrying/caring about her for a single second. Every moment I do my best to give her what she needs.

What she needed, was to fall asleep without me in the room. Period.

What IIIIIIIIIIIII (and Ross) needed, was for her to not monopolize the evening with the bedtime charade that had been going on for too long.

You want to know the funny thing? Even though this was a difficult and life changing decision for us to make, it went SO smoothly. I'm going to spell it all out for anyone who is curious. I know a lot of anti- sleep training mamas, and a lot of pro-sleep training mamas (about 50/50). But no one has ever actually spelled it out for me. So here is our experience; 4 days in.

Night 1:

7:00- down. Fell asleep in my arms (she was SOOOO tired)
7:45- woke up because I snuck into her room and she was in a very light sleep (oops). Rocked her.
7:55- She poked and laughed, and I decided with a whole heart to go ahead with sleep training. I kissed her head and laid her down...she cried hysterically. BIIG time drama. I watched her on the video monitor as she stood up in her crib and yelled at me for leaving her in there.
8:00- went in patted her cheek, she smiled. I told her I loved her and good night. Crying starts again.
8:04- mom is practically guzzling wine to take the razor sharp edge off, and family is there to comfort us. Also had to turn down the monitor, but still watched checked the video every minute on the minute. Who knew a few minutes of crying could turn my world upside down?
8:08- Crying stops, She finally settles kinda tosses and turns in crib (per video monitor)
8:15- OUT. Snoozing. All is right in the world- except for my massive guilt. Slept til 7am

Night 2
*note- we saw her pediatrician this day. Thank the Lord she didn't need any shots. We were going to forego them anyway, so as not to mess up the training process with a vaccine reaction/injection site pain. Our pediatrician who is very in line with our parenting beleifs confirmed that Maddy is old enough and smart enough to manipulate us with crying. He told me I did the right thing, and offered some helpful hints. Hallelujah!!!!!!!!

Began the night with our routine:
Bath
Lotion/fresh diaper/PJ's/bedtime song
Runaway Bunny/Rocking Chair
Bottle/Nurse
Brush litte teeth
Seahorse while rocking
Set Seahorse in crib and say, "See, Seahorse goes to sleep- now Maddy Goes to sleep. I looooove you. Goodnight Sweetpea" (Okay in all honesty, I DID get the idea of using soothing key words at bedtime from the No Cry... Book. Meh.)

7:17- set down. Cried.
7:21- came in, patted her, touched her cheek and told her, "I love you, good night", Caved in and picked her up and cuddled her a minute (oops! hehehe).
7:24-set down. cried. stood up in her crib.
7:30- settled down, sleep soon followed. Slept until 7am

Night 3
Routine
7:52- down. Cried.
7:54- stopped crying settled into sleep. Slept until 7am

Night 4 (pending)
Routine
8:15 down (today was off schedule since her dad and grandma cared for her today)
Cried for 30 seconds; nothing serious. Then got herself comfy and fell asleep.

I always make sure I see some drowsy eyes and a yawn before I set her down. Also, when she wakes up, she is well rested and as happy as can be. I realize this will all change once we get another tooth or she gets sick, and I am prepared for that. I will be able to handle it 100X better, now that we have bedtime under control most nights.

My advice on sleep training to anyone
1) First of all, don't do this with a young baby. Our ped. told us that 9 months is a good time to start; 6-9 months is a case-by-case basis, and anything under 6 months is a big no-no.
2) Don't let anyone tell you you have to do this if you feel uncomfortable. Baby is cabable of screaming loud and making awful noises. It is not for the faint of heart.
3) Moms, always trust your instincts. If its not right, go in there and pick up your baby. Your heart needs to be in it. If you are convinced its right but then can't stand to hear them cry, try again in a week or so.
4) Above all- do what is best for your family. Your WHOLE family. For the past 18 months, she has been my#1 priority. Heck, she probably still is, but my marriage also needs to be in the #1 spot. Her night time behavior started to put too much stress on Ross and I, and I caught us snapping at each other under the stress of it all. We could NOT be the best parents we could be to her if we kept it up. Not to mention she needs her sleep.

By the way, writing all of this is not to convince myself or others that I did the right thing- its more to document what has been consuming my world the past few days. I also hope it might help anyone else out there who has struggled with guilt about sleep training. Sweet dreams? I know mine will be, now that I can relax in the evening once again...

*disclaimer- these methods didn't get her to sleep through the night. She just has naturally done this since she was 9 weeks old. The girl sleeps heavily like her mama. She just hates falling asleep when there's so much fun stuff to do (like her mama!).