And in the End...the Love you Take is Equal to the Milk You Make...

Just writing this "out loud" is causing the reality to sink in and a tear to form. Even though this has been long coming...

Breastfeeding Madelyn is officially over.

Like a high school sweetheart that you stay with for months after it is really "done" just because its SO hard to let go even though both of your hearts aren't in it anymore...we are going to stop fooling ourselves. Did I just compare my nursing career to my first serious boyfriend? Oh yes, I did. Hey, it worked, didn't it?

Madelyn stopped showing real interest in the boob at 9 months and so we dropped down to 2 feedings a day and supplemented with bottles. A couple weeks ago it went down to morning feedings only. Recently, it seemed as though the morning feedings were becoming a charade. Madelyn happily obliged her mama, even though she would wiggle and giggle while nursing; stopping after a couple minutes, crawl onto my stomach and say, "da da, da da...doot doot doot".

Translation: "Mom, there's not really anything coming out, but I can play the part of a nursing baby who's bonding with you. But only because I love you".

I had the hardest time knowing I would be shutting down the factory to Madelyn, only to be up and running again for the NEXT Lumsden baby. It was the end of an era I didn't know if I was ready for. I completely realized I was in denial, but I figured that no one else had to know about our sacred morning feedings. Ross would smile and go downstairs and quietly make her a bottle, because we ALL KNEW that should would need to eat afterward. I ultimately convinced myself it was a good idea to keep nursing, even if it were just a tiny bit, because she would still get my antibodies and nutrients that only breast milk can provide.

Last night was the 3rd night in a row that I couldn't fall asleep because of my sore throat and cough. At 11pm I came downstairs to have a big ol cough fest without waking my dear husband and baby. I eyed the medicine cabinet, and a novel idea popped into a lightbulb above my head:

"Coouuuggggh Syrup"

Alcohol filled, cherry flavored, cough surpressing, milk supply dwindling COUGH SYRUP. (Tangent!- Does anyone remember the Simpson's episode with "Flaming Moes" when Homer reveals the secret ingredient of cough syrup? Well thats the voice I'm using when I say COUGH SYRUP" Okay,Tangent over. ) The expiration date was from a year ago since I haven't been able to take most OTC meds in FOREVER due to pregnancy and breastfeeding. I held the bottle and had one of those defining moments. My heart was pounding. Not really, but I love making this sound so dramatic. But in that moment, I said to myself,

"Well, you made it just about 11 months. And that ain't bad."

And then I chugged down 30cc's, got on Facebook while I waited for it to take its effects, then slept like the dead for 10 hours. I have no guilt today. The over-anxious mama who already obsessed about how horrible it was that I didn't make my goal of nursing her until at least her first birthday has been clubbed and dragged into the trunk of an imaginary car to be driven of of an imaginary cliff as I dust my hands of her (I need viusuals; sorry). What does a number matter? My girl is healthy and happy, and I did what was best for her AND me. This morning when Maddy woke up, I we skipped the charade that the morning nursing sesh had become, and just enjoyed some morning cuddle time (sans boob) while Ross made her bottle, which she happily chugged. How funny is it that I am the one who needed weaning.

I am pretty sure I am not going to have to deal with engorgement or leaking like most weaning mama's have to. All the supporting actors to this saga were ready: Madelyn and The Girls (lefty and righty, respectively). It was all on me, and I'm finally emotionally there (oh, I forgot to mention Nasty Upper Respiratory Infection for his integral part in this decision. Thank you). Its time to put away the nursing bras (which really, I have only been wearing when I was behind on my laundry and had nothing else clean). Time to get out the lacey Victoria's Secret push up bras and try to enjoy my boobs again. They are not what they used to be, but I'm sure with a little firming cream and clever bras, we can make it happen.

Ladies and Gentlemen; I am weaned.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LkH-1JiA-E&p=A7B4975C944F8062&playnext=1&index=44