Quick Stats: December 9, 2011

Pregnancy and baby boy:

I had my 28 week appointment today! Baby is healthy, and for the most part, so am I.

I failed my 1 hour glucose tolerance test again (just like with Maddy) but thankfully my OB is a very reasonable man and we agreed that if I took the grueling 3-hour test it would turn out similarly to the last one: sitting in a lab for >3 hours, me vomiting up the nasty drink; or keeping it down but then almost having a hypoglycemic emergency cause my body just doesn't handle large doses of sugar/carbs well. We settled on a plan of skipping that nonsense and me cutting way back on carbs/sugar and agreeing to exercise more. Done.

Weight: +20 lbs from pre-pregnancy weight. Not bad

Symptoms: ugh. Poor bladder control when sneezing, and other unpleasantness "down there". HUGE boobs. Way bigger than last time. Come to think of it, they may be responsible for at least half of the weight gain...

I'm having a lot of hip and lower back pain, but otherwise feel pretty great! I am thankful that I should be able to stay pretty active until delivery day; Lord willing everything continues to go well and without complication.

Baby Stats (approximate): Per ultrasound; baby boy Lumsden weighs about 2 lb13oz! Dr. T. said he is healthy and strong. He opened his eyes and it felt like he was looking right at me on the screen; I felt like I was on another planet; it was so unreal. I can't wait to meet and hold him. He currently is transverse; with his feet on my right side. He just LOVES kicking/dancing on my ribs, and those must be little hands/elbows that tippity tap on my bladder.

Name: Undecided; we have it narrowed down to 3 so far but have decided to meet him before deciding for sure.

Maddy

Oh, Maddy. This girl amazes me every day. I have never enjoyed being a mother more than I do now. I don't know if I just enjoy a 2 year old more, or if this parenting thing just gets better with time and experience. She does new things every day.

Words/Personality- Today she pulled out "I am a Bunny", opened it up, and started to "read it". I know she wasn't actually reading it, but she would say, "I am bunny. My name is Nicolas. I live in hollow tree"; turn the page, and then continue saying the correct words that corresponded with the pages. She is also becoming more and more attached to Ross and I; and showing and verbalizing her affection. She tells us she loves us often; and says her own prayers every night. She likes to say, "Thank you, Jesus, for mommy and daddy's jobs, cars, and baby brudder in mamma's tummy". She can now count to twenty (except for she skips 18 and says 19 twice. She used to skip 8 too!). She loves her friends and is still very social. I love watching her interact with other kids; she's really considerate and kind to them. UNLESS, she is playing with my smart phone.

With such an active mind comes a few challenges. She does not nap most days; and even if she does it isn't until 4pm and its because I make her go in her room because she's getting too emotional and dramatic. If I can make it through the day without her napping, then she typically goes down for bed okay and sleeps until 8am or so.

Potty Training? Yeah, no. Here's how most of our potty conversations go:

Me: "Momma's going potty"

Maddy: *runs into bathroom and demands* "I wanna go potty TOO!"

Me: "Great! You can use your special pink potty"

Maddy: "NO!"

Me: "Okay, how about the white one?"

Maddy: "NO! I don't WANNA go potty!"

I don't get it, but I don't want to push it yet. I am not looking forward to having 2 kids in cloth diapers, but what are you gonna do?

Oh, and as for Ross and I? We are BUSY. He is working full time and I am working 24 hrs/week. We continue to be involved in our church. We are grateful for our friends and family; we are extremely blessed in that area. We get so much love and support from them. I am so happy that Maddy has great relationships with her grandparents, aunties, and uncles.

We have made some changes recently with trying to live more simply, responsibly, and faithfully with our finances. It has been a huge positive change in our lives and I am excited about how the next few years goes as our family goes through more changes as well!

Okay....I feel like I just wrote a generic Christmas letter. How fitting; since I decided not to even try to attempt to send out Christmas cards this year (I always fail).

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

A Mother's Dillemma

Well I have some good news and bad news. First the good news:

As I typed in the Blogger website after deciding to write this post, I realized; "I blog a lot more when I am facing a challenge in my life or things aren't going the way I want them to". I am not very good at documenting my happiness; I just enjoy it, or am too busy to think about it. So since I haven't been a good blogger, then its a safe assumption that things have been going very well for us!

When I have a matter that causes unrest in my soul, it is constantly on my mind and heart. I think about it, pray about it, and talk to any loving and patient friend who will listen. I am an over-thinker, so that naturally spills over into my blog.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have struggled with being a working mom. When Ross was unemployed, I just didn't have a choice so it was what I had to do despite my wants and desires to stay at home with my baby. Now, I consider my pay and benefits for even just working part-time too much of a blessing to give up. Not to mention the rewards of my career. I am good at what I do and feel valued by the doctors I work with and my patients. It can be very satisfying.

But no amount of money and praise is as satisfying as sitting here with a cute 2 year old with her cheek on my arm. Making pancakes (or just cereal) and coffee in the morning and kissing my sweet husband before he goes to work and then being in a good mood when he comes home with dinner made feels great too. In approximately 4 months, I'll be cradling a new pile of moosh who will want my boobs and my arms as much as he can get them. And lets not forget his sweet sister. The thought of leaving a a 3 month old baby AND Maddy to go back to work (even 3 days a week) sends a panicky feeling through my body. Ross and I have been contemplating what we are going to do when that time comes; but naturally we have been putting it off. Its too hard to think about and I'm scared to choose between my (part-time) career and my family. [not saying that moms who work choose their career over their family--- this is particular to me. I am not good at doing both; I was not made that way].

I am in awe of some of my co workers who work 4-5 days a week with little ones and seem to rock it (I've reference this thought/envy in a previous blog). Seeing them makes me feel guilty and like I should just suck it up and work without complaining. But every morning I leave for work, saying goodbye to my daughter just feels painful and unnatural. Even though I completely trust my mother in law(1 day/week) and Maddy's babysitter(2 days/week) I still HATE it. At the top of my "selfish me"prayer list has been asking God for help and peace with making a decision about what to do about work once junior arrives.

2 nights ago I read a letter from our babysitter, "G" letting us know that she wouldn't be providing childcare anymore as of December 1st. I don't know if I was able to tell you about G, but I found her because my good friend "J" has been taking her daughter (and Maddy's buddy) B there for 2 years. I would normally never feel comfortable taking Maddy to a day care, but I knew how much J loved and trusted her; and when I met her I felt instantly at ease and even learned that we go to the same church. The fact that G lives up the street from us made it even better. And I don't even know if you would call it a "Day Care" because she is usually just watching Maddy and B, and Maddy LOVES it. I felt like it was the best possible situation I could have for having to use a day care/babysitter. But this option is leaving us shortly, and we have some choices to make.

Have you ever had a moment when you KNOW what you're supposed to do, without a doubt? When God (or Whomever you believe in, to be fair) speaks to you, telling you what you need to do and you can't deny it? I have only had this happen to me a handful of times; and its extremely convicting and powerful. I have probably cried 8 times in the past 24 hours; because its so overwhelming and I know I can't put this off anymore. I asked for guidance and help making a decision; and I got my answer. I tried to work around it and started searching for day care options/nannies in my area but again this just evoked fear and discomfort and reduced me to tears again. Its not right. Not for us at least.

In the mean time, Ross needs to hammer out a few details with his job. His job still isn't as stable as mine, so relying on his income would be taking a huge leap of faith. He is going to see if he can work a couple evenings a week so he can watch Maddy during the day while I work. For now, we still need my benefits for my OB visits and the baby's arrival. After that, it will be interesting to see how things work out. We have had enough road bumps that we are not too naive to realize that Ross could lose his job at any point, and this could change our plans around again. I am excited to see where our faith and reliance takes us.

* Oh yeah, by the way....ITS A BOY!!!!!! A sweet kicky dancy active little boy. I was told I have an anterior placenta so I won't feel the baby very much, but I felt him early on and some days I want him to even settle down a bit because there's too much of a party in my tummy!

Confessions

Sometimes I feel like the least put-together person ever. I can allow myself to spiral into feeling guilty about some of these things and believing that I'm not good enough. Thankfully, I have enough faith in myself to brush off those feelings and know that I'm doing fine- just fine. The expectations I hold myself to aren't fair to me, and the people I think are so much better than me have flaws and struggles of their own that obviously I don't know about. Why don't I know about them? Because my reference point is Facebook- where everyone puts their best face forward. Where people actually post pictures that are, like, 5 years old because they don't like the way they look now (seriously- I saw someone use their high school senior photo as their profile pic.)

It is my belief that working moms (part-time or full) other than me are waking up before their kids and showering, doing hair and make-up, and putting on a cute outfit. Then they wake up their kid(s), get them ready, feed them, take them to day care, get to work on time, work, pick kids up, come home (OR actually attend sporting events or PTA meetings) make dinner, feed kids, go to bed, and do it all over again. I am in awe of these women, and have no idea how they do it.

I hit the snooze button until 7-7:15 even though Maddy wakes up at 7:30. I have to drop her off at the baby sitters by 8:15 and be at work by 8:30. I quickly shower and then walk in to greet my sweet girl (if my husband hasn't already done it). I set her on the bed and she gets to watch 1 episode of Yo Gabba Gabba while I get dressed in scrub pants or whatever still fits these days. I put on face lotion and start the make-up process (aka- masking my splotchy complexion and dark under eye circles). Maddy is so stinking cute that I get distracted and often will sing and dance with her, so I rarely actually put on any makeup before I leave the house. I get her dressed and grab her milk and some dry cereal to snack on in the car(she eats breakfast at the babysitters). I drop her off between 8:05-8:10. From 8:15-8:25 I am often going through the coffee drive through on the way to work and putting on eyeshadow, mascara, and blush while they make my order. I arrive to work 4-7 minutes late with damp hair, or dirty hair pulled back in a pony tail. I eat my breakfast at my desk while I prepare for the day. Depending on how my morning went, I may just now be throwing on some mascara and concealer at my desk and calling it good. Some mornings, I have even been known to brush my teeth in the bathroom just before I greet my first patient.

These days, after work I just come home and lay on the couch while I talk to Maddy about all the toys she brings me. We discuss animals and sounds, letters, etc. Then, if my family is lucky, I make dinner. Otherwise I call Ross and beg him to bring something home. He always does, or offers to make something.

I keep making comments like, "These days...." because I am now 12.5 weeks pregnant with baby #2. I am even more blah and less pulled together"these days" and struggle with it. I don't know where I got my vision of how I'm supposed to be, but I'm trying to figure out if that's realistic for me; or fair for me to expect. I think the reality is that being a mom is not always easy and pretty; working full time, part time, or stay at home. It is my belief that there are separate but equal struggles with all. So how do some women make it look so damn glamorous and even effortless? HOW?!?

In other news: Baby #2 is healthy so far. My nausea is FINALLY starting to fade (it was way worse this time than it was with Madelyn) and some energy is returning. Maddy kisses my belly several times a day; and says "baby" as she pats and rubs it. Not convinced she really gets what's going on, because sometimes she does this while patting my boob, or Ross's belly. We think its a boy- but that's just a hunch.

Happy July 4th! 22 months for Maddy-o

I'll make this quick!

Maddy started to potty train and even pulled down her diaper and peed in her little potty once last week. Sadly, during my cheers and hurrahs, she picked up the bucket and proudly poured all that pee into the floor. No big deal, right? I was prepared for messes. What I WASN'T prepared for, was Maddy slipping and falling on the freshly mopped floor in front of the potty and then deciding that the potty was evil. NOOOOOO!!!!! Oh well. I heard that this happens; kids being kind of coy/fickle during the whole process. Hopefully she will get back on track, because I LOVE the idea of not having to wash, dry, and stuff diapers for a little while!

I cannot even tell you all of Maddy's words, because she has just become a little parrot and will repeat everything you say. Some meaningful phrases/words she has learned are:

"I sorry"

"I wuv you"

"ank-you" (Thank you)

She also counts to eleven, except for the number "8". We are getting her to say "eight" sometimes, though. She has learned many letters of the alphabet, and can usually identify them on a shirt or poster.

In other news- Ross is enjoying his new/old job and I was able to cut back down to 3 days/week a couple weeks ago. I have some changes taking place at work and will help open a new clinic in Oregon City and am excited about that. We are really happy with our set-up.

We had a very fun/full 4th of July weekend with family and friends: My mom was in town earlier in the weekend, we had a B-day brunch for my sister Pam, went to a BBQ saturday night, and then had a BBQ tonight. We had a blast lighting some kid- friendly fireworks and watching the kids delight and squeal over pop-its and snakes. Maddy kept trying to put the pop-its in her mouth, but she eventually figured out how they worked.

Today, Ross and I put Maddy in the bike trailer and rode from 92nd/Flavel to a park in Sellwood and back. I couldn't figure out why my bum hurt so bad, and then Ross admitted to me that I was using a GUYS seat. I wanted to strangle him, because I could totally see him getting the bike and thinking, "Meh, she won't notice and I don't want to buy another seat".

Okay that's it for now! We have been so busy and I'm deliriously tired so my writing has gone to poop. To those that read- good night!

Maddy's new words: 19 months

-tah-ees (stars)

-poopf (poop- and she says this any time someone uses the bathroom or if she poops in her diaper)

-moon

-moo (cow)

-muk (milk)

-appue- apple

-nana (banana)

-eyee (eyes- when you ask, where's mama's eyes? And she points to my eyes. She also points to nose but doesn't say that one yet)

-tees (teeth- points)

Yesterday when i came home from work, we had a solid ten minutes where where tightly wrapped her little arms around my neck and slathered me with kisses on my face and neck. It was pure heaven; especially since she sometimes plays coy with me when I come home.

-she is learning how time out works. I need to be better about spending time disciplining her, but I admit to slacking on it. We have had one successful time-out so far, so we really need to keep working on this.

Where I Am Now (Health/Food related)

Few things are as exciting as knowing that I get to have a surprise half-day tomorrow at work. Knowing that I get a break in my Tue-Fri maddness and get to experience just a few more moments of what life would be like if I didn't work almost-full-time...

You know me- its midnight and I'm bakin'. I have kale chips in the oven that should be in a dehydrator, but I don't have one. I have an "experiement" rice-flour bread in queue to go in next. I am sipping a vodka and grapefruit juice, because I don't have to be at work until 12:30pm and nothing is more enjoyable and therapeutic to me than cooking/baking while enjoying a cocktail (used to be a glass of wine before this crazy diet).

Crazy Diet Update:

Its going remarkably well. I have tapped my resources (IE- New Seasons and Bob's Red Mill which are very close by; and healthy living blogs) and have discovered some pretty awesome recipes and snacks. I have learned that one, in fact, can live on a more simple eating plan w/o additives. Baking and preparing food has taken up more time that I thought I didn't have; but I have learned that its worth it. Ross knows how to make me sauteed veggies, pork sausage, and quinoa (my new dinner staple) so he does that often. Otherwise; I come home from work, strap Maddy into the Beco carrier so we can have "loves time" while I cook up some other random concoction that adheres to the plan. This has been my best multi-tasking effort yet and I love it. Maddy loves watching what's going on in the kitchen, so its a slam dunk in our house.

The main point is: I'm surviving. Thriving, even. I have never physically felt better, and didn't have any intestinal issues until I had a weak point this week and ate out against my diet. We had a stressful day/week and I succumbed to my weakness of having food as an outlet/comfort. I said I would just do it once and then proceed with the diet as if it had never happened (SHHHH...do NOT tell anyone!). Well...I paid for this BIG time. Today at work, to be specific. And let me tell you; there is no bathroom suitable for digestive issues in my clinic. Its either the patient's bathroom or the bathroom adjacent to the lobby and my manager's office. Not cool. So I decided that yes, even Red Robin is just not worth it. I am back on track and almost thankful to be so.

The details: I lost 5lbs pretty darn quickly! And amazingly, my weight and appearance is not ranking #1 in this quest. I am pretty happy to have that be a pleasant side effect of being healthier and feeling better. I am less cranky and am accomplishing life's tasks a lot more efficiently lately. I have more energy, and just feel better overall. I highly recommend being tested for food intolerances and going through the process of elimination to figure out what causes harm to your body. I am still in the beginning phases and have no idea what food(s) are causing my inflammatory response, but I am so happy to experience life without it for almost 3 weeks! Its pretty amazing. I don't recommend books or fad diets; because those appeal to the masses and the common food allergens, but not the individual. A perfect example being: my body tolerates corn w/o any problems, but limes and oats may be harmful to me. If anyone is interesting in going down this road, I highly recommend seeing an allergist and having the appropriate testing done.

Okay- so was that a soap-box type statement? Because if it was, I am SO sorry. I can't stand soap-box crap. Its 1241 and my rice flour bread still has 30 minutes to go. I convinced the hubs to stay up and hang with me. Gnight!

And a REAL Update/ 18 months

The job opportunity? DENIED. I won't lie; last week was a very difficult week in the Lumsden household. Just picture Ross reading the denial email 15 minutes before I had to leave for work. Many tears were shed, hopes and dreams crashed, and that day I was actually sent home early because I was so upset. Wednesday March 16th, 2011 was a pretty low point for us.

Thursday morning was difficult too, but it all got better from there. We went to our regular Thursday night Bible study and were uplifted with prayer and support. We had a great weekend with friends, and then had a quick visit to my mom. I honestly had been feeling sorry for myself. After talking with a couple friends who are also going through difficult times, and watching footage of the recent tragedy in Japan; I was humbled and reminded that I need to be thankful for our blessings; even though I don't have exactly what I want now.

Its hard to explain our struggle; because its not like we can't pay the bills, or go out from time to time. We are both physically healthy beings, and we have a beautiful, sweet, intelligent, amazing daughter (can you tell I'm a bit proud?). We have amazingly supportive family and friends. We have a roof over our heads, and its even a nice roof by some people's standards ;)

In fact, sorting it all out like that makes me feel like we're selfish and ungrateful. And for that reason, I'm not going to talk about our struggle. You get it; you've heard it about it for the last 2 years. Last week WAS a low point, emotionally, but we are doing a lot better. Prayer and perspective works miracles. I am growing up every day, and I am thankful to gain wisdom now so that I can teach my daughter to be a smart and grateful young lady. Oh yeah, and the other kids someday when we get to it. *as a side note- I held a 1 week old baby tonight and felt completely at ease. Even when Maddy tugged at my shirt and said "bay-be? Ma ma! Ma ma!". YES I'd like another, please*.

Oh...and for those who pray for us? We actually do have yet another job prospect on the horizon. I won't talk about it, nor get my hopes up. But just please, pray for Ross and this possible opportunity.

*switching gears*

I am a bad mommy and haven't been keeping record of my growing girl, so here are some quick 18 mo stats:

Words:

Mama

Dada

"i-eet" (light- and she points to lights)

"Hot!" (and she points to oven, fireplace, dishwasher, lights, etc :)

"Mow" (meow, in answer to cats meowing)

"Nye nye" ("Night night!")

"Uh-Oh!"

Duck

"Uck" (yuck, eew)

Bay-bee (baby- and she points to a baby)

Na-na (Banana)

Bye bye

Hi

Milestones- Her last canine tooth (bottom L.) is poking through and she has a full set of teeth other than her 2 year molars.

-She runs (hilarious), jumps, climbs onto chairs and sits on regular chairs. She hugs other kids CONSTANTLY; she is very affectionate.

-She is in an interesting phase with her mama. She has severe separation anxiety with me especially; she goes ballistic when I leave. But she also butts heads with me and battles me more than anyone else. If she grabs I pen and I take it from her, she tries to hit me and throws a tantrum. If a friend, another child, or a family member takes it; she willingly hands it over.

Am I really up for this?

I promised myself (and my husband...and my friends...and my co-workers who have to sit next to me all day...) that I wouldn't be someone who talked about their new health kicks or food allergies all the time. I also promised I wouldn't become one of those smug Portlandia-ish types (oh how I love that the rest of the world now knows what I deal with from living in PDX) food snobs who turns their nose up at the sight of a non-organic cheeseburger and fries. I have been irritated and disgusted at the fact that people with gluten and dairy intolerances seem to be on the rise.

THEN...I started to get tired of certain digestive issues I have been dealing with lately (as open as I am on here I do NOT wish to go into the details.) It all started one weekend when I was at a super-fun girls beach weekend. I ate Totinos pizza, potato chips, a little bit of wine, and other sweet goodies in all their glory. I awoke at 3am with severe nausea and ended up hurling. I know what you're thinking- but I assure you it was not the wine, as I only had a total of 2 glasses all night. I was sick for the next day or so. A "junk food hangover" as I have started calling it. SO a few junk food hangovers later, I decided that (duh) I should stop eating junk and eat healthier in order to feel better.

Thankfully, I am incredibly blessed to have a father-in-law who is a chiropractor who specializes in naturopathic medicine. I suspected a dairy intolerance, so he drew 3 vials of my blood a couple weeks ago and sent it to a laboratory to test for food and environmental intolerances. The results...were shocking to say the least.

I had a severe intolerance to chicken, potato, garlic, lime, soy, oats, wheat, cranberry and many, many others. GARLIC?!?! Kill me now.

I don't need to list all the other severe, moderate, and mild intolerances; but needless to say it is laughable that I have been downing the tofu and soy milk since I thought I had a dairy problem. Dairy was at the bottom of my list. Folks; there's a solid lesson of why NOT to try to diagnose yourself by books or the internet.

The moral of the story is that starting Monday, I am committing to a 6-12 week regimen of food elimination and systematic re-introduction to find out which of the foods on my "bad" list really cause me symptoms. So why I am doing this? To feel better and not have bowel issues (ugh...I hate talking about my bowels).

But why am I REALLY doing this? Honestly; because of cancer. I've been working in oncology for almost 5 years now and I just see too much of it to feel like I'm protected from it. I know that our immune system plays a role in avoiding and getting various malignancies or autoimmune disorders. Eating food that makes my body go into attack mode can't be good for my immune system. I cannot guarantee that I will be totally compliant, or that my life is changed forever. I, in no way, am going to become preachy and judgy of eating McDonalds; nor will I become a Portlandia-like Portland suburbian food snob. Part of me is mourning the loss of my junk food indulgences. I am just praying that I'm not really allergic to garlic :)

Not to be a cliche, but diet starts Monday!

Hopefully Excited

Ross is applying for a super awesome job that he has a really good shot at. He should know in a week or two if he gets an interview. He has a lot of connections and odds in his favor. It is an IT position with the Clackamas Co Sheriff Dept. There are so many great things about this job that I don't even want to think or talk about it, because I don't want to divulge too much in case he doesn't get it. But the biggest thing is: the pay and benefits are great, so working would be "optional" for me if he got this job.

*SCREAM*

This is the only place I can "scream" and get excited over something that is in no way guaranteed. Why?Well, I'm not saying we have had it rough, but I will say that having a husband who is the type of man who likes to work and be the breadwinner being unemployed for 2+ years while this mama who wants to be a semi-SAHM has been bringing home the bacon has been...less than desirable for the both of us. We have faught. We have envied each other due to our role reversal and have even been bitter toward each other at times because of this. I have walked out the front door to my car gracefully after hugging my sweet baby girl; only to hear her screaming and crying as soon as the front door closes...and have it break my heart a little every time. The older and wiser she gets, the worse the cries are and the tighter her hugs get before I'm about to leave.

I'm not asking for sympathy. I fully understand that millions of moms around America do this every day; and probably have harder, lower paying jobs than I do. I get that. But that doesn't change the fact that I have a very strong calling to have MOM/WIFE be my #1 duty for a little while and put being an RN to the backburner for a bit. I can work as an RN for another 40 years. I only get to be a mom of babies/toddlers for another 5 years or so; so I want to catch every minute I can. I want to have more babies and soak in every minute of it; and be there for every moment. I want to work on disciplining Maddy; and help form her into a well behaved young lady. I have a really hard time with discipline now; because on days I work I just want to cuddle and laugh with her; not say 'no' constantly and discipline her as needed. I want to stop envying all the SAHM's I know, and get sad every time I can't go to a playdate or playgroup because I will be at work.

I know women who seriously rock it as the working-mom. These women are terrific planners and delegaters; and just seem to do it all with no sweat. I have tried to be this woman, and I think in God's eyes I have succeeded enough to make me wiser and more appreciative...but I definitely don't "rock it". I never have. I have done it because I had to. I am extremely excited at the possibility of not having to TRY so hard to rock it anymore. I am thrilled that I may actually get a chance to be what I have wanted to be for so long; what my heart really desires. Just thinking about it makes me giddy.

I cannot say these things out loud though. Ross has put HOURS upon hours into the job application (very intensive for a job with the Sheriff's Dept!) and he is feeling the pressure because of what is at stake. He wants so badly for me to be able to work optionally, and for him to be the breadwinner. He knows how badly I want it too, so I am not discussing my excitement with him, because I know there is a possibility that he may not get the job. But for now, I am going to just enjoy the excitement of the possibility...and maybe even fantasize a little.

thoughts on the road

Well I've never posted from my phone before! Please excuuse the typoz.

We are headed back from Bend, Or where we stayed for one night. Everytime we come here I tell Ross I could live there. I just felt led to post today about how thankful and happy I am for being Madelyn's mom. She had a rough day with another little girl who did not play nice with her. Even moments after being pushed, Madelyn looked at her, pursed her lips together, and went "mmmmmah" as she leaned in to kiss her. I almost cried as I was so proud of her for loving others unconditionally, and being so forgiving. We have been struggling with Maddy's temper lately; so this was a good reminder that she is still my sweet girl with a good heart; in spite of her imperfections. Its difficult as a parent to see your little angel struggle with worldly flaws that afflict us all. I need to cope with knowing I can't protect her from the world; and just teach her the best I can while having faith the The Lord will guide her (and me).

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Monday Stay-at-home-mom/wife day

What I did today:

Made-

1) Split Pea and Ham soup from scratch (including a leftover ham bone from a few nights ago.) It was. The Best. Split pea soup I have ever had. the best part is that I used up a ton of leftovers and stuff that was about to go bad. I will post a recipe if anyone is interested.

2) Whole wheat bread (with a little help from my [breadmaker] friend)

3) Roasted garbanzo beans. Recipe

4) Am currently making homemade granola (in the oven as we speak at 1201 am. When do I have to be at work tomorrow? 8am. That's just me! Recipe

Played-

Ross was working on the floors today. He is laying down (all by himself!) beautiful dark wood inspired laminate in our stair landing and will hopefully tackle the stairs soon. This all started with water damage to our old laminate in our kitchen, and one heck of a homeowner's insurance blessing. Eventually; we will actually put tile in our kitchen.

but anyways- Maddy and I had to entertain ourselves outside the house all day. I dropped off cookies at my work this morning and said hi to all my coworkers, turned in clothes at Plato's Closet (earned $34- yessah! almost enough to pay for the new workout shoes I got at the Rack 2 days ago), and then went to the gym.

Maddy LOVES going to the gym. I love her burning off energy and not pulling out every Tupperware lid I own out of the drawers. Also, the girls who work at the Kids Club just LOVE Maddy and get excited every time i drop her off. Back when we first started, madelyn used to cry when I dropped her off. Now, she has so much fun that she just sprints off, only looking back to flash me a quick smile with her full set of pearly whites. It makes a mom happy to know that she is in a place she enjoys and is loved; and she gets to socialize and run around in a padded room. The gym has been a very wonderful thing for our family, and I recommend it to any mom (with babies over 6 months at least).

...Speaking of gym...I am running in a 5K race in March! Its the Portland Sharmrock Run, and I have been training for it 3 times a week. I am very proud of myself for this; and haven't talked about it, because I didn't want to be one of those people who make this big grand scheme for being healthier and doing something big and then NOT do it. Well ladies and gents; I'm doing it! And I even got 2 friends to sign up, so now I'm really accountable!

ANNOUNCEMENT:

Ross and I have agreed on when we want to start trying to conceive baby #2! Yes, we are actually going to have a second child; even after all the chaos we have been through the past two years ;) I am not disclosing when; because I think it will be fun to keep a secret for once. The only clue, is that we would prefer it if for our children were no more than 3 years apart. But thats all you get.

I have had a really great week. I have spent a lot of time with some great friends; and am reminded just how blessed I am. I am not letting my issatisfaction with working get in the way of my happiness. It is what it is; and we are truly making the best of it. Things are good at home, work, and within myself, spiritually. Ross and I have some great relationships and goals within the church that are exciting. Life is good and God is great!

2011- The Year I Got a Bit of Myself Back

2009 and 2010 were all about breastfeeding, cloth diapers, sleeping or not sleeping, obsessing about nap schedules, the amount of ounces my baby drank, and just everything about Madelyn's well-being and my false perception that I had to obsess about every little detail or she would end up like this:

I recognized that my post-postpartum anxiety and obsessive tenancies were running myself and my husband ragged. Being forced to work (almost) full-time against my desires seriously challenged my remaining sanity and forced me to take a step back and essentially snap out of it, or else I would lose it.

So I decided to just...let it go.

Easier said than done, but I have been forcing myself to believe the following on a regular basis:

1) Madelyn won't spontaneously stop breathing for no reason

2) I am very unlikely to get into a horrible car accident when Madelyn is in the car

3) If she cries (whines) in her room by herself for a bit, she will not be permanently and emotionally scarred and hate her mother

4) If she's hungry, she will eat. If she's being difficult and picky; she can just chose not to eat, and I don't have to rip my hair out. If she went a whole day without eating a green vegetable; I won't be judged by others and she won't have colon issues when she's older. She's a healthy girl. I should encourage healthy eating; not obsess about it.

5) She won't stop loving me as much because I work 4 days out of the week.

.....and so on, and so on...

I'm pretty sure these are really common "new parent" fears and struggles, but these things were causing me to snap at people and I thought about these things way, way, way too often. Even though it wasn't totally easy, I have been SO much happier since I let it go.

What I have been doing in my spare time:

1) Rekindling my physical and emotional bond with my husband

2) Connecting with new and old friends (moms and non-moms)

3) Running a comb through my hair, wearing cuter outfits and makeup and feeling better about my overall physical appearance (Vain? yes. But I don't care. My looks matter to me; that's just how it is. I am a much happier woman when I feel groomed/done up. If 30-45 minutes in the morning as opposed to 15 can accomplish that, then I'd say thats 15 minutes well spent!).

4) Going to the gym 3 times a week (With Maddy). That has felt awesome. I am pretty sure I replace all calories burned with my ever-lasting love for food and wine, but at least I'm not gaining, and I am finally getting my old abs back!

Maddy is still as spoiled with love as she has ever been; only now her mama is looking and feeling a whole lot bettah. Honestly, my life still revolves around that little girl (what can I say? She's amazing) but I have a great balance, even though I'm away from her more than I have ever been. On Tuesday through Friday, I am usually the first person she see when she wakes up. I try to get ready before she wakes so that I can change her, give her a bottle, and love her for 15 minutes before I have to leave for work. When I get home, the girl gives me a huge smile with those bright blue eyes, runs up to me, throws her arms around my neck for a tight hug, and then pulls back, and holds my face with her little hands. She looks at me as if to say, "Just making sure- it is you, right mama? Okay, it is you! Oh, how I've missed you!" and then hugs me again. Sometimes, I even get a big 'ole smooch. Not too shabby!

Ross has some job prospects, so one day I may get my dream of being a part-time working mom again. Heck; if that happens, maybe we'll even have more babies. In the mean time, I am happy to say we are surviving; and maybe even thriving.

Madelyn Update- 16 months

I have been terrible at blogging, but I have been AWESOME at spending all my spare non-working time with Maddy, or spending time with Ross, or even spending time on myself. It's been so nice!

In all that time, I have observed so many changes in my little girl that I haven't written down anywhere- so here it is:

Madelyn Kristine- 16 months

Stats:

Height: 30.6"

Weight: 21 lb 12 oz

Head Circ: 18.3"

Teeth-

OMG- teeth galore. I wish I could draw a teeth map on here. Hold on...

So...according to the map above, Maddy has all of her baby teeth except for a few. On the uppers, she is just missing 1 second molar and 1 canine. On the bottom, she is missing 2 second molars and 1 canine. its crazy train! She is eating bits of steak and finally figuring out how to chew stuff!

Words:

My analytical little girl says these words on a regular basis:

Hi-ee (Hi, waves too)

Bu-Byeee (bye bye, waves too)

Mow (meow- in response to when the cats meow)

Mama

Dadee

occasionally---

-"i-eet"- she points to lights and says this sometimes

-"bah-ool"- bottle

She is very, very social and loves to play with toys and other kids. She runs and loves to climb up and go down the slide at Clackamas Town Center.

On January 7, 2011; she had her first kiss on the lips from a boy.

My little girl is growing up so fast! :)