A Close Call

Yesterday was Ross's last day off before starting his new job. We decided to pack up the kids and head down to the nearby mall to get coffee and finish up some Christmas shopping. As usual, any outing with kids is a big production and multiple stops to eat, clean, potty, and play turned it into a three hour excursion. The shoppers seemed crabby and the kids were becoming that as well; so we purchased what we were able to find for our loved ones (including Christmas PJ's for the kiddies) and headed on home. It was 2:57pm when I looked at my phone as Ross started up the car to head home.

We had to stop at the gas station on 82nd Drive and we heard and saw sirens heading up I-205 like crazy. "Something big must have happened, there's cops and ambulances going crazy out there..." Ross said as he got back into the car.

When we walked in the door, both of our phones were ringing and text alarming like crazy. I looked down and had 3 missed calls. Ross turned on the news as I answered the phone call from my brother in law checking in to make sure we weren't at Clackamas Town Center, as there had been a shooting and the killer had not been found yet. I stood there in shock and began to tremble. After beginning to process these facts; most importantly the fact that we were home safe and unharmed; I started making calls and texts to our immediate family and let them know we were safe. I called my friend who had sent me two texts and frantically called twice. I texted my friend who works at the mall and found out that she was safe and had left just before the shooting as well. They say the shooting happened around 3:20pm; less than 30 minutes after we left.

I have been impacted tremendously by this in two major ways; one positive and one negative:

Positive:  I am so profoundly thankful to God for protecting my family and I yesterday; as well as two of my friends who happened to be there at the same time we were. There is no coincidence. We had already stayed out past the kid's nap times and we easily could have gone up to the food court to feed our cranky kids (the shooting occurred in the food court). We just decided we had been there long enough.
This incident is a great reminder and lesson for me that God is (in fact) in ultimate control! As much as I would like to think I am the one in charge of my family's safety; He is. Besides; it was my decision to go to the mall yesterday. I am admittedly a control freak and constantly worry about things like my kids getting sick or getting in a car accident if someone else is driving them. I am the ones who took my babies to a mall that was about to become a crime scene, but our Lord protected us and lead us home just in time. Wow.

Negative: Paradoxically, I am now more fearful of being in big public places. Since the attack on 9/11/01, I have been mildly afraid to be in airports, convention centers, and other large places full of people. It didn't stop me from going; but it would linger on my mind when going into those places. As of now; I am not sure when I will feel comfortable stepping into large stores or events with my children. I would go alone, but not with the babes.
This SO contradicts my first point, because I know that if I truly trusted Jesus, then I would not be afraid. I was supposed to go to the same mall on Friday to have Santa pictures taken with the kids, but I just don't know if I can. Ross, who is sometimes just annoyingly wise and faithful, said that we absolutely go. He said he would hate to see businesses and families suffer more than they already will; and that I should have faith that God is protecting our family. Not only is he right, but logically the odds of there being ANOTHER shooting there are pretty much nonexistent. We will see.

Are you going shopping in any malls soon after what happened at Clackamas Town Center yesterday?

Bullies.

We watched The Christmas Story last night. It made me think about bullies of the past and present. When we were kids, we might think of a bully looking something like this:

source:http://thr4.pgmcdn.net/sites/default/files/imagecache/thumbnail_570x321/2012/01/zack_ward_as_scut_farkus_2012_h.jpg

As we got into our teen years, many girls would say their bully looks something like this:

As an almost thirty year old woman; This is what my bully looks like this:

I'm sure this woman is very lovely and I have no idea who she is; I just Googled "Middle Aged Woman". Source: http://blogs.ktk985.com/files/2010/05/middle-aged-woman.jpg

How funny is it that past our childhood years; bullies of women are typically women; and how they change form over the years. Its no longer the prettiest and most successful that are mean to their peers; nor is it the troubled; misguided person who has lived a rough life. In my experience; it is the typical mom-next-door.

Whether its the friend who makes subtle, sugar coated snide comments about her child being better than yours, the internet troll who makes up fake screen names and signs on to your blog to call you and your family ugly (never happened to me, but it has to my peers), or the woman at work who gossips with your co workers about her fabricated and embellished version of things that you did or said.

I have always been a timid person. Confrontation and I just don't mix very well. At ALL. When I have been bullied as an adult (see examples given above); I am often blind sided by it and don't realize the impact of that person's words until later on. Then I would stew and think about it; getting all worked up; until I would talk to a friend or my husband about it. Then I would hold on to it for way too long. If I did finally work up the effort to confront the person I felt bullied by; by that point I would be overly worked up and emotional and it would not go well.

Well, I decided to change that.

Yesterday I was in a crowded Zumba class at the gym, trying to enjoy my hour of sweat and not-care-about-the-world time. Two middle aged women (friends) were in front of me; choosing to take the front of class spot (I'm not a front row-er; tend to do second or third row.) It was clear that the woman closer to me was not keeping up well, and she kept backing up more and more and more...almost running into me several times and closing me out. I know that she saw me, and It started to get to the point where I was wondering if she was doing it intentionally. But I just kept moving and assuming the best of intent.  Since it got to the point where I was on the verge of now bumping into the nice woman behind me, I saw a big open space in front of the two women and went for it. "Ah, there" I thought. Now there's room for everyone! Then I felt someone tap my shoulder. It was Mrs. Uncoordinated:

"Um, I THINK you want to be back there". [pointing to my former spot].

Without batting a lash, I looked right at her and responded, "Yes, I did want to be back there, but you kept running into me so I had no where else to go. Can we just enjoy the class?".

She didn't say a word; just walked back to her spot; leaving ample room for me this time.

Bullies of the world: 57 Amy: 1

If you are a timid one like me, I encourage you to make the choice to stand up for yourself in these situations. Sure, a dance room scuffle might seem like a ridiculously tiny thing; but it wasn't about having a spot to dance. It was about kindly and confidently demonstrating to  someone that they were being silly and just cannot disrespect me like that.

It pains me that internet bullying has created a death toll that is just too high (as in, anything greater than zero is just. too. high.). Internet bullying takes things to an all new low; in that you don't even have to look the person in the eye while eating away at their self esteem and worth. When I was a little girl and someone was mean to me at school, my mom would say:

"They are probably mean to you at school because someone is being mean to them at home."- wise words from Martha Minty; my beautiful mother.

We can even apply this to adulthood as well:
-They are being mean to you because they are dissatisfied with themselves
-They are being mean to you because they want what you have (jealousy)
-They are being mean to you because someone was being very mean to them and they have to direct their anger somewhere
-They are being mean to you because they are bored and misguided.

No one who is completely blessed, happy, and grateful for their lives has any reason to display this kind of behavior. The best thing I think I can do would be to pray for those people, and treat them with kindness while still respecting myself and my friends or family (I have done this ONE time now, LOL. So this is not a preachy high horse message).

How do you deal with bullies?

A Brief Catching Up

I am hoping to get more and more away from the bookFace and document more of my life on here. While I love posting a little snippet of my life and getting a little conversation going; I just have found that it takes too much extra little time out of my day. Also I am a total hypocrite and have kind of become one of those people who posts NOTHING but stuffs about their kiddlets. I personally don't have a problem with that, but   I would rather be writing something more worthwhile that has longevity that I can reference when I FINALLY decide to make those baby books than sharing Ezra cutting his first tooth with 251 of my closest strangers and acquaintances. One before the other; and I figure anyone who actually thinks I have anything relevant to say will read my blog.

Okay...but the truth is I just have to share with someone other than my immediate friends and family some exciting news. We are on pins and needles because Ross had a second job interview with a company yesterday. He met with the VP, had a tour of the place, and his interview took over 1.5 hours. I think that's a good sign, but nothing is for sure until we get that offer. We have been through this before and have been disappointed before; so we are just waiting faithfully. Lord; my husband has gone through 7 years of job instability and dissatisfaction (3 of those years he was unemployed). We would really love for him to have this job.

I also am in talks with my previous employer. They want me back (Cue N'SYNC's "I Want You Back") and  I want them back; so we are negotiating a one day/week gig- something they said they couldn't do 10 months ago. Stay tuned for that as well. ("You're all I ever wanted...you're all I ever neeeeeded...Yeeaaaah....").I love being a stay at home mom, but my degree/licence is an important thing for me to keep and honor for when the kids grow up or if we need me to step up to the plate (financially) again. Also? I'd like us to stop stressing about money and I have college funds and some overdue shopping trips on the brain [lets be honest]. Either way; I got to stay home with my baby for his first year of life. Thank You Lord. I think Maddy would have preferred I went to work, but our relationship has been through a lot (ultimately positive) this past year. But that's a whole post in itself. 

EZRA. 

Oh my goodness. My son. My sweet boy is 9.5 months old and is learning how to walk now. He walks holding on to furniture and with his little push toys (or a chair, or step stool, anything he can get his chubby little hands on). He cut his first tooth on Thanksgiving day (L. bottom middle incisor), and he is in the process of cutting his second one (the right side counterpart). He takes two solid naps a day (1 hour at 9ish and 2-3 hours at 2ish) and likes to go to bed right at 7pm. He is so unlike his sister- in that he KNOWS when he needs to sleep and has no problem accepting it and going to bed. 

While I love him to death,  he is kind of a whiney little mama's boy [secretly love it]. He is devilishly handsome with golden blond hair and big blue eyes. he is above the 100th percentile for height and about 50-75th for weight as of his 6 month visit (oops, just realized we are late for the 9 monther). He wakes up at night (again, unlike his sister- who fights sleep to the death but then is comatose for 12 hours straight).

MADDY

Look out world. This little girl is ahead of her class, according to her teachers; and she was technically not even supposed to start preschool this year since she didn't turn 3 until 9/19. We are so proud of her abilities, but with these abilities come more challenges to the parents. She has an iron will and I am learning how to handle that gracefully. As I mentioned in my previous post we had a very dark month where I just did not have the patience and strength to deal with her arguing and fighting. I made a huge mistake and fought her when I should have just been a loving parent and given her simple cause and effect/ behavior and consequences. I have learned SO much, and we are still working on it. I of course am too hard on myself and worry that our fights will affect our relationship for life. Then she hugs me tight, kisses me on the lips and says, "I love you SOOOO much, mama", and I know we will be fine.

Okay, Ezra's awake. Back to the daily grind and waiting to hear about jobs!

"I Hear You..."

(http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMi02ZDE0ODQ4ZDViZTI3ZmQx)

What do you think when you read this? What is the tone, the message, and the intent? Working moms everywhere are pinning this, "liking", and "sharing" this on Facebook. To me; the message is, "Yeah! How can stay at home moms complain!?! They have SO much time on their hands. I do everything they do but I work." Am I fabricating this, or am I right? Okay, well I know I'm right. Because a little over a year ago I would have said the same thing. Maybe, if I was feeling particularly bitter, I would even share this photo. Even from a former working mother's prospective; its hard to look at this card as anything other than condescending. Which is why it really bums me out that women everywhere are posting this.

These days: I am eating big fat slices of humble pie in regards to ever thinking SAHM's have it easy. The truth is that I hated being a working mom and despised the fact that I had to leave my daughter while someone else cared for her during the day. I hated pumping and washing pump parts. I hated scrambling to find childcare if someone was sick and feeling the stress that my manager would be irritated if I called in sick because either myself, my daughter, or my babysitter were all sick at one point in the course of 2 weeks. I was sick with guilt when someone scratched my daughter all over her face at day care, and then screamed/sobbed hysterically when I dropped her off there the next day. (wait, she sobbed, or I sobbed? yeah, we both did). I resented the fact that I had to earn enough income to keep our health benefits and house payment. I realize that not every working mom feels this way; but I did. (praises to working moms who are way stronger and step up to the plate more gracefully than I did). And for these reasons I resented SAHM's because they had what I wanted. As I contemplated the possibility that I might have to go back to work after having my son and leave both him and my daughter, it got to the point where I almost cried every time a friend of mine discussed their plans and days staying home with their children. So YES. I would be quite bitter if I was unhappily trudging into work 3-5 days a week and some mom on Facebook posted pictures of her and her kids baking muffins, gluing glitter onto construction paper; and then complaining about the laundry never ending. Would it be her fault that I felt so bad? Absolutely not. It would be my own issues with feeling bad about my situation; so I would find a way to bring that woman down to make myself feel better. (why do we do this to each other. WHY?) Anyway, that's my guess as to how this meme was born.

Now lets dissect the other side of this E-Post card; not the warrior working mom, but that lazy, privileged whining SAHM. Here are just the facts that often aren't acknowledged:

1) Unless you have a full time house keeper and personal chef;  if you stay at home with your kids, you will be preparing, feeding, and cleaning up after 3 meals and day plus snacks. And don't snicker; day in and day out is is a LOT of work. If we happen to eat a hot dog at Costco one day, I come home and feel kind of amazed that I don't have to go through the motion of feeding a 3 y/o and 9 month old; The arguing over what she will and won't eat, Ezra throwing his food and getting it everywhere, cleaning the high chair and sweeping and mopping after every meal. Don't underestimate.
2) If your spouse is working full time or more and you stay at home; it is likely there will not be a division of the house chores. Laundry, dishes (which there will be ton of since you are cooking and eating at home), cleaning (when your kids stay home instead of going to day care, your house is only clean within a 2 minute window after cleaning it or when they are asleep), pet care, bathrooms....its all you, mama.
3) Believe it or not; kids don't play happily by themselves confined to one little corner in your house; coming out only for water and potty breaks. They need to be entertained and socialized n' sh*t. Playdates, dance lessons, children's museum, library, etc. will keep any mom away from her pampering session at home while painting her fingernails while kids play in the aforementioned corner (or whatever it is SAHM's allegedly do with all their spare time). Now the truth is; if you get a buddy involved this can be quite fun for mommy, too. But then again, one could find a lot of fun social relationships while at work, too.
4) $$$ to $. We cut out household income in half when we chose to have me stay at home and raise our babies. There are no pedicures, cocktails with the girls, extravagant date nights, and shopping sprees. This isn't every mom's situation, but I know it is many. When I worked, I got to enjoy those extra perks from time to time. The reduced dollah signs also means that mama has to be creative, frugal, and diligent in the kitchen. No more yummy pre-assembled pasta dishes from the store, no more, "I feel like Thai tonight"; no more, "I think I'll pick up a pizza on the way home from work!". (Again- not everyone's situation but I know that its that of many).
5) Take a day when one or both of the kids doesn't nap and/or is feeling particularly cranky. Now take that day and consider that there may be 5 days in a row JUST.LIKE.THAT. One particularly difficult month when Maddy was in her terrible twos, I cried almost every day as she gave up her naps all together. Being a working mom was HARD, but I never found myself in such a dark place as I was when I was freshly postpartum with a sassy young lady testing every boundary possible. (in other words- its not for the faint of heart. There was a lot of growth happening that month!).

Okay, so have I spelled it out enough? Am I overreacting? [maybe]. I find myself defending both working and stay at home moms, when we really should just support each other. Or, what if we just didn't give a crap either way? You stay at home? Great. You work? Great. Just say no to smug little eCards. Opinions are fine...but maybe we should examine why we feel that way before putting it out into the world. [like I just did ;)]

Dear Baby

I just found this in my drafts and wanted to share this. In the first week after we found out we were pregnant with Ezra, we had a miscarriage scare. I discovered bright red bleeding. The OB (not my OB, another doctor) told me that there was a 50% chance of the "pregnancy" surviving and that I shouldn't get attached. That was my Ezzie in there, and I'm so thankful he is sleeping upstairs right now:

7/6/2011- You certainly have your mom worried right now. I am waiting to see the doctor, because we are scared we might be losing you. Keep in mind, your mom has a problem with excessive worrying, but the bleeding is not helping one bit. I know that miscarriages are very common this early; but I feel like I just got comfortable with the idea of you sticking around for almost 8 more months, and I REALLY was looking forward to holding you next March. Daddy is at work, your sister is at the babysitters, and I am here praying that everything is okay. God has already decided the plan for your life, and He knows what the outcome of this will be.


I wrote this after I had gotten home from my OB appointment that was not reassuring at all. I remember seeing the little sac on the ultrasound, and even though the doctor was cold and emotionless as she told me my uterus was full of blood and that the "pregnancy" may detach (she refused to call it a baby and corrected me when I called it a baby); I had a feeling you were okay. And here you are- such a blessing and joy in my life.

Love,
Mom

Easy Ezzie: The Birth Story

Don't hate me because I have easy labor/deliveries.

Friday 2/17/12- 37 weeks/6 days
I was down to working 2 days/week and had worked the day before. I had my 38 week appointment that afternoon. The previous week I was 3cm dilated. Dr. Tan told me I was 5.5cm dilated and he could palpate mild contractions. I had no idea what he was talking about; as I didn't feel anything. He tried to have me press on my abdomen when a contraction came so I could see what it felt like. I lied and said, "Oh yeah, I can feel that". He then stripped my membranes which caused me to almost pass out. Thank God little Maddy sat on a chair about a foot away from me happily typing away on her V-Tech Innotab tablet; she usually panics when I get my temperature taken.

After my episode faded away, I was feeling a little better and not so freaked out and worried I would go into labor right there. He teetered back and forth but ultimately decided to let me go home; with his private pager number written down with the instructions: "As soon as YOU feel a contraction, or your water breaks, just go straight to the hospital and page me on your way there."

That evening we had pizza with our neighbor friends Chris and Jodi. We then split off (as usual) with the boys going to their house to play video games and the girls staying at our place. As we chatted I felt what I thought were contractions. They came in waves like contractions, but were only mildly uncomfortable. If I wasn't 38 weeks pregnant, I probably would have ignored them. But given the circumstances; we timed them and they were about 7 minutes apart. Hmm.

It was 10:30pm. I contemplated going to the hospital, but Jodi encouraged me to go to bed and sleep. I am SO glad I did...

Saturday 2/18/12- 38 weeks

5:37am- Ouch. Okay THAT was a contraction, and it woke me up. (sound familiar? ;) I nudged Ross and said, "time to get ready, here he comes".

5:42am- Another contraction, and dammit its really starting to hurt. Let's go.  "I think we should go now; call your mom and I'll call Jodi (Ross's parents live 20 min away, so we worked out a plan to have Jodi come to our house immediately so we could go straight to the hospital, and stayed there with Maddy until Ross's mom got there).


6:00am- Longer, stronger, closer together. As soon as Jodi gets there we hop in the car. I page Dr. Tan; he calls within 3 minutes. He is seriously the best doctor ever.


6:15am- @ the hospital. "Dr. Tan called us and we're ready for you." They offered me a wheelchair, but I declined because I remembered it was harder to sit still while contracting. She offered to escort us to the maternity ward, but we said we knew where it was. WELL, we forgot, so we wandered the halls a little bit. Silly, silly Lumsdens. 


6:30am- Did I mention my water still hadn't broken? Well it didn't. The nurses told me that Dr. Tan gave them strict instructions "not to touch me; just get my IV started and then he would come in and check me". I could tell the gal was nervous, and she blew my gigantic hand vein on her first try. Even with the contractions, I tried to boost her morale and confidence, because starting IV's is about 50 % skill and 50% confidence. She missed the other hand. I showed her my beautiful forearm vein, and she told me it had "too many valves", and proceeded to explain what valves were to me. As an IV nurse; I had to bite my tounge REALLY really hard. Dr. Tan poked his head in a couple times; looking a bit annoyed. I allowed them to poke me again which was another fail. Then I got impatient and started giving them tips (in between contractions) and pointed out good veins. Even in the transition stage of labor, I proved to be my usual neurotic awkward self by fearing that the nurses would think I was a drug addict because I was pointing out all my "good veins" and what kind of person does drugs when she's pregnant? So I finally told her I was an IV nurse. This was probably a good thing, because then they got all squiggly and grabbed their supervisor to start the darn thing. She was successful.

7:00am-7:15am- Dr Tan checks me and I'm 9-9.5 cm but my water still hadn't broken. He wants to give me a bit more time. Pain meds are offered but refused. I took a shot of Fentanyl when delivering Maddy and I don't think it helped at all, so why bother? The nurse told me that if I felt the urge to push or bear down, then I need to tell her because then she would get Dr. Tan and I could start pushing. I lied and told her I felt it, because I just wanted my baby to be born and the painful contractions to be over with

7:30am- Dr. Tan offers to break my water, and I'm whining because I want anything that will help me deliver the baby faster. He breaks it and I feel the warm gush which was SO weird. Not like peeing your pants; like a warm waterfall (sorry). My water broke in small spurts with Maddy, so I had never felt that before. Then I got to start pushing.

7:54am- Ezra James is born and immediately placed on my chest. My first thought was how adorable and perfect he was; but how crazy that he didn't look a thing like my Maddy did when she first came out. They offered both Ross and I to cut the cord and we both declined. We're not all symbolic like that; we just wanted to marvel at our new baby boy (who's name was actually not decided at the time).

Delivering the placenta was a tad more uncomfortable than I had remembered, but not too bad. The after pains when nursing were worse this time around, but the ibuprofen helped a lot. Ezra took to nursing immediately with a great latch. If you are a faithful reader of my blog, you will remember my documentation of what a horrible time we had getting Maddy to latch. He was pretty textbook and wanted to eat about every 2-2.5 hours.

I don't think I lost very much blood, because 2 hours after delivering him I got out of bed, showered, put on makeup (visitors were coming) and even curled my hair a bit. I was SO excited when Maddy arrived and cautiously and bashfully climbed into bed with me and met her new baby brother. I had missed her. As I cradled my new baby boy with one arm and cuddled Maddy with the other, I felt like my family was complete. It was such an amazing feeling.

Ross and I decided that he would go home with Maddy and stay overnight with her so she wouldn't have to go through too many changes all at once (I was so troubled about how she would handle the new baby and all the changes). It got a bit lonely spending the night in the hospital without Ross, but I enjoyed getting to bond with my baby boy. He stayed in the room with me all night; except for the 30 minutes when they did his hearing test.

The next morning he had his pediatrician exam before his circumcision. Ezra had a strong latch and nursed for at least 30-45 min at a time, so I asked if it was okay to give him a pacifier. I could already tell he was a comfort sucker/nurser and I would have to end the nursing sessions myself because he just wouldn't stop. My nurse and the doctor were both supportive of it, so we went ahead with it.  When it was time for the circ, they asked if Ross and I wanted to go with him but we both declined. Having our boy leave the room to have "surgery" was surprisingly difficult. Ross couldn't stand it, so he left to go be with him.


I will NEVER forget the feeling I had when they brought my baby boy back in the room. They had been gone for a half an hour and I was starting to worry a bit. I remember it was about that time that they wheeled my sweet boy back in the room in his little clear bassinet. I had envisioned a baby who had just been circumcised would be screaming and wailing, but my little guy laid their happily sucking on his pacifier like nothing had happened. He just looked so sweet and completely took my heart. We went home 2 hours later. 


We picked the name Ezra after reading Maddy one of her favorite books by Ezra Jack Keats; "Snowy Day". It was such a special book at that time, as it always made her so happy when we read it. The rest is history.  We call him Easy Ezzie because he is such a sweet, happy, gentle baby. 


At 4 months old now, Ezra wears 9-12 month clothing and is still as sweet as can be. He and Maddy get along just great and she loves entertaining and holding him. I'm not saying that its easy managing 2 little kids, but at this point they bring me so much joy that I don't even care about the challenges. 

"So How Do You Spend Your Days Now?"

2 weeks ago my [former] co-workers had a little hootn'anny and also recognized my leaving the company after almost 4 years there.

Yes, folks, right now; for the first time in my life, I am a stay at home mom* (!!!)

A question that was asked twice was not only the title of this post, but I feel was also a sincere curiosity of what Amy does when she's not giving chemotherapy, starting IV's, and answering endless questions about nausea, vomiting, and constipation. The answer I gave to my co-workers was not well thought out and I fear was a little laced with a need to justify myself. From the moment I decided to be a stay at home mom, I worried what my co workers would think. How silly is that? Very. Very silly, I tell you.  The answer I gave was along the lines of:

"Caring for an infant and 2 year old, changing diapers, potty training Maddy, cooking, cleaning, play dates, running...the list goes on".

I wish I would have just simply said:
"Caring for my family and raising my kids."
PERIOD. No need to justify.

So really, what am I doing now? Okay, I'll tell you:

Caring for and raising a strong willed, beautiful, intelligent 2.5 year old girl and learning how to overcome her attitude and behavioral issues while bringing out the many positive attributes of her personality and spirit; while making sure she knows how loved she is.
Breastfeeding, changing diapers, troubleshooting, and snuggling a squishy 90th percentile 3 month old baby who is a mini version of my husband and father (seriously, how lucky am I?)
Loving and caring for my husband; who works hard to provide for our family and loves us on a very large scale.
Keeping our home clean* and providing nourishing and healthful meals.
Strengthening my friendships and connecting with other moms who give me support and build me up on difficult days
Exercising and becoming stronger and more healthy
Growing closer to the Lord.
Getting a hold of my anxiety and stress issues and working through them on tough days without relying on sugar or a big glass of wine after 4 pm (how I "got through" a very tough month, but am not wanting to continue that); but relying on prayer (and a double jogging stroller and a C25K program) and faith in myself with the strength the Lord gives me. Whew, that was a mouthful.
Simplifying our lives and learning how to stop being a slave to money and material possessions.
Cleaning and ridding our lives of clutter and excess.
Feeding our family mostly all natural, unprocessed whole foods on $400 or less a month (we cut our income in half and are still managing to pay all our bills without living paycheck to paycheck simply by cutting back, cooking and baking more,  and couponing ;)
Doing cloth diaper laundry (plus laundry for 4 people)
Planting a garden (we set up a 4'x8' planter box and are growing some of our own stuff)
Using a skin care regimen and caring for my body and face
Shaving my legs (I had to add in the last two, because I am sad to say I used to be so overwhelmed by all the stuff in my life that I never actually took care of these things enough)
Finally as of this moment? Documenting our lives in my blog.

So there you have it. I think I am spending my time responsibly and joyfully. By the way, I am not writing this out to justify anything; but more to share with my readers (anybody?anybody?) what my life consists of at this point in my life. It is a far cry from the woman I was 6 months ago. I have experienced so much spiritual and emotional growth and happiness that I can't even describe. I could write forever and ever on this subject, but I am going to go spend some QT with the hubs.

*I am in the process of finding a new job with the IV therapy team at a nearby hospital who is interested in my skill set. I am looking for a 12/hr a week gig that will allow my children to be under the car of their daddy or grandma while I am there. I financially and emotionally can't do daycare right now. The position isn't even created yet, so I likely won't start working for a while still. I'm happy with that. I am enjoying being strictly a SAHM for a season of my life, but I do still have a passion for being a nurse and will not give up all the hard work I did to become a nurse.

Ezra's Story

About 10 months ago, I was going to be the head nurse for a new oncology and hematology clinic opening up within a certain large health corporation. I was going to be the only nurse working in the small clinic; mixing chemotherapy, caring for patients, giving treatments, and introducing a new doctor to the company. Unfortunately, the start of this path coincided with our plans of trying to conceive our second child. When you are pregnant or trying to conceive, you cannot mix chemotherapy. After two weeks of trying to conceive, we decided we should put off our plans to conceive until the clinic was up and running and required a second RN so that I could still take advantage of the career opportunity ahead of me. I remember the conversation with my manager about giving up the position because we were trying to conceive; then 2 weeks later telling her that we were waiting, so I could take to position after all. Our conversation ended with me saying, "So we decided we're not ready for another baby yet. So I CAN mix chemo. Unless, if by some chance I'm pregnant now...in which case, [looking down at belly] um, I still love and want you, baby!".

2 weeks later, I had an unexpected positive pregnancy test. We were surprised, but excited. This baby was obviously meant to be in our lives at that time. I was pretty bummed about giving up my career opportunity, but I have always loved being a mother more than my job, so it wasn't too big of a deal to me.

A week later, I had bright red bleeding. Terrified, I called my OB's office and the nurse warned me that I was likely having a miscarriage; due to my symptoms. She advised that I just "wait it out, because it was so early on and and before First Response tests were invented, women often didn't even know they were pregnant and just thought their period was late." Or I could come in for an ultrasound "just for my peace of mind". Of course I opted for the appointment.

Suddenly the baby we weren't sure we were ready for was all that mattered. I was seen by my OB's partner who identified the "pregnancy" on the ultrasound (she actually made a point to correct me when I called it a baby) and said my uterus was full of blood and there was a 50% chance of miscarriage. She said, "I'm sorry, but you'll just have to wait it out. But I wouldn't get attached if I were you."

Even though her words were in no way reassuring, I felt confident when I saw the little blob on the screen was going to be okay. A week later I was blessed(?) with the worst fatigue and nausea I could ever imagine. I KNEW things were okay at that point.

I continued to have to worst pregnancy symptoms up until about 17-18 weeks when we found out we were having a boy! The rest of the pregnancy went great. I even made it to the gym up to 37 weeks. At 38 weeks, I gave birth to our sweet Ezra James- weighing in at 7lbs 2 oz 18.5" long.

To be continued: Ezra's Birth Story

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