OBSESSING

Here's a little peek inside my head right now: I'm either pregnant or PMSing. Cried today while trying to explain my feelings to Ross. Then I cried when I heard him listening to a song we heard of our honeymoon. Its not a sweet song, its a song by Hoobastank. Took a home pregnancy test- the kind where 1 line means not pregnant; two lines mean yes, pregnant. Had well...1.5 lines. Yes 1.5 lines. One bold fuscia line and one light pink line. What the heck does that mean? I don't know how many days are in my "cycle" so I'm not 100% sure when to look for a missed period. YES, I am obsessing. So I took a second test (different brand- generic Target brand that has blue lines instead of pink). SAME THING. One dark blue, one very light blue- possibly even a positive pregnancy test mirrage- I could be imagining it. I need to get one of those foolproof "pregnant"/"not pregnant" ones. A pregnancy test for dummies. However, those are about 8$ each. I will just wait I think. I don't want to waste more money on obsessing just to get a negative test. And if it is in fact a positive test, then well, I'll find out soon enough....

Okay, not done obsessing. I did a google image search for "postive pregnancy test" and found a bunch of blogs where woman proudly posted images of their positive tests. And they looked JUST like mine. Some of them even had sl. lighter lines than mine. Oh brother. This is not good for the obsessing woman over here. Not good at all.

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://images-cdn01.associatedcontent.com/image/A2864/286433/300_286433.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/803897/home_pregnancy_tests_reviewing_8_popular.html&usg=__Dl7wUeInTvYXIr0WeUJ0mPMRFr0=&h=225&w=300&sz=20&hl=en&start=36&sig2=pOo5ab0fZHvZRfvLHqoKZg&um=1&tbnid=ln_zL6jeXHqQ9M:&tbnh=87&tbnw=116&ei=KGxySfGNA5y2sQPNnMC1DA&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dpositive%2Bpregnancy%2Btest%26start%3D18%26ndsp%3D18%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN

The hard part is that my pride and fear is keeping me from being able to talk about this with the people I love most. I don't want people to know that we are no longer preventing conception. I opened my big fat mouth at the end of last year and let a few people know that it wouldn't be too long before that happened. Now I am scared that it won't be as easy as I once thought it was to conceive. I am realizing how personal this is, and how stressful it could be if things didn't turn out like I had hoped. I am scared of not knowing my fertility status. I am scared of miscarriage. So I will sit here on my couch obsessing about light blue and light pink lines; writing on a secret blog, and crying every time Ross lifts a finger.

My strange little life

I often have very strange "coincidences" happen to me. One that sticks out very powerfully in my head is when I was away my first year at OIT. One night I had a dream that my old cat Friskie was very ill and I had picked him up, carried him into a car, and frantically drove to a vet. In my dream I was crying so hard in the car, and even woke up crying. As far as I knew, Friskie had still been in good health. A day or two later, my mom called me and told me she had taken Friskie to the vet that day because he hadn't been doing well. He was having kidney failure and they were going to have to put him down. I know many would say that I had to have some kind of clue that he was getting on toward that time, but I really didn't.

Last summer I took the cats to the vet (this is an unrelated story) and saw a very odd "cat lady" there. I even blogged about her in my old MySpace blog. She had a blue tooth headset and two cell phones, and talked my ear off about what breed my cats were. Then she talked my ear off about her 12, yes 12, cats. You would think I would never see her again, except for maybe at the vet, right? Well she ended up being a patient of mine last month. I would have never recognized her until I had already given her chemo, taken out her IV, and and was ready to send her out- and she put her bluetooth headset in. The crazy cat lady I thought I would never see again ended up being my patient and even gave me a nick name and made me odd little crafts.

When I worked in the hospital I had the pleasure of taking care of a very cool woman. She was about 15 years older than me, but we would have been friends if we had been together in different circumstances. I would chat and bond with her when she was wide awake at night and she just had the best sense of humor. I knew she was a patient at a Beaverton clinic, so I knew that my chances of running into her again were very slim, but I have always wondered about her. Today at work, by mistake, our office received some kind of insurance approval/referral something regarding that very patient going on hospice care. She had never even been a patient at that clinic, ever, at any time; or under the care of any of our doctors working there now.

Whenever a person randomly pops into my head, or I have a weird dream- I always pray hard for that person. Whenever weird little "coincidences" happen, I am reminded that we DO live in a world that is in God's hands (yes, believe it or not it can be easy to forget!). Even if I were not a believer, it would be awefully hard to dismiss all of these things as "mere coincidences" or "simple accidents". Life is incredible.

A Tuesday House-Wife Day post

I love tuesdays. Today I slept in, worked out on the treadmill, showered and got all ready for my day, and then ran errands. I went down to Costco and got new sheets and all kinds of other stuff we needed. I then went to Stabucks to get some tea and thought that I should treat myself to a carwash. The little 'Beca was so dirty that I get grime on my hand when I shut the doors. Now a car wash is something I haven't experienced since I was a little girl with my dad. As I pulled up I really didn't know what to do. The teenage or young twenties man of many words (not) took my money, handed me a damp cloth, and went to get change. I was puzzled. For a second I thought that it was for my hands...but I knew that wasn't it. When he returned I kindly told him it was my "first car wash" and I didn't know what it was for. I hoped that he would smile and laugh and coach me through this, but no. He just told me it was for my dashboard. Right....dashboard! The rest of the experience was just as awkward. Like when I didn't realize I had to have my car in neutral for it to work. I felt like such a lamer! Buts its okay, because my car is now sparkling and looks new again! Afterward I went to Starbucks to pick up some tea and an americano. As the Barista was making my drink, a woman walked up, held up a pacifier and asked him if he would rinse it off for her! I was disgusted! Ever heard of a bathroom sink? Or even a cup of water so that this poor gentleman who is already busy doesn't have to touch your baby's slobber? That is so not his responsibility. The poor guy stammered, paused and reluctantly said"okay". I looked at the girl behind the cash register and we exchanged, "holy moly" looks with each other. It was not too long ago that I was a barista at Starbucks and I have not forgotten how people treat you with no respect. I have a few patients who treat me like their "sevant nurse" but they are actually sick, and always so appreciative, so I don't mind. Note to self: start tipping Baristas more.

Feeling insightful about the new year

Ah, what a glorious day. I vow to do some house work later, but for now I am enjoying sitting on the couch in my new bright pink sweat pants, cuddling with Nigel, watching the rain out the window, and watching Season 1 of the Simpsons (Christmas gift from Ross). I am also drinking a pot of coffee, even though it makes my stomach feel sour. Coffee is something I should truly cut out of my diet. For some reason I think I have more of an emotional attachement to it, rather that actually getting any benefit from drinking it. I also would like to cut social drinking out as well. Between parties, dinners with friends, Thursday night "The Office" night, I just feel like it adds up and probably isn't good for my body. Not making a big deal out of it, I'm just saying. I don't think there is anything wrong with having a couple drinks in moderation, but I feel like I am at a point in my life where I wish to cut that out. This year we plan on trying to get pregnant. Suddenly I realize that my body may be providing life and support to our son(s) or daughter(s). It puts everything into a whole different perspective. Its a little crazy because this all means that Ross and I are witnessing ourselves changing before our eyes. We made this decision so carefully and it feels so calculated. There are times we wish we were like every other person we know who just got pregnant without planning it. We have been married for almost 5 years, and have waited for multiple reasons; We wanted to have financial stability, we wanted time to grow our own bond and relationship and love for each other, and I think we just really did not feel mature enough. As the past year came to a close, I became very aware of my biological clock...wait do I have the whole clock factor if I'm only 25? Okay a better way to put it, is I became aware of my emotional family readiness clock. I feel like Ross and I are closer and stronger than we have ever been. We both finally came to a decision that having a family is the only thing that would make our lives better. Its hard to explain, but incredibly strong! It feels so weird to say and describe all of this. Again- couldn't I have just gotten pregnant accidentally? I feel silly for thinking so deeply about this. But I figure I may as well document my feelings. It will be interesting to read years from now when I am a completely different person and a mother.

I have a lot of fears of course. What if we have trouble conceiving, or what if I can't conceive? Now that I am ready for this, I am so ready that I am to the point of near obsession. I really don't want to be THAT woman, but I am! Hopefully this will be my first and last blog entry about obsessing about starting to try to conceive.

As I said before, its very strange to witness and "plan" for your life to change dramatically. I pray for wisdom and strength during this time. It scares me to know that we have been able to plan our lives this way. I don't know whether to be completely thankful for that, or to be a little scared that God will surely throw a curveball in here somewhere. I don't mean to say that God wants to come in and mess up our lives. I just know that often times He has plans that don't always line up with ours, but for very good reason. I am actually tearing up as I write this- am I corny or what?!

So here we go, 2009! Lets see what happens this year! ;)

I can be mean sometimes...

I would say that for the most part I am a pretty friendly person. There are times I find myself in situations that make me uncomfortable and I tend to just shut down and look at the floor, straight ahead, or anywhere other than making eye contact with someone else. I am not proud of this; I don't do this because I don't care about people. It's more that I have so many things on my plate that I sometimes just don't want to deal with random strangers. As I am writing this I realize just how aweful it sounds! So let me give a little example.

Clackamas Town Center Mall has about a bajillion little kiosks throughout the shopping center. T-moble, Tubberwear, random crappy hand lotion, Hermit Crab pets with painted shells, faux hair extensions, those little bags filled with corn and aromatherapy that you heat in the microwave and then wrap around your neck for your aches and pains....etc. I really hate these things, because they are generally unnecessary knick knacks or overpriced junk. In terms of the cell phones, I really hate being approached by them because I ALREADY have a cell phone. If anyone on the planet does not have one but wants one, they can visit a Verizon kiosk at their own free will. Making a trip from one end of the mall to another is like a round of dodgeball. I pretty much press up against the opposite wall and look at the floor to avoid eye contact. Once you make eye contact with these people, they flock to you like moths to a light. They are so desparate to make a commission; even stooping to criticizing my luscious wavy locks to sell me a hair straigtener (totally kidding about the "luscious locks" ;) . So anyway, I speed up my stride and look the other way, but sometimes they still come on over with the, "Excuse me miss. EXCUSE ME, Can I talk to you for a second?" and I just blurt out "NO THANKYOU" and scurry away as fast as I can. It's not very kind of me, I know. But I think that there is just about nothing I hate more than these high pressure sale sitations. It brings out the ugly side of me, as I mentioned before. Anyway, I guess I just had to make that little confession.

Fight

Well I am almost to that point that I can just laugh about a fight Ross and I had. Most of us married peeps don't like to talk about the bad times in marriage because it could make our marriage look bad. We're afraid people will say, "Wow- her husband is a jerk!" or "wow, I bet THEY are unhappy". It's my experience that people who say they never fight or never have hard times are either bored or LYING. I never blog about our fights for the same pride issue, and because it is actually very personal. I don't need to invite my friends and acquaintances into my marital 'tiffs. But I am going to share this fight with you, because it is even funny to me. It was not funny last night, but I already can see some humor in it...

I cut my bangs on friday. I just wanted a new look. Ross and I both bad busy weekends with a girls' night and a guys' night and practice with his band, so we hardly saw each other. He asked me to text him a pic on friday, so I did. No response. I know my husband, and the subtext of his lack of texting was- he didn't like it. I decided- that's okay! I like it, and he will get used to it. He did let me know the next day that he just didn't like the bangs part, but loved the rest of my hair. I was okay with that. So fast forward to last night. I have Tuesdays off, so we were going to go on a little date. I put on my new shirt, put on some make-up, and thought I looked pretty good. And dang it, I wanted him to tell me I looked good. (Now just as side note, I am bad about doing that whole woman thing where we expect men to read our minds and then get upset when they don't- and I'm working on that!). So anyway, he didn't compliment me, so I asked him to. Yes. I asked him to. I was being a silly woman, and wanted reassurance. He looked at my bangs (not at me) and said, looking kind of sad, "I just miss your old hair...The rest of you is beautiful but I just don't like the bangs". This is where things got ugly for a little bit, and I don't need to dish out the rest. I cancelled the date because I was upset. I was so hurt that me cutting my hair was such a big deal to him. He was slightly upset because I changed the way I looked and he liked the way I looked before. You know, like when a dad shaves his beard and the kids freak out and start screaming and crying. (By the way- I hope that blogging about this does not make my husband seem like a jerk- i guess that's the risk when blogging about this! I promise, he is very good to me :) So coming out on the other side of this, I realize why this is such a crisis. I am a woman who is sensitive about her looks and went a little ballistic that he didn't love it. He literally got sad and bothered that I "didn't look like his wife anymore" (which is a bit of an overstatement), and did not choose the best way to react. He sincerely apologized for hurting me. I still don't fully understand his angle, but I won't hold this against him. I guess he's never liked bangs.

The good news is that I like the bangs. They are a little shorter than what I wanted, but they will grow and be perfect in a week or two. The better news is that it is JUST HAIR. Every day I work with people fighting for their lives, and here we are fighting over bangs. For this, I am a bit ashamed. But hopefully there are people out there who can relate to me about fighting about the silly, meaningless things in life. Or maybe Ross and I are pathetic :)

The date is back on for tonight. I will be sure to style my bangs accordingly...and that is not swept off to the side, but proudly over my forehead for him to stare at all night ;)

BUGS!!!

I have a very real phobia for bugs. This somehow started when I was a young girl. I remember my dad being out of town one night and it was just my mom and I. I was probably 13 years old. I was asleep in my bed and heard something tapping against my wall. I turned on my lamp and discovered a HUGE mosquito eater flying into the wall repeatedly. The thing honestly had a wingspan of 3" (maybe?). I jumped out of bed, ran into the hall, slammed my door, and begged my mom to take care of it; however it was likely very late and she was sound asleep. The rest of this story is a blur. However, I do recall a very dramatic moment in which I covered myself from head to toe to avoid the bug from getting in my hair. I think I caught it and then mashed it with a fly swatter repeatedly in a fit of rage. I guess this has stuck out in my memory as a defining moment in my long history of bug hatred and phobia. I am sad to say that things have not changed a lot since then. I don't wear special outfits to kill bugs in, but the sight or thought of them make me nauseous. Ross' parents have a wonderful garden that yeilds many delish home grown veggies. I can't eat the broccoli, because little bugs just love to crawl into the little branches. I once found a little green worm and it was all over. The same thing goes with store bought organic produce as well- especially leafy greens.

This brings me to my latest crisis. I have discovered that there are these little beetles that get into your pantry and carpet- I can't remember what they are called, but I have found them in my mom's flour before. Appearantly they are very common; a lot of times when you buy flour, the beetle eggs or larvae are already in it, and they just hatch over time and then *poof*. You have little bugs in your flour. GROSS!!! I am wondering if anyone out there knows of these and if they have any recommendations. My flour appears to be safe (so don't be freaked out if I ever bake you anything). But I have found a couple here and there in my cupboards. I am very concerned about this, as you can imagine. On top of this madness, it is spider season. I feel like my house is a freaking bug farm. I need help!