Behind Closed Doors

Have you ever judged someone else's marriage? Have you had yours judged?

No, I didn't have some big drama situation in real life in which my marriage was judged (that I know of). But I just got to thinking that it wouldn't surprise me if people did think from time to time, "Man, they gotz issues!" (I've been all about the innappropriate "z" lately. It adds klass). I remember talking about this with a friend years ago, and the comment came up, "You can't judge someone elses' marriage. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors" (Deirdre, I think that was you who said that!).

Ross and I are very....expressive people. Yesterday I came home from work (Friday) and he had had a pretty rough day with our 11-month old daughter who refused to nap more than 45 minutes. He was being kinda a pill as a result, and I was being less than understanding. So we stood there and fought for about 30 minutes. What did we fight about? The fact that he didn't even begin to think about dinner (I don't expect a home cooked meal when I get home, but in our house, the person who stayed home that day is responsible for dinner in some shape or form- even if its fast food). I was hungry, so my blood sugar was low, and I was extra cranky. Hmm...what else did we fight about...Maddy not napping and his lack of getting anything done because of it; how he doesn't multi-task (which I NEED to get over, because appearantly men just don't do that). Here's how the "fight" ended:

"Okay, so we have frozen egg rolls and this polenta stir fry thing. Want me to heat it up?"

"Sure babe, that sounds great! Want a beer?"

"Yeah, thanks!" *gives a kiss* "So how was work today?"

And then we move on. It may sound dysfunctional to you, but thats how we operate. We almost just needed to get out our agressions from the week/day and then we could move on. We refrained from yelling, and during the "fight" I was making sure to keep my facial features "nice" and play with Maddy at the same time so that she wouldn't be upset or think anything is wrong.

I think when you're both splitting the task of working and caring for a baby, it is natural to want to snap at each other over little things. Luckily, I can take it just as well as I can chuck it (um, maybe a little TOO well ;) But the thing that saves us from being completely dysfunctional, is that we always keep it in check and recognize when we are being disrespectful or unfair. Apologies happen a lot. We're human, and we're passionate.

It has taken me an long time to learn that reasonable fighting is okay. I'm not talking about throwing stuff at each other (although in our first year of marriage I DID punch a hole in the cardboard thin door of our rental apartment...). But fighting, resolving the issue (eventually) and maybe, just maybe, becoming a stronger couple because of it...that has made our marriage better.

I don't remember seeing my parents argue much or fight. I remember them going into their bedroom and locking the door for a period of time. Now that I'm older, I understand they were either arguing or getting it on (which actually can go hand in hand). Anyways, as a result of never seeing them fight, I grew up thinking fighting was BAD. In my first serious relationship, we NEVER faught. Not once. I always thought that was great. But it wasn't. As the youngest/only child (all my sisters were grown and out of the house by the time I was 11) I definitely have always had a "I get what I want, one way or another" mentality, and I think my boyfriends knew that they were wise not to argue with me. Then Mr. Ross came along, and within two weeks of our first date, he showed me he wasn't going to have that. I remember us driving down Washbourne Ave in Klamath Falls, just leaving Schlotzky's Deli. He said something that dissatisfied me, and I started pulling the silent treatment/I'm mad at you routine; waiting for him to say "I'm sorry, anything you want Princess". That didn't happen. We had our first argument, and I said, "Fine then. So this is it? We're over?". He smiled, laughed, and said, "No! its just an argument, babe. Of course we're not breaking up".

Oh...Ar-GU-ment...what a novel idea! You mean, I don't just manipulate you with my mood to always get what I want? And...we can actually disagree about something and still be okay? WOW. I had never been with a person which such a passionate personality (believe me, sometimes it TOO much ;) and wouldn't put up with my crap. Even though our relationship isn't always smooth sailing, its honest and all out there in the open. I know dark secrets about him that no one else knows, and vica versa. Despite our imperfections and disagreement, we have learned to love each other deeply and know that even difficult times and terrible flaws can't break us up.

So friends- I apologize if you have ever felt awkward in a situation where you may have witnessed us bickering. If you do, just know that if we're bickering, that's our healthy way of working it out and we will probably be love and hugs 15-20 minutes later. Just wait it out. You'll know things are bad if we're NOT talking to each other :)