14 weeks

Age - 14 weeks

Weight - has now outgrown her 3 month old jammies- wearing all 3-6 or 6 month size clothing. Has little butt cellulite and it is way cuter on her than on me.

Sleeping habit - The past few days she has been going to bed about 7:30 and wakes up at 7am

Eating habits - the same- breastfeeding 6X a day

Cutest Moment of the Week - Oh my gosh, my mom got her a jumparoo for Christmas! We have to stack books under her because she is so little and her feet don't touch the floor yet, but there is no doubt she is ready for it. She had a blast in it yesterday. I hope to get a video of her up soon- its about the cutest thing ever!

Milestones - Being strong and steady headed enough to use a jumparoo- her first big toy

Firsts - Squeals with delight at daddy and mommy.

My Dear Madelyn:

We both cried a lot today. It was your first Christmas. Last night we spent the whole day in our house with your Grandma Martha and Aunt Emily and Uncle Daniel; Aunt Pam, and Uncle Allain; and your Grandma and Grandpa Steve joined us too. We had a wonderful time and you got a lot of gifts.

Today, the party continued and we spent Christmas Day at Grandma and Grandpa Lumsden's house. Great- Grandma Mary and Lee were there; as were Uncle Tom and Aunt Stephanie. You had a wonderful time, but you refused to take a nap. I think you didn't like to sleep in an unfamiliar area. Or maybe you were having too much fun. By 5:00pm you were exhausted and still couldn't sleep. You began to cry the kind of cry that makes your mom and dad really sad. So I took you in my arms to a dark quiet room and held and rocked you to sleep. You soon stopped crying and fell asleep peacefully on my chest.

Rather than set you down to sleep, I continued to hold you and rock you back and forth. I enjoyed it too much to set you down. It then occured to me that in just 4 days, I will be returning to my old job as a nurse. 3 days out of the week, I will be away from you for most of your waking hours during the day. The tears started coming, and they wouldn't stop. I went through ten tissues as I wept quietly at the reality of being away from you for so long. I thought about how I won't be able to hold you when you cry (if I'm at work). I thought about how some of our special nursing sessions will be replaced with a mechanical pump and plastic bottle; not you and I gazing at each other while you eat.

I cried like this for an hour. While I held you; we had switched places. Now I was the one crying and you were comforting me. Nothing felt better than to place my cheek against yours during this emotionally painful moment. Your dad came in and thought that something was wrong with you when he saw me crying so hard and holding you. As soon as I was able to express these feelings to him, I felt a little better. He told me that he will bring you to my work for me to feed you during my lunch break for the first few days. I am still sad about going back to work, but find so much comfort in knowing that your dad will be taking care of you. He loves you and I sooooo so much.

I realized that I may have been a little too emotional and dramatic about this. But no one ever could have prepared me for how much I love you. The past 3 months have been the most difficult, but even more joyous and rewarding than any other time in my life so far. I never in my life thought I would want to be a stay at home mom until the thought of being away from you brought this much pain to my heart. I know that I have to learn how to let go, because you will continue to grow up and I will have to say goodbye to you as you go to school and play with your friends. You will want to go to sleepovers; then eventually on dates. Then not too long after that you will leave home; and I will definitely have to let you go. I will probably cry this hard, if not harder.

I hope you always know how much your dad and I love you. I tell you every day, and I always will.

Conundrum

Email response from the gal who stood me up on a Craiglist meeting in which I was giving her 6 cloth diapers. She posted an ad on Craigslist asking for people to donate cloth diapers to her. We emailed back and fourth and decided on a meeting place at a Starbucks close to her home. I waited for 15 minutes before I had to leave for a doctor appointment. I left them with the kind people at Starbucks who were willing to let me leave a bag of diapers with them. I called and left her a phone message; then I emailed her and told her I left them there for her to pick up.


"I will go down there today! I hope they still has them. Sorry for not showing! I have so many things going on and no calender or or planner.I rememberd an hour to late. so so sorry. I'll let you know what happens."

To be honest I am really struggling with this. I need to remember that when I am doing a good deed, I need to not expect ANYTHING from the person who needs it. Its not for my satisfaction, but for the benefit of those who need it.

[my negative thoughts pour in] But I can't help but think that this is a very irresponsible person. If one is needy enough to ask for donations on Craigslist, then they better damn well show up to receive them. I feel as though she is such an irresponsible person, and that may be the reason she needs to ask for donations.

[Then I stop thinking that;realizing that I am not being loving as Jesus would be] And I think about how blessed I am to not be in her situation and how I NEED to reach out and love her; even though she may be irresponsible and stood me up. I do not know her pain and struggles.

Thoughts and emotional tug-of-wars like this occur in my mind all the time. I have a desire to help, but I feel like when I simply "give"; money, food, or objects; I get burned. Like when the "needy" man turned his nose up at the Thai food I offered him. Or when the man begging for bus fare ran into a mini-mart with the money I gave him to buy cigaretts.

I have no doubt that there are needy people out there, but I always seem to chose the wrong ones. Then again, maybe giving to them will set forth a necessary change in their hearts. I need to think this way so I don't be cynical about the importance of helping the needy.

No matter how difficult it may be, I can't forget how important it is for me to help others. I am too blessed on this earth to not share with those in poor life sitations. I need more stregnth and patience to do this.

12/13 weeks

oops! I skipped 12 weeks and so much has happened!

Age - 13 weeks

Weight - still don't know! is it bad that I don't really care?
i officially had to retire all her 0-3 month clothes and she is a happy little chunker- thats good enough for me :)
Height - see previous

Sleeping habit - still consistent; about 9pm to 8am; non stop. She hasn't woken up in the middle of the night since the day before Thanksgiving (knock on wood). Go Maddy, go!We are blessed.

Eating habits - usually eats @ 8am, 10:30ish, 1ish, 4ish, 6:30pmish, then 830 before bed. Breastfeeding only, still.

Cutest Moment of the Week - she has discovered "talking" in week 12 and talks up a storm now. Says "i-ee" when I say hi. Said "i-uh-ooo"; and we pretended she was saying "i love you"

Milestones - cooing "talking"

Firsts - rolls from back to side now (usually prefers her back). now she's all over the place. watch out!
'

seek advice, then just do what feels right

"Its psycologically damaging for babies to be left to cry!"

"You have to let babies cry it out- otherwise you will spoil them and they will manipulate you"

"Feed on demand"

"Feed on a schedule"

"Keep your baby awake all day, then they will sleep better at night"

"Babies need naps, then they will sleep better at night"

"Swings are for lazy moms. You should hold your baby all the time"

"Breast-fed babies shouldn't sleep longer than 5 hours without waking to feed"*


As a new parent, its easy to be persuaded by all the voices; and feel overwhelmed. Many well-meaning friends and relatives will quickly offer their opinion from their years of parenting wisdom, in an effort to help the new mommy. Books and parenting communities are even more opinionated and expressive. This new mommy used to take this advice, and then get extremely anxious if I didn't follow it correctly, or if it didn't work. I would think, "Oh my gosh, I have a colicky baby" and "I'm not a good mom".

I'm not getting down on the advice- I have actually received a lot of really great advice from people and books and am thankful for that. However, I have learned at everyone's experience is different, and what may have been right for one family is not necessarily right for another.

Here is what I have learned about Maddy- an extremely sweet and patient baby who was very sweet natured while Ross and I figured all this out:


*She NEEDS frequent naps during the day to be a happy baby. Very counter-intuitive, but effective

* A mixture of adequate naps and The Kiddopautomus SwaddleMe blanket (AKA cozy straight jacket for babies) was the key to her sleeping through the night (we went from 5 hours at a time to anywhere from 8-12 hours!

*At this point, there is no reason we should let her cry it out to go to sleep. As mentioned before, she sleeps through the night when held/rocked to sleep. Also, she doesn't cry very often. Sometimes it takes up to 30 minutes to soothe her to a deep sleep (last night it only took about 5 minutes), but it is worth it. I often catch her give a big smile as she drifts into her deep sleep, sometimes even accompanied with a giggle. That is definitly worth up to 30 minutes of my evening; especially if the result is a happy baby who sleeps through the night. She falls asleep with her mommy or daddy and sleeps all alone for 8-12 hours. Once she wakes up and needs us, we are there within a minute. Its a great mixture of independence and attachment.

*There are different cries. If she's just fussing, I let her fuss (unless its a hunger fuss or poopy diaper fuss). I usually figure out that its a "I just want you to hold me" fuss within a few minutes, and then will pick her up after a little bit. But I don't jump up everytime she lets out a whine.

*Sometimes, once she is soothed properly, I become too much of a distraction or stimulation. She doesn't need me to hold her 24/7- sometimes she needs to be in the swing or bouncer seat. I make a point to use the swing an average of once or less a day, but sometimes its what she needs. Hell, sometimes, its what I need!

*She latches and feeds way better than any other way with the side-lying hold. Then, football hold, THEN the most popular cradle hold.

*She seems happy sleeping in her crib at night. But once she wakes up and needs love/food (lately anywhere from 6am to 9am; usually 8am on the dot) she is in our bed with us. Mostly because I nurse her lying down and we just both fall back asleep that way! Also because I am too lazy to get up and put her back to sleep in her room. Thirdly, because I LOVE cuddling with her in the morning (I love my new freedom while she sleeps, but also miss her a little).

The most important thing I have learned lately is that Ross and I are doing a GREAT job parenting Maddy. She is so happy and knows she is loved. Our parenting style is a mixture of Dr. Sears' attachment parenting philisophy and more strict "Babywise" (Parent Directed/controlled) methods. Ask most attachment parenting proponents, and they will tell you that "Babywise" is evil.

But learning that our baby is happy and that we are doing a good job is WAY more important to learn than what Dr. Sears or some random mom on a parenting website says.

Listen to the wisdom of other moms (even though some can end up being toxic!). Then do what feels right and works for your baby, your husband, and yourself!

* I'm convinced this advice is only relevant to babies who aren't gaining weight steadily. I figured out my little girl eats 6 or more oz per feeding totalling approx. 36 oz a day which is well within the rec. range

Better Late than Never?

After following a friend's blog, I realized that I am NOT doing a good job documenting Maddy's milestones. I won't remember these things years down the road, so I am going to copy Alena's format and start documentin'!:

Age - Almost 11 weeks

Weight - oops, I don't know :) She was almost 11 lbs at her 2 month appt, and she has definitly started chunking out since then, so I'll guess 13 lbs

Height - She was 23" at said appt, but I know she is longer now. We even thought the nurse didn't measure her correctly, because she is one long baby!

Sleeping habit - 7 blissful nights in a row of sleeping 8-10 hours in a row, and in her own bedroom/crib! Usually goes to sleep between 9-10pm and wakes between 5-9am. If she stays swaddled, she sleeps longer, but she's outgrowing her current SwaddleMe. I DEFINITLY will buy a new one, since they seem to do the trick!

Eating habits - Still happily breast feeding, and we're so much better and more efficient at it these days. I now can simply slip a burp rag over my shoulder and NOT flash anyone while feeding her! Since sleeping through the night, she is consistenty taking 6 feedings in a 24 hour period. When I pump and feed, she appears to be eating 5-6 ounces per feeding.

Cutest Moment of the Week - HUGE flirty smiles. She's been smiling for a while now, but now she just charms anyone and everyone with her huge bright eyed gummy smiles. It makes me melt every time! And sometimes when she sneezes she yells, "Whaaaaaaaa!!!!-choo"

Milestones - really actually sleeping through the night w/o waking to feed 7 nights in a row. Sleeping in her own room.

Firsts - making more sounds with her little voice...and a new first for me? Getting 8 uninterrupted hours of sleep. Thats worth noting :)

Maddy's Picasa Web Album!

Maddy

Whoa, girl....Whoooaa.....

I need to just relax and stop wishing this pregnancy to end. I am at the 34 week mark and honestly could have 2 more months to go (if she came at 42 weeks!).

I am BIG. I grunt when I get up from a sitting or lying position. I have to put my feet up or they look like dinosour feet at the end of the day. And most recently...I have just discovered that I may not have full control of my bladder because my sweet daughter is squeezing the life out of it. I actually had to call my OB yesterday (my first weekend after hours call ever) because my mom and I were worried I was leaking amniotic fluid. NOPE! Just pee! Lovely. Sexy- Rowr!

My fingers look like sausages!

We were looking at some pictures from a couple years ago and I was longing for my old body. So thin and much tinier than it is now. I can't beleive I ever was unsatisfied with my body...how could I be so ungreatful??? Will I ever get it back???

Madelyn- so many wonderful friends and family have given you the most BEAUTIFUL and nice things at your baby showers. I have washed and folded them ALL for you and your nursery is all set. Your mommy and daddy (and Grandmas and Grandpa and aunties) are SO excited to hold you, and your aunties (and probably grandmas) will spoil you and probably give you whatever you desire. Doesn't that sound SOOOO nice? MUCH better than that stinky old uterus in there. Its a litttttle too early to come now, but don't you want to come earlier?? Like in 2-3 weeks?

Scratch that. I need to continue praying for patience and a healthy pregnancy. Patience mostly. Patience and wisdom; to have the ability to enjoy these last few weeks of it being just Ross and I.

Other details: Madelyn gets the hiccups just about once a day. She still likes to stretch out her little legs, as I frequently see and feel a foot on my right side. She seems to be measuring on time, and is very active.

I don't get it?

Since tonight is my "friday" (no work tomorrow) I am relaxing at home, watching my favorite show (Still Sex and the City- its the perfect DVD to put on when I'm folding laundry and sewing, which I am also doing tonight). I have taken breaks from those tasks to look at some of my favorite baby websites, which inevitably leads to me reading random blogs.

I am truly fascinated by the blogger women out there who make being a "Green Mama" such a huge part of their identity. They adorn their blogs and pages with little "badges" that proclaim: "Cloth Diaper Mama"..."Proud Green Mama"...I even saw one badge that advertised that she didn't feed her baby wheat or dairy. Okay....Some of these women also have multiple pictures of their cloth diaper collection and put lists about how many covers they have and what brand. I am not bashing these women, I guess I am writing about this because I don't quite understand it. I happily talk about these subjects with other women I know who are cloth diapering, but I can't see myself advertising it or writing about it that much. Maybe its one of those things I won't understand until the baby is here? I don't know. Part of me wants to say that perhaps there is just a little too much free time going on there. But then that would be judgemental. Would it? Well I don't WANT to sound that way...moving on...

While we have some "bumps in the road", I want to express first how blessed we are right now with we are provided for and how healthy the pregancy has been.

-I had a scare with my Gestational diabetes testing but I passed the three hour test. The whole experience, however, did reveal that I do need to watch my sugar/carb intake, which is good for Madelyn and I anyway.
-I am well into the third trimester (30 weeks) now and am doing quite well! I still love her kicks, and all of my symptoms are very normal. My blood pressure is outstandingly low.

In the end, can I really ask for more than a healthy me and baby? Well...yes. But I'll make it quick:
Ross is still on the job hunt and it is frustrating for everyone. I do feel bad for him because he hates being at home. He WANTS to be at work and to be the breadwinner. I am getting tired of being the breadwinner...and just getting plain tired. This is a challenging time for us but I am convinced that God is helping to build our character(s). As I was driving to work today I thought about how even though life hasn't always been perfect and easy, I have gotten everything I wanted and needed so far. This is a good lesson in patience and gratitude for everything we do have.

Okay, so that wasn't very quick :) But right now I am playing with a little foot that keeps sticking out on my right side. Its so cute!

Okay, I am going to go back to sewing some reusable baby wipes. Sorry, no "Cloth Baby Wipes Mama" badge or pictures to follow;)

What a smart husband!

It has been amazing to see how Ross and I have grown as individuals through nearly 5 years of marriage. Neither of us are perfect, but we have certainly accomplished a lot and have become much better people in that time span. It has taken counseling, prayer, and patience; but that has paid off 100x over.

I always used to be the patient calm one, while Ross tends to be more of a...um, firecracker? (for lack of better words). During this pregnancy, he has really grown to be a good support for his crazy hormonal wife. As I mentioned before, I have already begun "nesting". I used to be much more relaxed but I am becoming very strict on the cleanliness of the house amd obsessing about "clutter". I am convinced everything needs to be put into some kind of container, and Ross thinks I am going nuts.

This morning I wanted to make apple streudel to use up some apples before we go to Hawaii. As I started peeling and slicing the apples, I saw a big black ant run across our kitchen counter near our sink. I eventually saw about 4 more. Because of my bug anxiety I put my baking on hold and did a major cleaning of the sink, counters, dishes, etc; massacring a couple more ants on the way. I then washed up and continued with baking. I neglected to realized (after I started make it) that 1) we had no brown sugar and 2)i only had one up of flower but I needed 2. This is about when I lost it. Ross came to the rescue and gave me a big hug, saying "Come on now, lets lower that blood pressure". Then he was very thrifty; suggesting we mix white sugar with the molasses flavored syrup we had. I looked it up and it was in my cookbook's "emergency substitutions". He then put Nine Inch Nails on the sound system so I could listen to rage filled music to go along with my current mood.

I'm sure you feel very sorry for my husband now, but I promise I'm not like that all the time. I am recognising my, "psycho-ness" and trying to tame it as much as I can.

More Blessings

21 weeks pregnant: I'm enjoying every minute. Several times during the day, Madelyn (yes the spelling changed, per Ross) kicks up a storm. Sometimes when I'm at work sitting and charting, it startles me so much that I jump a little. When I am laying down at home it is instant happiness for me. Even Ross gets to feel her kick from time to time. I am so happy and feel so blessed to have a healthy little kicker. As I thought, my OB does not think my placenta will pose any danger in the pregnancy or delivery. He will probably check it again later in the pregnancy, but he felt it wasn't in the danger zone.

Ross had a phone intervew yesterday that went very well; in fact he has a second interview next Tuesday! Keep those prayers coming; we are really excited about this! And for my own selfish reasons, I am dreaming of the joys of not being responsible for financially supporting our family once our baby arrives. As for more important reasons, I think Ross is really excited about this job possibility and that it will suit him well. We will see.

Work is going well. I love my job more and more every day and am so glad to be working there. I am a little overwhelmed as I prepare for Madelyn's arrival, as well as adjusting to my already changing life. My home has become much more of a priority lately. #1) I am really sensetive to smells, so I cannot deal with any odors and am cleaning much more frequently. Reason #2) I am completing as many projects as I can to improve the appearance. I don't want our home and yard to look like trash once I am sleep deprived and unable to be as ambitious as I am now, and #3) In approximately 4 months, there will be a baby living here, and she needs "stuff". I have never even babysat before, so I have been starting from scratch.

What my body is doing: I looked down in disgust at about 10 pairs of jeans in my closet that do not even come close to fitting. This is not a vanity thing, I am NOT upset that my body is changing. It is just discouraging when you want to wear an outfit with jeans but can't because both of the 2 pairs that fit are in the laundry. I know, boo hoo. I had to buy another new bra and you would not believe what size I am even if I told you! This is one side effect I will be sad about losing. Other than those, the rest of me is pretty much the same. The nasty breakouts are getting better with my mixure of Aveeno, tea tree oil, and Frankincense oil. My love handles and belly itch all the time from my skin being stretched. My feet get swollen by the end of the day and putting my feet up is my new favorite activity. I eat watermelon like there's no tomorrow. My nails have never been so healthy! I just feel really good. Everyone says this is the golden stage of pregnancy. As long as Maddy and I stay healthy I guess I don't have too much to complain about!

Its a Girl! Little Madeline!

19 weeks:
I had a 2nd trimester ultrasound on Monday. What an experience! I made sure to not touch a drop of caffiene or a speck of sugar that day, after how crazy the little baby was at my 15 week ultrasound. That definitly helped a little bit, but our little daughter was still kicking. She yawned about 6 times during the photo shoot, that we could see. It was pretty cute, I must say! She was being modest and hiding her booty behind my belly button (which apparently casts a shadow) but our ultrasound tech was able to give us a pretty good determination that she's a girl. Which lines up with Dr. Tan's [most recent] guess, so a girl it is. At the end the tech turned on the 3D image which is just amazing. I got to see my little girl's face, ears, eyelids, nose, mouth, everything. She was grasping the umbilical cord like a security blanket, yawning, turning, and sucking her thumb. I've never seen anything so cute. I am starting to really love this little girl! I know it seems like a no duh thing to love your baby growing inside you, but everyone knows there is a different kind of love when you actually see and interact with someone. Sure, this may just be pictures and nothing like when she comes out into the world, but I am definitly experiencing a new love I haven't felt before. I actually feel like my world would crash if anything happened to her, and I would do ANYTHING to protect her if she were in trouble. It's very intense and I have had a very emotional few days as I have come to realize this.

Last night I had a little [hormonal induced?] breakdown as I tried to figure out what carseat, stroller, and diapers to use for Madeline. Ross hugged me and reminded me that she could sleep in a wicker basket, just as long as she had her parents to take care of her. There was a heck of a lot of wisdom in that. I'm glad Ross is patient with me and supportive. He is thrilled to have a daughter, and I know they will have such a special bond.

Another example of my no-help worrying: My ultrasound revealed a low lying placenta- only about 1cm from my cervix. The tech said this usually corrects itself as the uterous grows onward and upward. Madeline appeared healthy and everything seems fine other than that. Chances are, IT WILL BE FINE. But what do I do? I go and research the topic and read about emergency c-sections, placenta previa, and premature births due to complications. NO No NO. I will find out more from my OB on Friday. Until then, please keep us in your prayers.

I will sign off with a picture of my beautiful daughter. I know, I know 3D image ultrasounds can be scarey- especially at only 19 weeks. But here is the picture that made me really fall in love. It may be hard to see, but she's clutching the umbilical cord up by her mouth. By the way, we have a video that the tech burned us of the ultrasound, and from the side, I think Madeline has my nose. Poor girl :)

Its been a while!

I have to be honest...a lot of my internet time has been spent on a pregnancy website that has message boards. I have been learning a lot on there and its a good place to vent about all thats going on with my body too :) I am DONE with the icky nausea! It started to wane about 3-4 weeks ago and this past week I can say its totally gone now. In fact I have been eating like a piggy! That needs to stop, I need to just be sensible about things or I will become quite the cow. So far I am on schedule with my weight gain. I am only about 1-2 lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight, but I lost 5 lbs in the first trimester. So its safe to say I'm catching up!

The latest developments are that I have popped a little belly (kind of- it gets more noticable with food) and I can feel baby flutters! My first official one was about a week ago. A week before I kind of felt something, but wasn't 100% sure if it was baby or gas. Now its a lot easier to distinguish. I get so happy everytime I feel one, because I feel like our little son or daughter is saying hello to me.

The sex of little babe is still unknown; at our 15 week check up the baby was moving, bouncing, and wiggling around so much that our doctor couldn't get a clear shot! We were so amazed to see how active the baby was.

I had an amazing experience at Target in Gresham today. They had a better maternity section than the Clackamas Target, which meant a nearly untouched clearance rack. I got 2 dresses, a pair of pants (that actually fit) and about 7 shirts for a steal. My clothes are starting to not fit so well...so it will be a releif to wear clothes that aren't too short or tight.

16 weeks 4/13




4 weeks 1/19

The Rumors are True...

I have been anxiously waiting and waiting for the 12 week mark. Everyone said that by this time the nausea should wane and the energy should start to climb back up. I am so thankful that this appears to be true for me! Today I spent 2 1/2 hours browsing Nordstrom Rack and enjoyed every minute of it, and then enjoyed a great spaghetti and salad dinner. I also just enjoyed my first (decaf) latte in about two months. I'm back, kids! Bring on the fat!

I just got myself a Bella Band at Target. Its this little white stretchy thing that kind of looks like a tube top; but you can unbutton your pre-pregnancy jeans and cover the top with this band and it keeps them up (and covers the obvious unbuttoned look). This thing is awesome. Its the first time in ages I've been able to wear some of my more fitted jeans without having muffin tops! It just looks like I'm wearing a long white tank underneath my shirt (which I usually do anyway). I may keep this thing around for after the pregnancy; just when I feel a little poochy.

In other good news, we did get that temporary intrest rate reduction on our home loan, which saves us a hefty little chunk of cash each month. Halleluja!!!!! Ross is still job hunting and has his sites set on a certain company. Please keep him in your prayers.

Well its approaching 8:00pm, so I need to start thinking about bed in the next hour or so. Tomorrow looks to be a slow day at work, so I need the extra sleep to keep me awake.

Phinally some Photos

Grr...I wish I knew how to make this look really nice and put captions on each separate one! Is blogger not so user friendly or I am too lazy to figure it out? Okay so you just get one caption:

Top 2 photos: 3/11/09- 11 weeks along. "His"? little head is on the right- see the little nose? The white thing right above the nose is actually its little right fist. He was either punching or giving us a thumbs up, "Nice work, guys". The second picture is just more close up, but I just love the little chicken legs! (Left side of baby)
Third from top: 2/10/09- Little baby at 7 weeks and my first OB visit. The little heart flickered away on the screen as we stared in awe; wondering how something so tiny could cause so much suffering (and yes, joy).
Bottom: 1/19/09. My third positive pregnancy test. I had taken tests on 1/15 and 1/16but those results were undecided (incredibly faint line); which I later learned is still a big fat positive.

These pics are captured by our crappy 6 year old digital camera, so they are a little blurry. I will actually scan these at some point to get better quality.

OBSESSED

I got to see my little baby again yesterday and it was just so amazing! My doctor performs the ultrasound right in the exam room while I have my appointment, so we spent a good twenty minutes watching the little "guy" and looking at "it" from different angles. I am officially in love. Not that I was indifferent about the baby before, but this time I got to see way more that a little blob with a flickering heart (which my mom reminds me "a little blob is a baby too!"). I saw a nose and chin, an arm that took a swing and looked like it punched at us, little legs that kicked like they were riding a bicycle, and even a little "swimming" around. It is something I have never experienced before and I can't stop thinking about it! I am already becoming an obnoxious proud mommy and showed the pictures and have told this story about a dozen times already. But I just can't help it! This is the highlight of my life right now- between my fatigue and job uncertainty (hubs) we have this wonderful bundle of joy to make us happy.

Ross found a letter today when he was cleaning the house. I had written it to him in 2005 when we were still newly weds. I think we had just had a big fight and had made up, and I wrote him a long letter about loving him unconditionally and having faith in our committment to each other. It was actually pretty powerful for us both to read, and to think about how far we have come since then. Wow.

And now here we are. I am actually supposed to be taking a nap before we go to our friends house, but I got distracted by the 'ole computer again. I'll probably end up falling asleep on their couch :)

A blog from this arctic blast of a living room

We are using practically NO heat now to save money. Only intermittently using the fireplace. This is the part I hate. I can be good and save money. I can bargain shop for groceries, I can go without my "shopping fixes"....but I HATE sacrificing comfort. Ross and I are different in terms of our ideas for cutting costs. In my opinion, we should never have to go without heat unless we are practically homeless. Ross is firm that we should go without heat and other luxeries so that we will NEVER be practically homeless. He is probably the right one. Bummer. Pardon me for being a spoiled brat, but I just hate being cold on top of tired and nauseous (but only a little nauseous these days, at least!). All this makes for one crabby mamma to be.

As you can probably tell from the tone of this blog, I am bummed. I normally would be fine, but I think the pregnancy hormones are gettng the best of me. I have been taking it out on Ross terribly, and I'm surprised he's taking it the way he has. Probably because I usually follow it up with a hug and "I'm sorry for being mean, I'm sorry"...you know, like a wife beater does :)

Wells Fargo has been very difficult about giving us a better rate on our mortgage. First they told us we made too much money for a rate decrease. So when we sent them our updated stats, they had the nerve to say, "Uh, now you don't make enough money...forclosure may be the only option". What!?!?! And they won't count unemployment as income either; so they are very much assuming we can't make our mortgage payment- which couldn't be farther from the truth. What about people who are responsible and plan ahead or have the means to have a savings account for situations like this? I guess that doesn't count for anything. I will work overtime and sell my left pinky before we would ever forclose on this house, so thats not the concern here. But then at that point they still aren't going to help us out. Lame. They are handing out lower rates to everything that breathes and we cannot get any help at all. Then again, Ross and I are both able bodies with college degrees that can work, so I shouldn't complain too much. Its just frustrating to be told that foreclosure is even an option. Just saying the word "foreclosure" raises my heart rate.

Annnnyyyway...I officially feel like a big complainer. But it does feel good to get it all out. I'm whining because we had to turn the heat off and I don't know when I'll have extra spending money again. How ridiculous is that? Very ridiculous, in the grand scheme of things. There are people out there sleeping on the sidewalk at this very moment. I need to get a grip.

Its my day off-tuesday,and I slept for 12 hours last night. It felt so good I could do it again! The nausea is getting much, much better which helps me see a light at the end of the tunnel for this first trimester. Two more weeks and I will officially be in the second trimester- when the growing begins. I still don't look pregnant at all, except for when I pooch my stomach out after a meal from all the gas. My babe is about 1.5 inches long or so, and we get to see him or her again tomorrow!

I just want to throw him out the window

Sometimes I get really sick of my cat, Nigel. He constantly wines and would eat 24/7 if he had his way. Then when WE'RE eating he wants to jump on our laps and cuddle. If there is no food in his dish, and he don't respond to him immediately, he eats any peice of dirt or fuzz he can find on the floor, which often leads to him puking on the rug or carpet. Not on the hard floor which is easier to clean, but always on a rug.
The worst part to this is, when I yell at him for being annoying (and naughty), I see and hear myself yelling at our kid(s) when they get older and do something bad, and I HATE the way it sounds. If I want to toss an annoying cat out the window, will I be okay when a baby never stops crying? I know a baby is not a CAT, but sometimes I get scared and wonder if I'll be a good parent.
On to more exciting things...we are going to Hawaii in May! We're going for Lisa and Tim's wedding but we'll stay an entire week. I thought we weren't going to be able to afford it, but a time share opened up for the week of the wedding. We own a timeshare and can exchange it for pretty much anywhere in the world- but it seems like you usually have to book it 2 years in advance to get the time and place you want. We have been really frustrated with it, but it is finally paying off! So we get to stay in a resort in Kauai for about 20$ a day. Then we found ultra cheap plane tickets for they days we were going, so clearly it was meant to be. I hesitated momentarily d/t to the job loss situation, but I felt so strongly that we need to do this. Who knows when we would ever get to go to Hawaii again (for so cheap at least). I'll be 5 months pregnant,super white pale since I can't go tanning, and will have to drink virgin mai tais, but who cares :) If anyone has been to Kauai and has any restaurants or activities to recommend, please do!

The bump in the road I sadly was halfway expecting

Ross lost his job today. The small company he worked for had to lay off 1/3 of their employees due to how bad business has been. This has been in the back of our minds for a while now- since the economy has tanked. Amazingly enough, we both feel okay. Ross received huge amounts of praise from his former boss and president of the company. They even said that if things got better, they would call him and love to have him back. I honestly feel bad for the president of a company like this- HAVING to lay people off and watching your business fail. Its just a bad situation all around. The only part of this that made me cry is thinking about Ross's co-workers who are already fathers and are the main providers for their family. Here are the reasons Ross and I are taking this better than I ever thought we would:

1) First and foremost, we both have this amazing, surprisingly strong amount of comfort that God is taking care of us, He will provide and protect, and we will be okay.
2) I have an amazing job that pays well and has outstanding benefits. I can insure Ross and myself for about 12$ a month. As a registered nurse I will always have a job (unless my fingers get chopped off...but then I could always still do phone triage :)
3)If we need more $, I can go back to working 5 days a week instead of 4.
4) We tried to refinance our home to get a better rate for our mortgage. The other day we were told we do not qualify unless we can prove we are in financial hardship. Hmmm...daddy lost his job with a baby on the way? I think we qualify :)Which leads me to another silver lining...We have to send the bank my last two paystubs so they can see what I make (as I am now the sole provider)
5) My last two paystubs were smaller than usual because I took a couple days off and I don't have PTO yet. So that will help us to qualify for help and get a lower mortgage rate.
6) We were blessed with a very hearty tax refund this year! I was going to save it for maternity leave, but we can use it while Ross finds a new job
7) Ross received a severance check which included his vacation time, and it was for more than a month's pay.
8) They made his official termination date March 1 so he is still insured through March.
9) We've been through this before...about 4 years ago when were were already a lot worse off financially. We made it through that one. I believe we have the wisdom, faith, and support from family to make it through again.
10) He should qualify for unemployment.
11) Ross is highly skilled and educated, and has a very diverse, unique, and desirable skill set. Not to mention a stunning personality and handsome face :) He is very hirable. I know it won't be easy to find a job during this time, but he will.


Pray mostly for Ross- that he not be discouraged and is able to find a new job that fulfills him and provides for our family. Maybe even a better job so I won't have to alway be a working mommy? :) He actually is doing well. His lay off had nothing to do with perfomance and everything to do with the company failing, and he understands that.

Our sweetie in the womb is almost 10 weeks old and we are still as thrilled as ever about having a little baby. My nausea has leveled out and maybe even improved slightly. Still there though. I won't go into any details, but sadly I won't be able to eat lasagne or strawberries for a while (hopefully not forever!) My mom to this day hates curry, because once when she had pregnancy nausea they lived next to a Thai couple who always had curry smells coming from their home. (Notice I call it pregnancy nausea and not "morning sickness". I am boycotting the name "morning sickness", its so misleading.)

I should go to enjoy the evening with my hubby. We are cooking leftover pizza under the broiler, watching a movie, and cuddling next to the space heater to save $$ on heating the place :) We're going to be alright!

"I have to admit its getting bettah..."

Today just felt glorious for me. I didn't hurl this morning during my shower (isn't that weird? Almost every morning during my shower, I have to puke, and then shower sitting down so I don't faint. Its so pathetic!). But today I took a shower STANDING up without interruptions! Then I ate a good breakfast of an entire ruby red grapefruit (not just half) and yogurt, and a big turkey sandwich for lunch. A very good day indeed. Yesterday was okay, so I am thinking that either a) I'm just getting used to this first trimester junk and have learned to adapt or b) I have just been lucky these last couple days. (Then of course there's c)- the fear in the back of my mind that something went wrong with the pregnancy...but there's no need for me to obsess about that. No. I obsess about bad stuff way too much as it is!). Any way you look at it, its good, because I am tired of being a whiney little bee-yotch. The faitgue is becoming more acceptable; I just have allowed myself to lay down and nap whenever I please (except at work- although its not too far fetched condidering we have recliner chairs and warm blankets.)
I know I have said this before, but work has been wonderful for this time in my life. Not only am I surrounded by such supportive and helpful ladies at work, but my patients are just amazing people. A lot of them deal with nausea, vomiting, and fatigue, but they are fighting for their life. It puts my symptoms into perspective, and helps me to stop focusing on myself and my nausea (or "Our Nausea" as Buster would refer to it. 50 points if you get that joke.)
On Wednesday night, Ross really wanted me to go with him to Best Buy, because him and I don't get to spend that much quality time together (when not working, I'm usually sleeping). He lured me with the promise of getting me a Rodeo Cheeseburger from Burger King, so I came. I could only eat half of it, but it was worth it. I felt so white trash in my little mismatched hoodie, yoga pants that are a little too long for my short legs, and house slippers. Not to mention the Burger King Soda in my hand. It was pretty great. But the evening only got better when we had to stop at "Geek Squad" inside Best Buy to discuss our faulty DVD player. The guy helping us was as pleasant as could be, but he had this presumably fake British accent that kind of came and went as he gave us his spiel on the DVD player. Ross and I later giggled about how he broke character more than a few times. It was an entertaining Wednesday night.

Well now I am feeling a little guilty for not doing a little work on my disgusting kitchen, or cooking a little something for dinner. Man, it will be hard once this baby comes into the world and I won't be able to get out of house work and chores. I may update later with "Belly pictures". (Just for fun, since I'm not supposed to be showing yet. But I am a little more poochy than normal from my uterus growing to acommodate the new one AND all that gas. Ah, the gas. Its hard to act like a lady with all this gas! Too much info? Gas gas gas gas gas!)

"Can't I just immigrate until the 2nd trimester?"

...I said this last night and had meant to say "hibernate" until 2nd trimester but I am clearly delerious. I'm suspecting that my prenatal vitamins are causing me more sickness than the pregnancy alone, so I am going to look into flinstone vitamins (I heard that ladies can have two of those to make up for the necessary stuff).

Ross had two wisdom teeth pulled yesterday so we are sitting at home today, cleaning the house bit by bit. We are a pretty pathetic pair. Later we will head down to Eugene to be pathetic at my mom's house. Ross is actually doing really well- no pain and hardly any swelling! He just feels cruddy because he can't have solid foods. Last night I discovered Ben and Jerry's "Imagine Whirrled Peace" and felt like I went to heaven. It was the first time I had enjoyed food in the last two weeks! I ate about half the little container and then went to bed a happy woman.

something to share...

Watch this to see how I feel at this time:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rJ3Y0TOyfE

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Just kidding! I was looking up "7 weeks ultrasound" on youtube so I could get an idea of what I would see at our appointment. This showed up and I almost puked...for the second time today that is.

So the ultra sound went great! I didn't let Ross take pictures because it was an intra-hoo-hoo ultra sound. I was not going to show off pictures of me wearing a paper sheet. But it was so amazing to see our little baby! I'm sure most would think it looks like a blob, but I see a baby when I look at it. I'm so proud of our little booboo. The heart was beating nice and fast as it should. Dr. Tan is pleased that I am feeling all those "wonderful" symptoms (bad symptoms = good pregnancy???) and assured me that they should go away in 4-6 weeks. Due date according to the ultrasound measurements is 9/26/09; according to LMP 9/30/09.

After the appointment Ross and I walked down the hall to my office and shared the news. It was SOOO fun to finally get to just tell people and be excited about it and not scared. I see the women in my office every day, and its nice to not be hiding it anymore. A couple of them were suspicious :)

I'll post a picture when I have it scanned. I also want to post a video from Ross's show too! I have got to learn how to be more savvy with this blogging thing...

I am thankful, I am thankful, I am thankful...

I have read blogs of other pregnant women and I don't remember them complaining so much. I am working really really hard to stay positive. I need prayers, and tips for dealing with the queasies and the fatigue. Part of it I think is just understanding my limitations. I feel like it is not okay for me to not make dinner. Not because of Ross...he has been very understanding and helpful...but I have been putting that guilt on myself. I pretty much get home from work, shove something in my mouth (usually a cup-of -noodles and a small bag of baby carrots or fruit) and then by 9pm I'm ready for bed. My mom told me that I am doing enough by just going to work 8 hours a day and I shouldn't expect any more of myself. I just miss being Ross's wife who cooks and does fun stuff in the evenings. I told him I was worried he didn't like me anymore and he told me I was being silly. He loves that I'm growing his baby. Awe.

Interestingly enough work has been great. Keeping busy helps, and it also helps that I love my job, my patients, and the people I work with. So I am so thankful for that. I also have to keep reminding myself that I WANTED this! I made this happen. In fact, a mere two weeks ago I even kind of "wished" for some nausea just so I would know I was really pregnant. I could kick myself for that!

Well today should be good. I think I just need to make myself a simple list of "goals and reasonable expectations" so I don't get dissapointed. This morning I made smoothies for breakfast. Ross and I are going to go for a walk to Safeway in about an hour or so. Then I will take a shower (yeah, I got a late start today). Then I will make homemade bread and soup for late lunch/early dinner, and then go to Ross's concert tonight and try to stay awake the whole time.

What a difference a few days can make...

I feel so foolish for saying, "I'm not even that nauseous, pregnancy isn't so bad!" in my last post. Its almost as if the "morning sickness fairy" heard me say that and decided to come down and tap me with her wand. Only that bitch isn't only here in the morning. She stays all day long. Sorry for the bad language on my baby blog but I am irritated! I am not hurking yet, I just constantly feel like I am going to. Yesterday I was a bad mother and thought for a minute that 9 months of this is just too much, and wished for a second that I wasn't doing this. Ambivalence at its best. Then I thought of my little pea-sized angel in there. And how my body only feels this way because it has to in order to make a good home for him or her.

Well its 10am on tuesday morning and I've been dissapointingly unproductive. All I have done this morning is watch TV and eat a peice of toast. As soon as I drink some much needed fluids I will go for a little walk on the treadmill. Then I want to find a store around here that sells "Preggo pops". Its this brand that makes candy with ginger and other things that naturally help with nausea. Our office had a few samples of "Queasy drops" which are pretty much the same thing (made by the same brand), since a lot of my patients deal with nausea. No one was using them, so I tried one out and it kinda helped for a little while! So I have got to find me some of those...

So that is my update....despite my complaining, all is well. I know the nausea should wear off by the second trimester, so I have about 6 weeks of this left. I better get used to it or it will be a long 6 weeks! Ultrasound is in 1 week! Keep us in your prayers.

You won't even believe how sexy I am right now...

I am in the 6th week of my pregnancy now. I mostly look and feel the same- only I have gas coming out my ears, blemishes all over my face, and I am just a little queasy in the morning and if I eat a big meal. Then of course the aformentioned growing boobs and having to sleep 10 hours a day. If this is pregnancy, I don't mind it so far (except for gas and blemishes, but thank goodness for BareMinerals foundation powder, and at least I'm not puking my guts out)! Maybe I'm being naive and will hate the world for the rest of the year, but I read that those symptoms are usually into full swing by week six. I'm really loving this. Ross has been super sweet and attentive about my very mild symptoms. I'm a happy girl. Only 11 days until the Dr.'s visit, where we can hopefully see baby heart beating. I have some good prayers praying for this little baby, and I need to be doing more of that, too!

Ross has a show next weekend, and I hope I have fun. Its kinda weird to go to some of these things without having a couple drinks. I know that sounds funny, and probably a little alcoholic-like...but I'm sure many would understand what I'm actually trying to say. I don't know, you go to a bar, listen to music, talk with friends...I've just gotten used to really enjoying a drink in that atmosphere. I guess I better get used to having a baby in my hand insead of a drink. Fear not everyone, I take my baby over a drink any day. Even a great glass of red wine or a crisp gin and tonic with extra lime. Time to go make myself another virgin bloody mary (I've had about 5 or 6 of those in the past week and a half).

I should change the name of this blog to: "Inside the head of an obsessing newly pregnant woman". By the way, I'm reading the book up there. I love it! I recommend this to any obsessing pregnant girl like me (or even the non-obsessers).

donuts with pink frosting and sprinkles

It has been an interesting week. I haven't been very busy, so obviously this has given me more time to obsess. Work was super slow last week. I almost feel like God set all of that up to give my body and mind all the time it needs to rest and just realize everything thats going on. It still hasn't hit me completely. Today I went through a period where I thought I am just not ready for parenthood and wished for a second that I could go back and wait a little longer. But the little babe (which I understand is about the size of an apple seed right now) has definitly made its presence known. Today Ross informed me that my, um, chest has inflated a little bit. Sweet. Very sweet of him to notice :) And I already can't eat some of my favorite things anymore. I got a Costco sized bag of Tims Cascade Jalepeno chips and was only able to eat 1 small bowl (I can usually devour those things until the bag is half empty and my scalp is tingling from all the spice). Even that made me sick all evening. Did I mention the sleeping? I sleep about10 hours a day now (used to be 7)...and am EXCITED to go to bed around 9:30 on week nights. Its amazing to know that I can already feel different from such a tiny little being. I have read that these things are all normal. Appearantly this is a very crucial time for little Pat, because all of its organs are forming around this time. Again; maybe this slow week is a blessing. I'm actually not complaining, I'm just in awe of all of this. I have never been pregnant before, so I'm just soaking all this in. Ross and I are amazed at how our little one is already making changes :)

I have been craving fettuccini alfredo, spicy tomato juice, and donuts with pink frosting and sprinkles. I have been avoiding the latter because I don't need to become a cow just yet. In fact, the tomato juice is the only real odd craving- I think I'm just using pregnancy as an excuse for the other two :)

Inaugeration day rant

I am excited in a way. Barak Obama is being inaugerated today as our president. He is my president and I support him. I applaud President George W. Bush and am happy for him that he gets to wash his hands of the past 8 messy years. So thats it. It is what it is.

One thing that irritates me are that people are still getting in their last jabs at him. On Facebook people are joining ridiculous little facebook clubs:, "Who's happy to see George Bush out of the White house? I AM!" or changing their status to critisize the guy- once again. I want to change my facebook status to, "Amy thinks people should stop their catty little one liners against George W. and just be happy that the guy they voted for is being inaugerated today". But I won't. People who's comments that say how excited they are and how they are throwing parties are great. It excites me to see people happy about their president. I really do enjoy that part of it, for real. But the thing I have been most excited about since Barak won the election is that the complainers would stop their whining! Act like adults, people!

There, I said it.

and yyyeeep. Still obsessing.

...and for good reason. I had a teeny tiny bit of spotting, so I called my OB/GYN. I figured I should ask what the heck is up with the faint lines anyway. Basically, the Dr. told me that I should take another test in a week, but, um... congratulations. Crazy obsessing girl over here could NOT wait a week, so I took a test when I got home from work. Yep. Definitly two lines. Even a little darker this time. This is a total of 2 possibly positives and 1 definitly positive. I'm....preg...nant. I'm pregnant!

I haven't even said the words out loud yet. Us women are supposed to wait anywhere from 8-12 weeks before we start telling people (supposedly). Frankly, Ross and I are both kind of stunned. We just started "not exactly trying but not exactly preventing" a month ago. We seriously thought it would take longer than that! I feel like its not for real until I tell people, but at the same time I understand why I shouldn't tell people yet. It is so early and so much can go wrong. But the fact is that if I miscarry I will be devastated. And those closest to me will find out sooner or later. I'm thinking we'll start with our parents and see how that goes. I unfortunately will have to tell my boss as early as I feel comfortable doing so- just to make sure I never get in a sitation where I will have to mix chemo.
When studying OB in nursing school, i remember learning about fathers being ambivalent about pregnancy. Ross is definitly ambivalent. Last month when it was all fun and trying and dreaming about having kids "someday but soon", he was super sweet and said cute little things about "maybe making a baby". Since we have discovered our news, he has just been nervous and scared. He is still sweet and supportive, but he didn't fulfill my woman fantasy by sweeping me off my feet and screaming "I'm going to be a dad!!!" (yes, I had a fantasy, and he did not deliver on this one). He assures me he is happy and WANTS this, but he is SCARED. I'm scared too, but I'm more excited than I am scared. I mean, he doesn't have to be a parent until the baby comes out. I have to be one starting...now. A mother to my little unnamed poppy seed sized embryo. Awe.

Addendum: When I showed Ross the positively positive test he got teary eyed and hugged me and has been thrilled ever since. He is DYING to tell people! Now I am the terrified one. We named the baby "Pat" for now...Pat the embryo.

OBSESSING

Here's a little peek inside my head right now: I'm either pregnant or PMSing. Cried today while trying to explain my feelings to Ross. Then I cried when I heard him listening to a song we heard of our honeymoon. Its not a sweet song, its a song by Hoobastank. Took a home pregnancy test- the kind where 1 line means not pregnant; two lines mean yes, pregnant. Had well...1.5 lines. Yes 1.5 lines. One bold fuscia line and one light pink line. What the heck does that mean? I don't know how many days are in my "cycle" so I'm not 100% sure when to look for a missed period. YES, I am obsessing. So I took a second test (different brand- generic Target brand that has blue lines instead of pink). SAME THING. One dark blue, one very light blue- possibly even a positive pregnancy test mirrage- I could be imagining it. I need to get one of those foolproof "pregnant"/"not pregnant" ones. A pregnancy test for dummies. However, those are about 8$ each. I will just wait I think. I don't want to waste more money on obsessing just to get a negative test. And if it is in fact a positive test, then well, I'll find out soon enough....

Okay, not done obsessing. I did a google image search for "postive pregnancy test" and found a bunch of blogs where woman proudly posted images of their positive tests. And they looked JUST like mine. Some of them even had sl. lighter lines than mine. Oh brother. This is not good for the obsessing woman over here. Not good at all.

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://images-cdn01.associatedcontent.com/image/A2864/286433/300_286433.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/803897/home_pregnancy_tests_reviewing_8_popular.html&usg=__Dl7wUeInTvYXIr0WeUJ0mPMRFr0=&h=225&w=300&sz=20&hl=en&start=36&sig2=pOo5ab0fZHvZRfvLHqoKZg&um=1&tbnid=ln_zL6jeXHqQ9M:&tbnh=87&tbnw=116&ei=KGxySfGNA5y2sQPNnMC1DA&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dpositive%2Bpregnancy%2Btest%26start%3D18%26ndsp%3D18%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN

The hard part is that my pride and fear is keeping me from being able to talk about this with the people I love most. I don't want people to know that we are no longer preventing conception. I opened my big fat mouth at the end of last year and let a few people know that it wouldn't be too long before that happened. Now I am scared that it won't be as easy as I once thought it was to conceive. I am realizing how personal this is, and how stressful it could be if things didn't turn out like I had hoped. I am scared of not knowing my fertility status. I am scared of miscarriage. So I will sit here on my couch obsessing about light blue and light pink lines; writing on a secret blog, and crying every time Ross lifts a finger.

My strange little life

I often have very strange "coincidences" happen to me. One that sticks out very powerfully in my head is when I was away my first year at OIT. One night I had a dream that my old cat Friskie was very ill and I had picked him up, carried him into a car, and frantically drove to a vet. In my dream I was crying so hard in the car, and even woke up crying. As far as I knew, Friskie had still been in good health. A day or two later, my mom called me and told me she had taken Friskie to the vet that day because he hadn't been doing well. He was having kidney failure and they were going to have to put him down. I know many would say that I had to have some kind of clue that he was getting on toward that time, but I really didn't.

Last summer I took the cats to the vet (this is an unrelated story) and saw a very odd "cat lady" there. I even blogged about her in my old MySpace blog. She had a blue tooth headset and two cell phones, and talked my ear off about what breed my cats were. Then she talked my ear off about her 12, yes 12, cats. You would think I would never see her again, except for maybe at the vet, right? Well she ended up being a patient of mine last month. I would have never recognized her until I had already given her chemo, taken out her IV, and and was ready to send her out- and she put her bluetooth headset in. The crazy cat lady I thought I would never see again ended up being my patient and even gave me a nick name and made me odd little crafts.

When I worked in the hospital I had the pleasure of taking care of a very cool woman. She was about 15 years older than me, but we would have been friends if we had been together in different circumstances. I would chat and bond with her when she was wide awake at night and she just had the best sense of humor. I knew she was a patient at a Beaverton clinic, so I knew that my chances of running into her again were very slim, but I have always wondered about her. Today at work, by mistake, our office received some kind of insurance approval/referral something regarding that very patient going on hospice care. She had never even been a patient at that clinic, ever, at any time; or under the care of any of our doctors working there now.

Whenever a person randomly pops into my head, or I have a weird dream- I always pray hard for that person. Whenever weird little "coincidences" happen, I am reminded that we DO live in a world that is in God's hands (yes, believe it or not it can be easy to forget!). Even if I were not a believer, it would be awefully hard to dismiss all of these things as "mere coincidences" or "simple accidents". Life is incredible.

A Tuesday House-Wife Day post

I love tuesdays. Today I slept in, worked out on the treadmill, showered and got all ready for my day, and then ran errands. I went down to Costco and got new sheets and all kinds of other stuff we needed. I then went to Stabucks to get some tea and thought that I should treat myself to a carwash. The little 'Beca was so dirty that I get grime on my hand when I shut the doors. Now a car wash is something I haven't experienced since I was a little girl with my dad. As I pulled up I really didn't know what to do. The teenage or young twenties man of many words (not) took my money, handed me a damp cloth, and went to get change. I was puzzled. For a second I thought that it was for my hands...but I knew that wasn't it. When he returned I kindly told him it was my "first car wash" and I didn't know what it was for. I hoped that he would smile and laugh and coach me through this, but no. He just told me it was for my dashboard. Right....dashboard! The rest of the experience was just as awkward. Like when I didn't realize I had to have my car in neutral for it to work. I felt like such a lamer! Buts its okay, because my car is now sparkling and looks new again! Afterward I went to Starbucks to pick up some tea and an americano. As the Barista was making my drink, a woman walked up, held up a pacifier and asked him if he would rinse it off for her! I was disgusted! Ever heard of a bathroom sink? Or even a cup of water so that this poor gentleman who is already busy doesn't have to touch your baby's slobber? That is so not his responsibility. The poor guy stammered, paused and reluctantly said"okay". I looked at the girl behind the cash register and we exchanged, "holy moly" looks with each other. It was not too long ago that I was a barista at Starbucks and I have not forgotten how people treat you with no respect. I have a few patients who treat me like their "sevant nurse" but they are actually sick, and always so appreciative, so I don't mind. Note to self: start tipping Baristas more.

Feeling insightful about the new year

Ah, what a glorious day. I vow to do some house work later, but for now I am enjoying sitting on the couch in my new bright pink sweat pants, cuddling with Nigel, watching the rain out the window, and watching Season 1 of the Simpsons (Christmas gift from Ross). I am also drinking a pot of coffee, even though it makes my stomach feel sour. Coffee is something I should truly cut out of my diet. For some reason I think I have more of an emotional attachement to it, rather that actually getting any benefit from drinking it. I also would like to cut social drinking out as well. Between parties, dinners with friends, Thursday night "The Office" night, I just feel like it adds up and probably isn't good for my body. Not making a big deal out of it, I'm just saying. I don't think there is anything wrong with having a couple drinks in moderation, but I feel like I am at a point in my life where I wish to cut that out. This year we plan on trying to get pregnant. Suddenly I realize that my body may be providing life and support to our son(s) or daughter(s). It puts everything into a whole different perspective. Its a little crazy because this all means that Ross and I are witnessing ourselves changing before our eyes. We made this decision so carefully and it feels so calculated. There are times we wish we were like every other person we know who just got pregnant without planning it. We have been married for almost 5 years, and have waited for multiple reasons; We wanted to have financial stability, we wanted time to grow our own bond and relationship and love for each other, and I think we just really did not feel mature enough. As the past year came to a close, I became very aware of my biological clock...wait do I have the whole clock factor if I'm only 25? Okay a better way to put it, is I became aware of my emotional family readiness clock. I feel like Ross and I are closer and stronger than we have ever been. We both finally came to a decision that having a family is the only thing that would make our lives better. Its hard to explain, but incredibly strong! It feels so weird to say and describe all of this. Again- couldn't I have just gotten pregnant accidentally? I feel silly for thinking so deeply about this. But I figure I may as well document my feelings. It will be interesting to read years from now when I am a completely different person and a mother.

I have a lot of fears of course. What if we have trouble conceiving, or what if I can't conceive? Now that I am ready for this, I am so ready that I am to the point of near obsession. I really don't want to be THAT woman, but I am! Hopefully this will be my first and last blog entry about obsessing about starting to try to conceive.

As I said before, its very strange to witness and "plan" for your life to change dramatically. I pray for wisdom and strength during this time. It scares me to know that we have been able to plan our lives this way. I don't know whether to be completely thankful for that, or to be a little scared that God will surely throw a curveball in here somewhere. I don't mean to say that God wants to come in and mess up our lives. I just know that often times He has plans that don't always line up with ours, but for very good reason. I am actually tearing up as I write this- am I corny or what?!

So here we go, 2009! Lets see what happens this year! ;)